I wanna be...

If you know me, you know that I always stay up rediculously late. Well this morning around 1a.m. I got a text from a friend telling me she got locked outta her house and didn't know where she was gonna go but I didn't get the text till 3 when I checked my phone. When I called her, her phone was dieing and she was running out of gas...After much effort she finally let me pick her up..so this morning at 3a.m. I set out to Davenport to help a very good friend (if you don't know I live in MoTowN!). I didn't get home till about 4a.m....but I don't care because her safety matters to me more than me getting enough sleep! Thank you God for technology because without it I'm sure she would probably be stranded somewhere!

This is who I long to be-I wanna be someone who is remembered by the little things I do
I wanna be the girl who can always make someone else's day even if I can't make my own
I want to be more than just a pretty face (even if I disagree with anyone that I am)
I want to make a difference
I wanna be okay and
I want to matter.

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

Gone

So last night I was in an emo mood...well that's what it would be categorized as...but anyways I am normally a joyful person, but just I felt emoish yesterday and well I decided to write emo lyrics to go with my mood...I felt better afterwards :0)...well anyways...I was contemplating on whether or not to post these lyrics or not but I decided to....WARNING-I'm not gonna lie they are pretty depressing...This wasn't really aimed towards anyone in particular so if you think I'm angry at you I am not, I promise! Well without further ado..here is Gone:


How would you feel if I was gone tomorrow?
Would you feel bad for ignoring my scream?
Would you feel okay for not wiping my tears
that stream down my face and soak my sleeve?
Could you live with yourself knowing you ignored my cry?
Asking God why like I did many times

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

Am I even that important?
Do you even care?
The tears still stream each night
And soak my sleeves
As I listen to the sound of blowing leaves
How many times did you ignore her screams
asking God why?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

I've asked God many times
Where do I belong?
Can't you hear my cry?
Can you look me in my tear filled eyes
and tell me it'll be alright?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

© Christianna Crosby December 2008

A Place In This World

I've been searching to find my place in this world for quite sometime. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, where I'm supposed to be, or where my future is even headed...all I know is that I want my own family, a husband, kids, and I already have great friends. Although I have great friends, and I make sure to tell them all as much as I can how much I really do love them (undescribably so), even though I have them, sometimes I still walk around feeling like I don't fit in, like I'm not accepted, wearing my heart on my sleeve, like something is missing...in my heart I know I feel somethings missing....a place in this world. Lately I've had the strongest calling to the city of Davenport and I've always said that I wanted to move away to a BIG city like Chicago, or New York, L.A. because of the opportunities I could have...but I know that I would just be so much more alone than I am now and I wouldn't be able to move so far away from my friends. I really wanna move to Davenport, live there, and work there. Could that be my place in this world? I know that I know that I KNOW that God didn't set me on this world without a purpose...everyone has a purpose! But I don't know what it is....and I know I know I know pray and ask God for an answer...is it bad of me to say that sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough? Probably. I honestly don't feel called at all to go back to college...I didn't feel called to it in the first place, I'm not smart...but if I don't then my entire family will look down on me, or maybe they already do cuz they sure do forget about me alot.

God, I just want to find my place...where do I belong? GOD PLEASE DIRECT ME SOMEWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BLACK HOLE...help...please?
-Lost Seeking Soul

Disorder

This morning I was watching a show on mtv...and it was about these people who have O.C.D. I came to the conclusion that O.C.D. is basically a disorder that holds you captive because of fears....basically for example if you fear something you will do odd things like count each step you take, wash your hands a certain number of times, make a weird noise a certain of times because when you start fearing those things you start feeling overwhelmingly anxious to do SOMETHING to replace the fear you have and make you feel better so doing those things is kind of like a security blanket. I can relate a little bit.
I too have been held captive by my own disorder...I'm getting better..I think..I hope...but anyways. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder...it had gotten so bad that it earned me a one way ticket to the E.R.!! After I got out about a week later I had a doctors appointment to check on how I was doing since my E.R. visit and she basically said that it will always be there but if it gets so bad that it keeps me from doing things I normally do, keeps me up at night and keeps me from maybe coming out of my house that I should get another appointment set up right away and they'd put me on medicine. I was not about to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, but it did get worse. I started staying at home more often, and I HATED driving anywhere but work and home, almost as if I was afraid to go any further. I got about 2hours of sleep a night, and even though I was always completely exsausted I still wouldn't go to bed. Now it's a little better...I am normally always on the go and don't like staying home that much, but on occation I get homesick and stay home...I usually go to bed now around 1-3am but lately I've been going to bed around 11-12 and I wake up around 8. BUT I ALWAYS have panic attacks! At least one everyday because I panic alot when I'm driving. I panic sometimes about the stupidest things...like tonight I fell down the stairs and my pinky was/still is numb...and I'm like what if I broke it? What if I did this or that? What if I die? I know how stupid this may sound to you, you may even be laughing at me right now...but this is such a serious disorder, and sometimes it still holds me captive! No matter how much you can say to not think about "what if's" it's harder than you could imagine because this disorder is all about "what if's" and little worries...but sometimes I feel better when I start panicing I quote that "give your worries to me.." scripture and I feel okay, but it doesn't always work so my last resort is to just wait it out and hopefully I don't like freak out worse and pass out. Needless to say YES I am still working on it....I am refusing to let this stupid "DISORDER" control my life!! I wish that those people with O.C.D. would do the same!!

Hidden Talent

Nicole, and I were sitting yesterday talking and she brought up a subject that is barely talked about that I believe we could all learn to grow!...Hidden talent/Hidden Gifts! A hidden talent is described as a gift you have that not very many people know about, or a gift you know you have but don't try to excel in and kinda push it behind you like it's not as important so that no one knows about it. Everyone has one. For example...one of mine is writing. I write stories, poems, songs, and have even won multiple awards and gotten them published online and in books!...but not many people know this because I don't really talk about it as much as I do performing....but I really do enjoy writing. I think that instead of hiding our gifts we should embrace every gift God has given and handpicked for us, tap into them more and get as good at them as we are the at the gifts we use all the time! So I was really seriously interested to know...what are YOUR hidden talents????? And how do you think you can tap into that gift more??
-Beautiful Disaster

Busy body

At one point I was sooo busy between cheerleading, dance and tumbling practice and dance competitions, dance team at school, and acting that I was cutting it pretty close with timing...but I had a schedule and I loved it! I can't help but love running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...it's just fun and I enjoy it! Most people hate it, but not me, I am such a GO'ER! I know that was put in me for a reason...but why? Because it sucks at times like now lately when I am LONGING for it! I mean I love it on Mondays that I have to go from work straight to practice...and I love waking up Wednesdays knowing I probably have things waiting for me to do at the church....and I love it on Sundays when I have both church services but serve at one of them then have small group at 3:30 and once a month have leadership meeting to tie into the already busy Sunday. But what about the rest of the days? I obviously work...but I only usually work from 11-4 and that's pretty much it!...(and honestly I feel like I need to be doing something I ENJOY)...like for example..I love making picture/video videos for people and I could spend hours putting together videos..but what if I made my own kind of business out of it and turned it into a side job or something and made videos for like peoples weddings, birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions?...my mom actually suggests this everytime I show her a new video I've made. Well I dunno what I am gong to do about my longing for being a busy body....but I am definately ready for something because I long so badly I don't know what to do with myself anymore. When I tell people that I like to be busy, most of them say things that are negative, and tell me that being a busy body isn't a good thing...but I guess what bothers me the most is that the person is usually someone who doesn't understand me..I wish people understood me better because maybe then I would start to understand myself better. Hmm...this is the beginning of another long journey...
-Beautiful Disaster

Cold Night

So I was on my way home tonight from the home of a family who have helped me grow so much, and inspire me to thirst for God, and want so much more out of life...so as I was driving I was thinking about how much the LITTLE things matter to me, a smile, laughter, and the happiness they show that has rubbed off on their sweet little one and as my heart was warmed by their beautiful little guy, lyrics started just FLOWING to my mind and I couldn't help but come home, write them down, and perfect them. The song is called Cold Night...here are the lyrics..the part inside of the brackets is the bridge. P.S. Please DON'T steal my lyrics unless 1) You are the family who inspired the song or 2) You get my permission

Cold Night

I wanna cuddle
Just wanna hold you tight
That sweet little smile
Just makes me cry
Knowing God sent you here
warms my heart
Being without you
Would tear me apart

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

You are so precious
When I hear your call
Much more beautiful
Than the First snowfall
Tiny hands tiny Feet
Tiny little nose
You're so beautiful to me
Someday I hope you know

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

{-You are proof that the little things matter
The way you say hello, and goodbye
You're tiny but that big personality
Brings tears to my eyes-}

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)

Yeah It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
You make me so warm (so warm)
On this cold night
Yeah on this cold night
Cold night

© Christianna Crosby December 2008

Big Steel Gates Part 4: Just A Dream

If I had known that that night at work had been the last time I was gonna see him, I woulda spent all night talking to him, and held on as long as I could. My daddy was always there...and I hid it, from my friends, and family because anytime I ever told them I had talked to my daddy, or went to see him, they would make fun of me....so I hid it and none of them know that he was my rock, that I talked to him all the time, and that we were bonded so tightly together. This is the hardest thing that I've EVER had to go through and experience. Who is your best friend? Imagine losing that person suddenly one day to a tragic accident, knowing that the night before you had JUST saw them and they were just fine! I miss him SO much all the time...and ESPECIALLY during the holidays...I'm not going to lie, I have spent many sleepless nights, many nights crying myself to sleep over how deeply it hurts wondering when it gets easier. Seeing my baby sister (13) hurting just as much as me, and seeing my big sissy who was searching for my dad and never got to meet him before she found out he was gone...my heart, just hurts, SO much for them! Sometimes if I close my eyes, and think about all of the times my daddy held me in his arms so tight just to say I love you, I can almost feel his arms wrapped around me again...but it just doesn't compare. I know that if it had been someone else, and my daddy was still here, he would be holding me right now, and I can almost hear his voice saying "Baby, it's gonna be alright, I'm right here"...just like he did summer 07' when we found out my granny had cancer, and just like the night I got rushed to the hospital that summer. But when I almost hear his voice, and almost feel his warm arms wrapped around me, I open my eyes and realize that it's just a dream...and I know I was hoping that when I was standing in front of his casket staring at his stiff body, and the bruises that they tried to hide, standing there as we put flowers on his casket before it was lowered hoping wishing that I could die and go with him, I KNOW I was hoping that it was just a dream...but it wasn't.
-Daddy's Girl
"God be the solution.....Be a father to the fatherless.."

Big Steel Gates Part 3: Behind Closed Doors

Like I said in part 1...I kind of have a big steel gate built around who I really am, and what has shaped me to be the way I am, and not very many people know my complete true heart..some may know half but I tend to leave the other half unsaid for them to find themselves, if I want them to..for some people I open up kinda quickly and others it takes time and patience. But here's another inside scoop on me.
The statement on the picture says "Tears are words the heart can't say"...and I have come to notice how true that is! When I was 10 I moved to a different school and had to make new friends (for the 3rd time) and I used to get made fun of alot because I wore glasses and I always wore my hair in a braid, so they would call me names like brady bunch, or just some stupid childish names..I never really said anything back to them to defend myself, I just kinda completely shut them out and ignored them even though sometimes the taunting got so bad that they were in my face SCREAMING threats, and calling me names, pushing me, shoving me, breaking the things that belonged to me....there may have been a couple times when I've did something just as mean back to them, but other than that I either ignored it or just looked them in the eye with a smile on my face and walked away, I always though I'd ...but the truth is I would go home everyday, go in my room, and just ball...but then I would go back to school the next day and put my tough mask on again and pretend that they never even hurt me. Those same people taunted me all through junior high also..finally in 8th grade at the end of the year we had a talent show, I tried out, made it, and did a dance solo on stage in my dance outfit and after that none of them ever picked on me again and wanted to befriend me all of a sudden...to this day I can still remember that dance! But as I sit and think about it now and think about that statement on the picture above..yeah I cried because what they said hurt my feelings, but it was a much deeper feeling that I cannot explain and because I couldn't really explain what that feeling was all I could do was cry. Not very many people have seen me cry, I hate crying in front of people makes me feel guilty and ashamed, I'm more of a cry behind closed doors kind of person, but when I cannot hold my tears back and allow myself to cry in front of someone usually it means that something really is wrong. To end this post...it's been a long road getting to where I am at, and sometimes I may show joy, and happiness..but you just never know what's going on and what's happening behind the steel gates closed doors! Have you ever built a gate around who you truely are? What kind of things are behind YOUR big steel gate?

Big Steel Gates Part 2: So small, SO BIG!

It's so funny how something so small can be SO BIG in life, happiness, joy, love and make you love more than you ever thought possible. Something that can bring happy tears to your eyes so much because it just reminds you of how BIG God is, and how much MORE he loves us! A year ago if you would have asked me if I planned to have kids when I was older...I woulda told you yes but only one, and I didn't want a boy...and I was probably going to adopt it as opposed to having it the natural way. God did a big thing for me when he brought me to The Rock and introduced me to this little guy...and his family! I have always loved kids...I actually started looking after and helping taking care of my aunt's little girl and boy since I was about 10 or 11 and I changed their diapers, gave them baths, fed them, played with them, all of the things you should know how to do when you're taking care of a child....and when I was little house used to be my favorite game...most little girls you know always want to play the baby, but I ALWAYS loved to play the mommy....but even tho I love kids I still woulda told you that I only wanted ONE. When I got introduced to this church, this family, and this ONE little boy..all of that CHANGED for me. Now if you asked me how many kids I want, I will more than likely tell you 4 at the most and 2 at the least because I want one girl and one boy at least..and that I can't wait to have my own family and hopefully raise my kids in a happy Christian home....and I am still pondering that thought of having them myself (its a start cuz before I wouldn't have even pondered the thought before moving on to adoption)...but I KNOW I DO want to adopt AT LEAST one of my kids!! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much, I never knew that I could love someone so much, feel so much, feel so important! I NEVER knew that someone SO small, could be SO BIG!...before God brought me here, to this city, this church, this family, and this little boy. <3
-Na Na

Response to: So many options

So many times I sit here and think man, I wish I had artistic ability, I wish I could play guitar, I wish I could learn to play the piano better, I wish I could sing like her, I wish I could dance like that....but I have discovered that it's because I am not 100% sure of my capabilities. I haven't completely discovered what I am fully capable of yet and since others question whether I'm good enough at the only things I really know (performing), I also question whether I'm good enough and often bring myself down because my talent doesn't measure up to this person's or that person's. Ever since I was old enough to stand on my own my mother could always tell that I had a love for dancing and music as a whole. She said when I wasn't able to stand on my own at about 6 months she would stand me up on her lap and turn on the music and I would start moving my feet and bouncing up and down to the beat of the music and as soon as they turned the music on I started screaming and crying but when they turned it back on I stopped crying and started bopping along with the music again. Then when I was a little older probably about 3-5 I started begging my mom to put me into dance classes, and telling everyone that when I grew up I was gonna be a ballerina, lol. Well then when I turned 10 I finally got my wish with a little something extra: gymnastics! I did the whole dance thing, and gymanstics, and my mom believed in me enough to let me compete. To this day I would still LOVE to be in every dance class possible, do gymnastics and compete....and I would LOVE to be an actress and do shows....I would LOVE to sing, dance, and act my heart out in front of millions of people, I absolutely LOVE the stage life, the 2 minute scene changes, the 1 minute costume changes backstage, the crunch time and busyness the week of the show, I love every second of it BUT I don't want to do it for me anymore....I want to do it for his glory! I want to do it to inspire others to live for Christ too!! I also enjoy writing, and have been blessed with the gift to write great things....I have won awards, and also gotten my work published in a book!! I would LOVE to write a play or a musical, be in it, and cast others to play other parts and perform it on stage someday! I would also LOVE to be a part of a BIG production someday! If money were NOT and object I would hop on a plane to New York right now (and I'd bring some friends), and I'd go to audition, after audition and I'd get a modeling and talent agent from Ford Models, Elite Model Management or any other of the big names. I have BIG BIG dreams that would take ALOT of wishing hoping and praying to even get a foot in any kind of door. BUT of them all two of my biggest dreams are to become a mommy and a wife and at least adopt 1 child and raise a wonderful family and hopefully be a great mommy and wife, AND to greatly impact someone's life and inspire someone for the glory of the one and only savior! The most important thing to me when it comes to my gifts is that God gets all of the glory for what I do instead of ME because if it weren't for him nothing would be possible. The sun wouldn't shine, the stars wouldn't exsist, and the people in your life that inspire you wouldn't exsist either. How could you look around at everything made so beautifully and NOT think that there's a God that created it all with his own hands?

The Big Steel Gates Part 1: A Forever Kind of Friend

When I truly began this journey I've been on becoming a Christian, it was so hard because I don't let very many people in the big steel gates I've built around who I really am and where I truly come from. But I choose NOW that this season...here is what will make my Christmas....giving a little piece of my heart, a little bit of my attention, and a little bit of myself to anyone who is hurting for any reason at all. What made me choose to start NOW? I was sitting here at my laptop talking to my sister, and as I was listening to music one of my favorite songs came on..the one playing right now called Right Here...the lyrics to this song speak to me so much, so personally....so as this song came on I started listening to the words and then my phone vibrated, and I got a twitter and someone I am really close to said that they were so sad that their sister was moving away. Without hesitation I texted this person just to let them know that no matter what I will be there if they ever needed me (and I do mean that with every bit of passion inside of me, not even words describe)..letting you in on a little bit of what is behind the steel gates, when I truly began my journey I felt like everyone around me was leaving me, my dad died, my uncle whom I've been close to forever was thinking of moving away, then we got in a fight and he was angry at me, my grandma's cancer had come back, my mom works two jobs and I never see her, and even the relationship with some of my friends were beginning to spiral...needless to say it felt like everyone around me was leaving me, and when a person close to you moves far away, it can start to feel that same way....then I got to thinking about how much I look up to this person hoping that someday I will have as much faith and passion as they do, and be as caring and giving....and I realized that they have given so much to me, and since they gave to me, I should make a PROMISE to give it back whenever they needed it...and now is a great opportunity...
For this person: In return I promise to give a never ending unconditional loving friendship and you have captured a piece of my heart because you inspire me so much. So with as much passion as I can possibly express I'm here, right here...not because I have to be, but because I WANT to be!...and maybe someday I can inspire someone, and someone can look at my flaws and think that that is what makes me perfectly beautiful, and maybe just maybe one day someone will look up to me....imagine if.
-Beautiful Disaster

My Christmas Part 2

This is the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree I've ever laid eyes on...no joke, I've never seen a tree like this: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwzA6KGqyyULY-n08hNf-M8eNQdg-8IQpFq8jx3BYOdFWskrElFDE4aiDaFmEEr_W29XzsIbNYZpz1b5SuDC1w9-OHfPjy84GUXcJkcvH1FhcJZpIqsGd_ZwTx9R_eWf10n_h9eB35PhF/s1600-h/IMG_1955.JPG

The more Christmas is heading here fast....the more I am not caring about it much...besides the giving part, I always care about giving.....why do we make it all about the material things anyways? I am happy just remembering why we have the holiday....until I see all of the decorated houses on the outside with their light up reigndeers and light up santa's, and the beautifully decorated Christmas Trees that you can see peering through the windows from the outside of a frosty window....the more I see that stuff the more bitter I get about the holiday from wishing so much that I wasn't sitting in this tiny undecorated house...not a tree, nothing...not even a single window cling....last year I attempted to even put up some window clings and I totally got yelled at! Though I am a little bitter...at least it's teaching me that when I get a little older my house is going to be completely decked out on holidays! Someday I will have my own little family, my own little decorated home, and I won't be alone as often as I am now....I just know it. That has to be one of my biggest dreams in life...I can't wait :0) ...but for now I guess I'm going to try to embrace the holiday, be thankful that I actually have a place to live (decorated or not), and be thankful that I have the bit of family I have left even though I don't see them much, and don't know the rest of them. God has placed me here for a reason, with this family, this home, these experiences, and these belongings......and so far it has taught me ALOT and given me alot more wisdom than I should have at my age, and alot more wisdom than I show I have-->(I'm not AS innocent as I seem, been through things u might not be able to imagine)...but I just am ready for something different because this...is getting old.
-Beautifully Broken Beautiful Disaster

Tears

I was thinking about this just a minute ago. It seems like as you get older, your tears fall faster, harder, and more fall...literally. When I was younger I really don't think that my tears fell as fast as they do now, or in as much quantity either. Like the older we get, we cry differently. Is it because we've experienced heartache more? I just wonder why. I've learned to be a silent cryer so that it's easier to hide because I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness....I certainly don't think so, but it makes me feel guilty so I still hide it...unless of course I'm sleeping and don't realize I am because I tend to cry in my sleep...oops! I have SUCH a hard time controlling my emotions...I always have....I mean u may think but it's so easy all you have to do is.....no it doesn't really work that way with me and I've tried to control them but I end up giving up because they seem to over power me even tho I am way bigger! I never know where to start...my emotions is just something you have to see and experience because it's just unexplainable really. Where do I start to begin taking control of my emotions? I am really sick of tears...my eyes burn
-Christianna Denise

A Healthy Reminder

Yesterday I watched a movie called Wall-E...I was expecting one of those awww how cute kind of kids movies...and it was but I also realized that there was MORE to that movie than just a cute kids character!...and it kind of opened my eyes a little bit! Austin has inspired this post with his recent post. So anyways here is why this movie opened my eyes...The plot...Wall-E is a little trash compacter, and every day he goes out compacts trash and he makes skyscrapers out of the trash squares that he compacts. Wall-E and his little cockroach friend are the only ones left on earth because us humans didn't take care of the earth and there was so much waste on the earth that we could no longer live here, it was so bad that NO life form even exsisted on the earth anymore! Not grass, not trees NOTHING, there was only a bunch of waste, trash, garbage, and dirt! Since us humans couldn't live on the earth anymore we moved out to space and we lived in this HUGE space shuttle like thing and we were all fat, so fat that we couldn't even walk, NO ONE was skinny at all because technology advanced so much that the robots did EVERYTHING for us...brushed our teeth, our hair, dressed us, helped us get places...everything. So then I started really thinking about the plot...When we throw things in the garbage and the garbage man takes it, where does it go? To a big landfield type thing....so really eventually those landfields are going to be full, then where are they gonna put the trash?...evenutally the earth could look like that if we do not take care of it. I have decided I am going to research and study about going green, then I'm gonna do it! All of you may be sick of people telling u to go green BUT it is SO very important and you don't even realize it! Please research and study going green with me and then get as many people as possible to go green with you!!

It Takes Talent

I am not really all that sure what my talents are yet...I'm still playing around a bit with the things I know I 100% never get bored of doing and do pretty much 24/7. I know that I love to sing, and dance, and do the whole performance thing....but I don't know if I'm any good at it, I just like to do it, and am not ashamed of it. I am constantly thinking "I wish I was better at it" "I wish I sang as good as this person or that person" "I wish I danced as good as this person" "I wish I could amaze people like this person, or that person" "I wish I was so good at something that I make someone's heart melt every time I do that" "I wish I had an amazing opportunity to share what I love to do"....it takes talent. If I didn't doubt myself all the time, or allow myself to get let down I might be more sure of myself and I wouldn't think "Oh I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, I'm not good enough, ect". But the truth is, we are all good at different things, and some people are better at things than others...are we ever good enough? Are we as humans ever good enough to do this, that or the other thing? Maybe, maybe not....but I do know that we ARE good enough to receive the unexplainable love of Jesus...and that's all that should matter...but why is it never enough? That should be enough!! WHY ISN'T IT?! WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL I AM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT TO BE BETTER AT SINGING, DANCING, ACTING, MODELING, OR WHATEVER IT IS?! WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT SO MUCH TO BE BETTER, OR TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW YOU CAN DO IT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON?! THE LOVE OF JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD, JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS...THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!! I don't understand why I have to dig so so so deep into things when I get the teeniest chance at taking the smallest shovel to the dirt! Father God, please I pray with as much passion as possible that you can show me PATIENCE, and show me somehow that your love, Jesus' love is ENOUGH...and it's all I need because nothing else will ever make me as happy as knowing that you truly made me a new creation, and that I can't find that kind of love, and acceptance anywhere else!

My Christmas Wish List

My Christmas wish lists are always filled with these kinds of things rather than "stuff"...some of you might think it's pathetic, but this is 200% SERIOUSLY my Christmas wish list this year...

*A clean bill of health-let me tell you my last visit was anything but that and considering when ppl were out of town for the marriage treat I was in the hospital, sick...this happens to be a far fetch of a wish considering I do NOT have insurance anymore which means it costs a fortune for me to even walk in the freaking door!
*Court to be OVER already!-it's freaking been a YEAR! I don't even care as long as my daddy finally gets a gravestone! That's all I ask for out of this...I don't care about that mean, greedy lady who none of us knows, I don't care about the company and all of the workers lieing through their teeth about pretty much everything (okay I care a little), but solely I don't care about any of that as long as daddy gets his gravestone finally!..he deserves it! Sure he made mistakes, who doesn't?...but he deserves to at least have one!
*I want my family to come to church with me...at least once!!
*Cancer/sickness healing of my 3 close family members-It hurts me so much to see them suffering! With all of the heavy medication I am never sure what the day is going to bring...Are they going to accidentally burn the house down while no one is watching and there's no one to be there with them? Are they going to wake up today? Are they going to accidentally overdose on their medication because they are so out of it? Are they going to hurt ME because they don't realize what they're doing? I just never know. What the heck is the point of stupid chemotherapy anyways?! All it does is make you even more sick and then 90% of the time the person just ends up dieing from getting so sick from the chemotherapy because it didn't help and the cancer just spread further. I hate seeing people suffer, especially when they are close to me....on my list of things I absolutely hate I have to say that this makes the top 3, that's how much I hate it!

Footprints In The Sand...

In the poem Footprints in the sand by Mary Stevenson, a man has a dream that he's walking along the beach with God while scenes from his life are flashing in the sky. For most of the scenes the man sees two sets of footprints in the sand, one belongs to him, one belongs to God but the man noticed that during the really tough times in his life, there was only ONE set of footprints..he began assuming that there was only one set of footprints because during those hard times God left him alone...The man then asked God why he left him alone in such difficult times in his life...and God replies that he didn't leave the man alone, he was carrying the man during those times and that's why there was only one set of footprints. It is neat to hear other people's perspectives on this poem because everyone has a different perspective. Solely the meaning of this poem is to let us know that we are never alone...sometimes you may see only one set of prints, but don't be mistaken, it's not because God has abandoned you, it's because you have failed to realize that he's carrying you. Now think about a footprint, when someone leaves a footprint anywhere, even if the footprint goes away sight wise, it's still there because our skin will leave traces of oil there...even though we can't see it. In a same but different kind of way, our friends leave footprints in our hearts..10 years down the road you might not even hang out at all but when you see something that reminds you of a friend, even if you haven't hung out, you'll say oh this reminds me of the time me and...went here. Each of my friends and family have left their mark, their footprints, in my heart, and in my life..they've all taught me SOMETHING and no matter how big or small of a difference they think that something will make or has made, it's something that I will take to heart, learn from, and dish out in tons of love!!..and I hope that the same way they've left theirs, I leave mine! Think about this...Who has made footprints in your heart? In your life? Have you told them lately how much you love and appreciate them? I try to tell the ones I love that I love them as much as I can because one of the things I learned from my dad's death is that you NEVER KNOW when it's supposed to be their time, and we take lightly to the words I Love You almost as if we're taking it for granted...CHERISH each moment, soak it in, and let them know how much you love them....I mean this in this strongest way possible: I LOVE YOU!!

Comparison...

We all compare ourselves, other people, and other things everyday...we might not even think about it most of the time, but we do. Seriously take a second to think....what things did you compare today? When it becomes a problem is when it starts controlling any part of your life, your thoughts and causes you to act in any way that might hurt you or someone else. 90% of the time when we are making comparisons it's comparing ourselves with someone else....which most of the time causes us to look down on ourselves almost as if we get mad at ourselves for not being like or better than that other person. Why should we look down on ourselves? Does God look down on us in a bad way? I am having to constantly remind myself of this because I'm comparing myself 24/7....and even constantly reminding myself is not enough. It's hard for me to accept any kind of compliments from anyone because I'm like, oh they're just trying to be nice and make me feel good about myself, so they compliment me and I'm like thanks and in my head I'm thinking thanks but I beg to differ. Sometimes its just so hard to control your thoughts...I mean really how does a person even begin to change something that has sunk in for 10years...it takes time....and it's hard to know where to begin, which is why I keep falling, getting back up, and falling all over again...then I think okay this time I won't fall....and BAM!...find myself on the floor again (not literally). Hmm....where to begin? constantly reminding myself is doing nothing for me obviously, and that and pray is what I've been told to do...sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough but what more could I do? Anything is possible right?...it just feels like the opposite for the situation. GOD, CATCH MY HEART IN THE FLAME OF YOUR FIRE THAT NEVER DIES OUT!!!!!

Growing Together...

Think about the word grow. What does it mean? In the dictionary it says the word grow means to increase by natural development, to become gradually attached or united by, and to become. All three of those definitions can also be the definition of the reason for small groups....The more we get to know the people the more we grow and are united by the love of Christ and it helps us become closer to each other but more importantly we are growing in the love of our savior together! I love love love the Blest girls with everything in me....that's a pretty strong statement, but seriously I would give my life for any of them and no matter what the cercumstances, they make me want to praise God for being so good to me and having them in my life! The first time I went to small group I was sick, lost my voice, and I still wanted to go..and two of the girls had pranked Amanda through texting, and it was hilarious to hear the story...I felt very welcome the first time I went although I was pretty shy, I did feel welcome, plus I had already knew one girl from the small group I was in before this one! (I didn't feel like I fit in at all in that one)...fast forward and I have to state, I really don't care if anyone thinks I am biased but I seriously have the best small group ever...I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone even better! Shout outs- BLEST, I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND NOTHING LESS!!! Amanda- You really are a great leader, and a great role model too!...and I am looking forward to getting to know you all better.
-Christianna

The Cause of Bad Days

I'm pretty much having a bad couple of days and when it starts to get better something else always happens....bad days make me want to jump in front of a moving train and be done with it already!...it's pretty extreme, but for a person with previous suicidal thoughts, it's not. It feels like I'm standing in the pouring rain getting soaked with no way to get out of it, like everyone is locking their doors when I try to come in from the rain. I'd rather jump off a bridge...or better yet follow in my dad's footsteps and fall through a skylight..I mean really come on!! What makes me feel like that again? When everything is such a mess and starts resulting in relationship failing....which ding ding ding that's pretty much been my past few days. If I were lieing to you I would be telling you that everything is fine, and that I am not being hindered from God, and Jesus Christ, if I were lieing I would be telling you that I'm okay and I haven't been having suicidal thoughts for the past few days that have caused multiple bad panic attacks where I nearly pass out....WHILE DRIVING! Last night I went to Friday night worship...and there were a couple prayers in particular that hit the spot....Mady was apparently spoken to by God, that's not a lie, and told her that there was some kind of blockage some kind of wall being built and it was blocking my relationship with him...and when she told me that I thought of earlier that day when I had thought about just quitting and not going to church for a while. Then some other lady went up to the mic and apparently God spoke to her too, sounded like, and...I am choosing to not even get into that one on here, but that too just hit home. Then this morning my morning started off with a big bang...let me tell you....and it included arguing with 3 different people over twitter, and text. Needless to say......DAYYYY PLEEEEASE GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS PLLLEASE, I'M FREAKING BEGGING YOU TO GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...please :0(

Who Will Be?

I bought the new Building 429 cd today and I LOVE it! There are a couple songs in particular that speak to me alot and two quotes from one of them are in my head right now....
"Everybody needs a friend now and then to come and pick their heart up again, when everything gets shattered, Everybody needs someone to understand, Someone to just come and hold their hand to be there through disaster.."
"You say you don't need anyone but I know when you come undone that you might change your story, I don't know if you're listening but when you feel like giving in, I'm gonna hold you in these arms cause all I am is a word away.."
Reread those quotes from that song! At the end of the song it says that God is there and then goes back to the chorus where he sings on how he wants to be that person, the shoulder to cry on, the person to hold you when you're lonely and never leave you. And it's true, everyone needs someone....and I want to be that someone to someone else..and I also NEED for someone to be that someone to me, but who will be? Who is or will be that person who will remind me that when I lose myself, God will find me? Jesus never fails to drench my heart in love when I really need it...which means he will be sending me his love really soon, not sure in what shape, or form, but I am putting my trust in him for that someone.
-Christianna Denise

I Believe Always My Savior Never Fails!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you don't have to take even a second to think about it before you say it was truly a God moment? Don't those moments just touch your heart? The other day I was cleaning and all of a sudden out of nowhere my Grandma came to my mind and literally 5 seconds later she called my cell....it was such a wierd feeling when I thought of her out of the blue and then she called my phone. My heart is just so DRENCHED in love right now that it's overwhelming!...but also is so broken and hurt! Sometimes I feel like my heart is floating in the air looking for a place to rest, my heart is so overwhelmingly drenched in his love right now because my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Nicole and I took my Grandma to the mall yesterday and it was the most stressful and most sad thing that I've seen lately! Since she has cancer she is on some pill that makes her kinda loopy and just not all there...and she kept repeating herself, she walked out the door when Nicole and I weren't looking and was looking for Walgreens even though 5 mins before that we already told her it wasn't around there, then when we went to the food court to get food she went to one place and paid for food then walked off before she even got her food at that place and went and got food somewhere else and didn't even get her money back, she just walked away! The last time Nicole saw her she was her normal self and she didn't expect that, at all and she thought she was getting alztimers or something then I told her it was the medication she was on. Then today I remembered the song and story that the lead singer from Building 429 told us/sang us at the concert I went to with Cassie, and he told us about a lady who lost her 3yr old son because he got murdered by her exhusband and that he couldn't sleep one night and wrote this song Always and that lady's story reminded him of his own pain when his dad left him and his mom...and I also relate to the song with my own stories of my past, and my dad, and my now my Granny....then he told us that God knows our pain and his promise remains that he'll always be with us and he will NEVER fail to keep his word even when we feel there is no hope left, He's there. Thank you God, for never failing, and that you are a faithful deliverer! I might be hurting, but you never fail to drench my heart in love when I really need it! "I believe always, always our savior never fails, and even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, and he will be with you always!"
-Christianna Denise

Digging In The Dirt

So here are just some final thoughts that were running through my head after the leadership meeting that have been kind of lingering in the air for a lil bit now. I do not feel like a leader..not one bit...should I feel like a leader? I'm not sure...but I clearly remember at The Mix when he called all of the leaders to go up and be prayed for first...I did not go up but I was questioning...Should I go up? Am I included?...and I decided to not go up because I feel I am not involved enough to be called a leader....I am a small part of a big thing. I volunteer in the nursery, I am a back up singer for N.W., I volunteer in the Cafe'...I am just a small part of those things, so do I matter? When I looked at all of the leaders going up, I didn't go up because to me I am not really a leader and I'm too small, too young, too inexperienced in comparison to them and that is what drove me to stay in my seat..I didn't want people to look up there and see me and go, since when was she a leader? She's a leader?....It has always been in me that when I am involved in something, I like to dig deep in the dirt when it comes to whatever I am involved in...for example I started dancing, then tumbling/gymnastics and not too long after I decided to compete in both because I wanted to dig deeper into it, learn more about it, and be more involved with it rather than just go to class and that's it...I wanted to be counted on for something, because obviously in dance if you compete you are expected to do your best and work as a team, and each person counts because if you don't work as a team you are all off and you obviously aren't going to even place! I deeply truely ENJOY digging further in the dirt when I am involved in things....so I guess when it comes to leadership and how I am involved in things...I just don't feel like I am being dug into the dirt enough to call myself a leader...but I do honestly enjoy what I'm involved in!...Here's the other side of this...Do the people we concider "leaders" call THEMSELVES leaders?..or Do they sometimes feel the way I do? I see leaders as people who have dug into the dirt so far they begin to see water...they've dug into what they do further than I have....and I am LONGING to just dig deep enough to find water, and I hope that THAT opportunity will arise! What are you digging further towards? How far have you dug into the dirt?
-Christianna Denise

The Mix 08' Aftermath

So lately my emotions have been going haywire on me anyways, but The Mix 08' freaking ROCKED me! I've never cried so much, so hard, I've never cried so many different emotions in my life....I'm actually sad that it's over. At first I felt like I wasn't ready to be in charge, I wasn't ready to be a roomleader, or any kind of leader for that matter!....and now where I wish to be is there, and I didn't want to leave!....I'd do it again! I realized how truly broken I still was from things I thought I had let go, until then and keeping my TRUE feelings inside for so long (1 year and 10 years) has left a huge gash in my heart, that is now waiting to be mend back together!...I realized how alone I still felt, how hurt I still was from this 10 year burden....and once I let go I realized that it had created a gash in my heart because of how much it truely effected me and that the gash it left needs to be mend back together. I also felt like I grew up a little too. When I was about 9 or 10 I started hanging out with my mom and her friends more than my own friends, and I became much older at a young age and then completely stopped hanging around with my own friends because I was much more mature mentally then they were...when my mom and her friends would talk about "grown up things" as they called it I would listen and then go to someone later about anything I didn't understand and they'd explain it to me...eventually when I was 11 I didn't have to ask anyone really what these things meant...I already knew. Then fastforward some years and in highschool I kind of tried to unlearn some of the things I knew that I shouldn't have known at such a young age, so I started hanging out with kids younger than me and I started acting younger, instead of acting more my age...and I had been stuck there ever since. I naturally feel more comfortable hanging around with people who are older than me, rather than people who are my age, or younger than me and when I was 9 or 10 I shouldn't have, but now I need to...I need to hang out with people who are older than me and are good examples...so needless to say if you are in your 20 somethings, and I know you, hit me up if you're bored and or just wanna hang!
Father, I thank you that you are a faithful deliverer! Thank you for messing me up this weekend!
-Christianna Denise

Disease is such a burden!

When I was about 5 I was playing in the back yard of our neighbors house with two other friends, the two other friends went inside, and as I sat on the swing I saw some beady little eyes staring back at me. I walked up to the fence only to find a little girl the same age and height as me staring back. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Hi, what's your name?" "Mistie, what's your name?" "Christianna" "What are you doing?" "I was playing on the swing, waiting for Little Amanda and Big Amanda to come back outside" "Do you want to go to the park with me?" "Sure, I have to go ask my mom!"....it turned out that my mom had went to high school with her mom! 14 Years later....we are still friends and she has a daughter who's 1 and a half who could be her twin...she looks just like Mistie, when I first met her! This same friend she's the same age as myself..she's only younger by a couple months.....was just diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long ago....at 19 with a child she's got cervical cancer.
Another family friend...one of my mom's friends who knew my mom before I was even born has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclarosis, AND is going blind due to some disease that apparently she caught from having a baby? She of all people is one of the most undeserving people to get cancer, no one deserves it really, but she is one of the sweetest, most giving, caring people I know....and her 1 year old son is just like her!
Along with those two I have to throw in my 53 year old grandma who has battled lung cancer, got rid of it, and now has got some other kind of cancer...I don't even know what kind, but they found a spot on her brain, she went to peoria to get a special kind of radiation. I wish she was the same as she was before all of the radiation...I really do. Her mind is like a yo-yo...she called up my aunt the week before last and told her she bumped her head on the cabanet and knocked herself crazy..it's funny, but really it's not at all...it hurts me. And she is never and will never be a burden for me, it's the CANCER, it's the DISEASE that burdens me. I am forced to take care of her and look after her because my uncle and my mom both work alot and that's fine but it can be really scarey because what if she decides to have a horrible outburst like she did the night my mom was there with me and I have to call 911 because she starts throwing things, ripping things apart, and popping pills because she forgot she already took them and she's so strong you can't really stop her from popping another one?...not to mension my own health problems that I like to neglect and just hope it's okay because I'm too busy worrying about these because they are more important to me. Truth is I need to stop worrying so much because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night...but how do I stop worrying so much? Is it possible?
-Just Christianna

The Mix 08'....What Else?

Have you ever reached a stage in your belief where you are wondering what could possibly be next?...and by that I mean Have you ever reached that point where you wonder what more God could possibly do for you? The Mix 08' is coming up and I wasn't able to go last year but this past spring and summer I have grown so much in every way, and I have everyone at The Rock to thank for that, especially my small group leader who has become one of my BFF's and who is an awesome example of how someone living for Jesus should be like! I'm super excited for The Mix but I have reached a questioning point....there are going to be people there who have very little maybe even some who have no faith at all there at The Mix, and I'm 100% sure that their world is going to get ROCKED and I'm so excited for them, but anyways as I was saying there are going to be people there who have little faith, their world will be Rocked, but what is God going to do for me? What more can God do for me? I feel less important than them, than anyone around me because I always put other people first so to me they are more important and I should sit back and let them receive Jesus since I already have. I guess I may have reached a hault in my growth state. Sure, I help out in the nursery...alot, and I love it whole-heartedly it makes me happy, I am a little part of New Wine, and I also love and commit to that whole-heartedly especially since that's one of the things I asked God for! But I still wonder, what more could he possibly do? I know he is not done with me yet, but I still quesition whether or not he is. What else can he do? What else can I do?...Will The Mix 08' even change anything for me?

A Cause I Believe In Part 1

It's everywhere...plastered on the cover of magazines, cd's, in clothing stores, on tv, and even you might have some on your facebook or myspace...what am I talking about? Anything that sparks the flame of sex appeal!...



One of the key sayings in the fashion and celeb worlds are "Sex sells!"..it's sad but very true! It's everywhere! Those outfits yes, they are all cute...but they were meant for the privacy of your own home with a husband, not for you to wear out in public to a Halloween Party! I was looking at a friend's pictures today and saddened that they thought sex appeal was a fun way to take every picture...the sad thing is I myself have a few pictures that might spark that flame also even though it was not intended! But here is my question...Why do you have to basically sell your body in order to sell a product?! Does it make the product any less in value if the model were to just smile or not do anything concidered sexy? I dunno it's their own choice. If selling their body to sell a product makes them happy then by all means I am not going to stop you but think about this....there are women and even CHILDREN out there who are being sold into sex slavery this very minute not by choice, BY FORCE!!! I don't know about you but last time I heard, being forced to have sex with someone is RAPE! Around 30,000 of the women and children, who in the sex trafficing world are called Brothels, being sold to sex slavery DIE from abuse, torture, neglect, and disease! 30,000!!!! That's 30,000 more people who could be sold out for Jesus instead!!! There is no one there to tell them that they can free themselves from it, that they are pure in the eyes of Christ because they don't know anything but what they are dealing with day after day! They are sold into sex slavery..and sadly that's all they know! This is sad, "break my heart for what breaks yours"...my heart is torn into shreds for these women and children who need to be freed! So think about this.....What if you were one of them? Put yourself in their shoes for a minute! What if you were kidnapped and forced to perform sex acts with complete strangers!? What can you do to help?....it starts with intended sex appeal..."Sex sells"...why yes, it does but there are other ways to sell things without having to do it in a sexual manner! When I look around and see everything around me has to include some kind of sexual things, it pisses me off because I have my reasons why I HATE anything having to do with sex!...it sickens me.
-Christianna

Disney Princess Christianna...Freakish Similarity!!

So this morning my mom and I were talking about people who look similar....and she brought this to my attention....

....From the almond catish eye shape, the thick eye brows, to the face shape and body type...I thought that was pretty amazing that they decided to base a Disney Princess after me, because you know when I was a little girl they looked at me and said she's so cute, I'm just gonna base a Disney Princess after her and give her a new name...yyyyeah...just kidding! Lol, but it did remind me of when I was younger...I always wanted to be her for Halloween and I never got to, lol. I always wondered what I'd look like if I was a cartoon...cheers to Disney for making a Disney Princess Christianna!
-Christianna Denise

Inspiration

I believe that inspiration can be hard to find at times. Those times when you just feel like blah, unloved, or maybe it's just the change of season...that is when you need inspiration. At any moment you are saseptable to find it but you just aren't looking hard enough, and finally you rest a little and then without effort, you find the inspiration you've been looking for. One of my biggest inspirations have always been music. Today I was watching August Rush and I really got to thinking about it. Music really IS everywhere. It's all around us and we don't realize, all we have to do is listen. It's in the trees that move to the beat of the wind, it's in all of the sounds of the city, whether it's a car honking, feet walking, music is EVERYWHERE....especially in the voice of God. The truth is that lately I have gotten so much inspiration out of Austin, Amanda, Justin, pretty much everyone at the church and everything happening for the church, the whole Matthew West thing...I feel so pushed..I want to do something big with the only instrument I have learned pretty okay..my voice! I really do have this huge desire that I cannot explain and I don't know what to do. I know that I would love to have someone help me to find my voice more. All I know is that I want to amaze people, I want to use what I've got to bring them closer to God, closer to Jesus, and I want to inspire THEM!! The only thing...it's hurting my heart that I do not know where to start...but this desire is pushing and dragging my emotions like crazy...lately it doesn't take much to make me cry, OR make me happy! Final thoughts...let the music around you lead you where it wants you to go (music=God). What inspires you? Any thoughts or comments??

-Christianna Denise

p.s. I love you!

My Little Sweetheart <3

<---That's my girl, Paige! I remember when I first got to hold her at the hospital...she was so tiny, and I was only 10 or maybe even younger and I changed her diaper and took care of her just like she was my own! They grow so fast!...and as the years quickly fade I see her growing into a little lady...in just 4 years she'll be a teenager!...but I can wait for that..I will enjoy the time I have before she hits teenage years! Her birthday is Thursday and she will be 9! It seems like just yesterday when she was this little....

...What a sweetheart! I was sitting at the computer today and I peered out of the corner of my eye only to find her standing next to me on a step ladder holding a tiny training bra in her hand...all fancy with a snap in the middle and everything...haha! The only thing I could say was very cool! Lol and I was thinking, you don't need one right now but wait until you do, hold off babygirl, and don't grow up too fast. Oh how I love my little sweetheart...who at the moment is sitting right at my side as always. Boy, they sure do grow up fast. I will enjoy the time I have before she has to wear REAL bras!...*MUAH* Love her! Couldn't find any other words to say, I am left speechless...in the mean time I am about to go tuck her into bed. Goodnite all! Enjoy the time you have with all of your little sweethearts because time is ticking and flowers are fading!

-Christianna Denise

Things To Work On

Here a some things I've discovered that I need to work on...If you wanna help me with any of these be my guest, I'd appreciate it!
*Becoming better, learning more, and learning to be more confident with singing
*Reading my bible and being better at praying
*Coming out of my room more often, instead of caging myself up in it!
*Organization- I used to be so good at it, and now I just never know where to start unless it's someone else's things
*Eating healthier and taking vitamins, so that I get sick less this winter...last winter my record for strep was 8 times..and YES I still have my tonsils! But the only thing is I am a super picky eater, and I don't exactly know what it means to eat healthy since my outlook on all food is that every bit of it can make you fat, and even when I eat something healthy I still feel like I shouldn't be eating it and I really wish we didn't have to eat to survive because I still have a strong dislike for food!
*Learning how to catch all of my falling relationships before they completely hit the ground and shatter and growing closer to those who I am close to, to prevent a falling relationship with them!
*Having more faith in everything!

Any contributes will help! Books, advice, 1 on 1 talks, ANYTHING! I'd like to reach all of these goals beyond what I can imagine, and I have much desire to do so!

-Christianna Denise
p.s. I love you!!

Court and Prayer

Last year, my dad's death lead to many many issues, some that are still trying to be solved! First we found out about the company lieing about the protection being up, which wasn't until they'd found that he fell. Then, we found out about some lady that claimed to still be his wife that he was married to a LONG time ago, whom wanted the money to pay for a child that she claimed was his, which turned out not to be after my dad's wife-to-be had to collect his tooth brush and hairbrush in order to get the DNA test to prove her wrong, but the court LOST the divorce papers and it is not on file so therefore this lady that none of us even knew still exsisted because her mother said she'd died is still concidered his wife and might get some of the money IF we get any from the company who lied and is being sued, and it's almost a 300,000 dollar lawsuit!....Here is what gets me the most.....this woman has not even claimed any part of my dad until she learned about the company being sued, and she is ledgable to get part of the money when my dad has us 5 kids that mattered the most to him...I don't care about if I get any part of this...what I care about is my 3 younger siblings being taken care of, what I care about is after my family paid the costs for everything else, the headstone has not been paid for yet...it's been a YEAR and my dad does NOT have a headstone for his grave! What I care about is all of this CRAP effecting my younger siblings in a bad way....my youngest brother just turned 9, and he doesn't even understand anything that's gone on so far really. His response to the visitation was "Look sissy, you can touch him!" What I care about is us all finally feeling like my dad can truly rest! I have been meeting with Heather (the fiance') and the lawyer and all the lawyer keeps saying is that it doesn't look good. I'm scared! I don't know what to expect! I'm expected to show up to these court dates cuz if anything needs to be signed I have to sign for it since my dad's parents aren't alive that means I'm next for all decisionmaking and I don't even know when the next one is! I am pushed to to limit with this, and I didn't make the decision to be involved, I have to be!...I am also all alone in dealing with this, I don't know my dad's side of the family, my siblings and 1 aunt, that's all I know...but I am not around them enough. Is it bad to feel like sometimes prayer isn't enough? What more can I do to make light of this situation?, which is WAY more complicated than I've even written here. HELP!

Butterfly

When you love someone so much whether it's your friends, or family it's easy to give into fear, fear that they will judge you, or fear that you'll stumble and they'll completely abandon you at all costs, then it's like a butterfly...if you've ever held one you try to keep it in your hands for as long as possible and finally you have to just open your hands and watch it fly away, the same goes for the ones you love, you can teach them and learn from them, but eventually you have to open up your hands and watch them rise...You can still teach them, and learn from them, but opening up your hands to watch them rise just brings better understanding of each other and room to grow closer.

I have learned that true beauty comes from God, that "light" he has placed within us! If that light isn't shining then we are kind of like a horse, the most beautiful ones are the wild ones that run unbridled and the ones that don't slowly lose their spirits. A while ago a friend and I were having a late lunch at Panera just talking and this is what randomly came out of her mouth. She told me that she thinks of me kind of like a butterfly because when she first met me I was kind of like that caterpillar because I was SO shy that I was deathly afraid to come up to her and just say even a simple hello, and I've been through alot in only 19 years of life, and now I was finally in the cacoon, and that she couldn't wait to see what I'd be like when I finally broke out of the cacoon and became a beautiful butterfly. I have taken that to heart...I don't know why but it makes me feel that warm loved feeling inside like we all do during the holidays when we watch all of the holiday movies with happy endings. God and the people we love give us courage to be all that we can and it's up to us to choose to take it to heart or not...if you finally let that butterfly rise to the sun, their hearts lead them back to you when they're ready to land again.

When you see someone you love hurting it's hard to hide that your eyes have been constantly streaming with tears, and it's hard not to let the hurt overtake you. But just as I've said before you have to open up your hands and let them rise, otherwise they'll never know what it's like to fly. We experience everything for a reason, and I believe our experiences make our hearts stronger! How is they're heart supposed to grow stronger if you don't open your hands to watch them rise?

So encourage the people you love. Love them, teach them, cry with them, be that person, open your hands and just watch them become that beautiful butterfly that flies abandondly into the sun, they will be led back to you when they're ready to land. Help them to become beautiful butterflies!
Shoutouts....if you are in my life right now, I don't care if you think you don't matter...you do, more than you know! I love you truely!
-Christianna Denise
p.s. here's the song lyrics!!!



When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise
Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Verse 2

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)
Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun (fly to the sun)
If you should return to me (I will know you're mine)
We truly were meant to be (spread your wings and fly)
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly (my butterfly)
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be (you and I)
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly.

Sacrafice...

When we become followers of Christ, it's so hard when you start to learn sacrafice. The Mix 08' is gonna be amazing, I feel it!...and in order to go I sacraficed my phone, and for me that's a huge deal...it's eating away at me right now...tomorrow unless some magical money fairy comes and blesses me with $35 I will not have a phone until tuesday, when I get paid....it's eating away at me when I get texts and can't respond...AHHH! It's also very frustraiting that my paycheck will be gone next week basically, all because of nessessities....why do we need to pay freaking 100 for some stupid sticker to go on ur license plate...I mean really, Isn't the fact that we paid for some stupid letters and numbers to be bent into metal enough?...no of course not you have to have a stupid STICKER to go ON the plates!! Nothing is ever enough and I'm sick of it! Not enough money, or love or If you're body doesn't have enough food, you die...there are freaking kids in Africa STARVING, DIEING and this is EATING AWAY at me because I feel as if I have nothing to give them but my thoughts and prayers because I myself am just barely making it...and I can only HOPE that next week I have enough to pay all of my expenses...otherwise it's again no phone!...and then I'm pretty much screwed if anything happens, or anyone needs to get ahold of me for something important....on the plus side I will still be able to recieve texts...I just won't be able to send them or call anyone!....is there a help button hiding somewhere? If you find it remember to tell me where it is so that I can go push it! Needless to say YES YES I would really love to hide away in my room for an entire week, month, or so and never come out...but that doesn't solve anything and I'm pretty sure I'd get 15 million calls saying Why haven't you been at church for the past four weeks?...Oh because I'm a selfish pig (I'm not I swear)!...What a lame excuse is that, Christianna?! <--(me talking to myself) or maybe 1 person who cared enough would come pounding at my room window actually probably not, lol, but you get the point! I actually have thought of stopping going to church for a few weeks....but then I was like I don't think I could do it, I really don't...I'd miss the amazing presence of God, and seeing change and I'd miss Amanda, Javen, Justin, The Blest girls, ect...I would miss everyone too much...I would miss everything about that church too much to even miss one Sunday, or one Wednesday. The sunday I sang at my mom's church all I could think about was how I was probably missing out on a sermon that I really needed to hear, and missing all of my church family! Okay, yeah I'm done now...needless to say Frustraition to the max right now...I hope 2009 holds more hope than 2008 because I feel as if I didn't start to learn or grow until I started hanging out talking and yes....well I am done...I'm sure I could write an entire book right now...but I'll save you your sanity and stop here because apparently I have lost mine...if you find it make sure you send it back my way, thanks your a pal! :0) Much luv <3
-Just Christianna
p.s. yeah lame I know...but aren't I supposed to be posting my feelings on here anyways??

Mic. Check, Reality Check, Debut Part 2!...

So.....Part 2....
Mic Check: Practice was ummm interesting...and my first mic. check will never be my last and the oddness of saying "check" into the mic will always be just a bit awkward I think...it was quite funny actually...Shannon "SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!"...Me "CHECKKK!!!". Then practice resumes and Austin "Can you hear yourself okay?"..Me I shake my head but really I'm thinking "Yeah if I scream"...too shy to say no no I really can't lol! As practice resumed I started to think..
Here's the reality check..."OMGSH!, Are you freaking serious? Is this REALLY happening? I freaking walked into the church and SAID I was gonna be here in this spot and I'm standing here!"....at that point I got a bit teary eyed and I wanted to jump up and down with JOY saying "PRAISE JESUS!"....but I chose not to since I'm 100% sure that that would draw some attention..I try to do the least of that!
Debut: As the time countdown is showing my heart starts pumping faster 30, 29, 28...OH GOSH the adrenaline rush I get before is what pushes me to continue! The music starts and I immediately was brought into what I like to call "The Zone", which I will explain shortly, and I was no longer nervous, no longer getting that adrenaline rush, but I was comfortable because it was me and God!.."The Zone" is my favorite place to be, and that is when I grow the MOST in my faith, it only makes me want to worship praise and thank God, even MORE!...it's when I feel that nervousness and that adrenaline rush lifted off of my body and as I am doing whatever it is I literally forget that everyone else is there, like I'm listening to a cd and worshiping or something, and It's me, God, and the music that's playing keeps us in unity, keeps us in sync with each other! "Sing to me a new song"...I sang this morning for God to be my voice...and as I was in "The Zone, I felt it! I FELT IT!...At some point I felt my lips moving, I felt and heard what was coming out, but at the same time I felt like it wasn't my own voice, but this voice lifted me higher than anything! At the point where I started coming back from "The Zone", I felt the biggest sigh of relief and I felt as if something was telling me that as far as ministry goes, it's where I belong, it's where I will learn to grow the most, and it's where God has placed me for a reason! I finally felt important enough to be a part of something and it can only get better from here! Although I really do believe, and I always do believe that I coulda done better...but it'll do for my first time!! Once I get more experience I'll let out like a ball of fire...believe me! I could become the next Amanda Dean!....haha I know that's funny I'm laughing too, if only I could be that anointed, there's only one of those!...WELL I'll have to settle for becoming the next Christianna Crosby..oh wait i am her.. seriously tho, I can always listen and learn from my influences, yes Amanda that includes you, and I'll find my own voice and grow from it! I believe it and if you do too "Can I get an Amen?!" lol! Much love peace music...I'm pretty pooped from an exciting night! (we all know I'll be up 4 another 3 hours)
-Christianna Denise

Mic. Check, Reality Check, Debut Part 1....

Mic checks, harmonizing, and praising Jesus...the third one came at a later time, but as for the other two...they've always been a part of my passion...I haven't even really started yet until tomorrow and I've already put it on my list for things that stir my passion for Jesus and brings me closer to him.
Tomorrow will be my Debut at the Rock...right now I am thinking "Holy Crud, is this really happening??!!"...I will officially be a part of something at The Rock...and let me tell you my entire body and mind is FLAMING with SO much PASSION! The more I think about it, the more I want to praise Jesus for even planning that I'd walk into that church someday...and I'm SO glad that even after I wanted to give up, I didn't and he kept pushing me the entire time! My promise to the rest of the band members is that I promise that I will put my whole heart into it, and work at becoming better each time!...I promise you that I have SO much passion inside of me for this, and in fact a year ago I was sitting in the crowd telling God that THAT is what I wanted, and it's not at all about the stage presence, it's about worshiping God and how I feel CLOSER to him when I am in the zone...I promise you I will do the best I can, and that you can count on me.

"I'll be right here where you need me, anytime just keep believing, and I'll be right here. If you ever need a friend, someone to care and understand, I'll be right here. All you have to do is call my name, No matter how close or far away, Ask me once and I'll come, I'll come runnin, And when I can't be with you dream me near, Keep me in your heart and I'll appear, All you gotta do is turn around, Close your eyes, Look inside, I'm right here."

-Christianna Denise Crosby

Breaks My Heart

<--That happens to be or at least is supposed to be one of my best friends. I've known her since kindergarden...and she's amazing BUT right now my heart is breaking just looking at this picture, it makes me want to start balling because at the rate we are going right now, if something doesn't get done soon we are both going to end up saying that we USED to be best friends. That's all for now because I'm 100% sure that if I say any more I will cry. Jesus!!!
-Christianna

Someone To Love

I am so excited for when I finally get married and have that relationship and my own family! I am very much so longing for someone to love unconditionally and someone to unconditionally love me. I have so much love to give and to be honest, whoever I marry will be a blessed guy because I want to make him feel like he's the most blessed guy on the planet and that marrying me was never a mistake! But most importantly I want him to set Jesus as his first most important thing and when the other guys are complaining about their wives, I want him to be the real man, the one who stands out without any doubt or fear to say that he's blessed to have me! I want a husband who shows Jesus in everything he does, who amazes me, who can be my best friend, loves every flaw I have, who stays true to his word always with so much faithfulness! I am utterly longing for someone to love and someone who loves me! Jesus, you know what's in my heart....send me that blue-eyed wonder who is SO crazy about you!!...someone to love and love me!
-Christianna Denise

A Day I Won't Forget (A Year Ago)

A year ago today is a day I will never in my life, forget. Here is exactly how my day went...

I woke up at 7:30 to get ready for school, which I happen to live 5 mins away from. Headed to my first class Art Appreciation, second class Speech, then met Justine to walk to Math class with her.We had a test that day...as the teacher was passing out the test a lady comes in, talks to the teacher and then calls me out to the hallway. "Your mom called and said you need to call her right away. There's been a medical emergency." So she takes me upstairs, on my way up my heart is racing a million miles an hour, my stomach is churning, and so many thoughts of what it could be were running through my mind.."Oh, no, I wonder what happened to Granny. I hope Crenesto is okay(my uncle)."...trying to prep myself for what I thought would be the worst news. "You can use this phone right here to call your mom"...
"Trinity Medical Center, this is Davonda speaking"
"Mom?"
"Hi, aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Yeah, but someone called the school and said you called and said there was a medical emergency and I needed to call you"
"That's funny, I didn't call. It wasn't me..but that's kind of wierd because Jeanie called me 6 times on my cellphone but I missed all of her calls"
"I hope Mistie is okay. I hope nothing happened to her"
"Oh hold on...she's calling right now"...then she switches phones and is talking as I'm trying to listen to see if I can hear anything.
"Chris, go back to class, We'll talk when you get home okay?"...she says in a someone died kind of voice.
"Okay, bye"...I say in a scared choking back tears kind of voice.

I didn't know what was going on but as I was walking back to class I was choking back tears the whole time worried that something happened to one of my best friend's and I'd known her since I was 5, and she has a kid, how is Addie going to live without her mother. So I decided I couldn't sit in class and just went back to get my stuff and tell the teacher I wouldn't be back in class, then head to my car to go home.
As I arrive home my mom is coming down the street at the same time as a fast speed and pulls into the driveway. I park my car, get out, and head inside and set my stuff down.
"I think you should sit down"
"Okay"
"Chris, there was an accident this morning with your dad"
"What happened? Is he gonna be okay?"
"He was working on a roof this morning around 8 or so and he accidentally stepped on the skylight and fell through it. The fall was 16 feet, he fell pretty hard...he didn't make it"
I then start babbling and crying histerically..."But I just saw him last night! I talked to him! He was there! He came into work to see me and we sat at the table with Heather and talked! HE WAS THERE I SAW HIM!!!!"
"I'm so sorry Chris."
"But he was there.."
"He came to visit you?"
"Yeah, I called him because I wanted to talk to him and we weren't busy at all so we talked for like 30 mins and then he said that he would see if Heather would bring him to see me and he said "Maybe you'll have to cook me some dinner"..and then when he got there he tried ordering one of everything on the menu. I saw him...he was there!"
"What are you doing today?"
"I need to go run some errends before Nicole picks me up for KYC."
"Maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for you to drive."
"I'll be fine! I need to go...I have to run some errends!"
I walked down the driveway back to my car and drove off. At that point I didn't know that I would be the one signing papers, choosing where his body went, I didn't know that the two sides of the family The Dietches and The Whipples would be fighting because the Whipples didn't want him where I chose, at that point I didn't know that a year later we'd be getting a lawyer because his work company LIED and because of their lies he could be alive today! I DIDNT KNOW THAT A YEAR LATER WE'D STILL BE JUST GETTING STARTED WITH THE COURT CASES FOR TWO DIFFERENT REASONS!
Daddy, I love you so much and still long to jump into your arms and just hear your voice one more time because there is no love like the unconditional love of a parent! I still sometimes don't realize that when I go to your house, you will not be there greeting me at the door "Hi Honey. I missed you!" I still sometimes don't realize that you will not be walking me down the isle at my wedding..instead you'll be a memory that I once had. We all still miss you, and the boys are starting to look more like you each time I see them (Kota acts so much like you!). And I really hope that you are at peace because sometimes what's going on here makes it hard to believe that it's even possible to be at peace (court). You're in my heart, and part of the reason I am where I am today...getting to know Jesus like I should be. I know you'd be happy for me because you always were. Like you always said to me "Love ya more!" and I'll "Always be your little girl!"
-Christianna Denise Crosby

Passion

The word passion can be defined as a strong enthusiasm or fondness for something. Jesus is a passion that I have chosen to persue, I have stumbled and fell a few times but thanks to Amanda who has become one of my favorite people, best friends and inspiration this summer, I have learned and am still learning how to pick myself up and continue on my path to eternity. Everyone has a voice and my passions are what helps me find my voice that has been lost and silenced in my past. BUT if you know me you KNOW that I, CHRISTIANNA DENISE CANNOT talk about PASSION without expressing my passion for the stage and the stage life. Here is a little taste of what I enjoy...the 30 second costume changes backstage (it's fun, adrenaline rush!), being on one side of the stage and having 20 seconds to run to the other side when you get backstage before you have to be on stage again, the fun amazing costumes themselves (it's like playing dress up!), dreaming of being on bigger stages when in reality I'm in my living room performing to my favorite songs and imaginary audiences with a mic in my hand that doesn't even work but I don't even care that they don't....I have been blessed with a very strong passion for performing...and better yet in a couple weeks I will get to use this passion to worship Jesus Christ, I CAN'T WAIT!! The funny thing is that when I first started going to The Rock I said "I want to be on that stage with them worshiping God! Watch me, I'll be on there, I've got a feeling!". That was a dream to me, and it's so silly but I would literally day dream about it like people dream about meeting their favorite stars, I dreamt about worshiping God on stage at The Rock while doing something I'm so passionate about. Thank you God for giving me these passions, sending me an inspiration who is so passionate about you in everything she does that every inperfection is what makes her perfectly beautiful, thank you god for helping me find my voice again.
-Christianna Denise (aka Lil' Diva)