A Father's Love

"I'm found in the arms of love, Your love it has saved my soul, I'll run to your arms of love..."

From what I understand, or from what I have seen and been shown by watching others... a father's love is one of a kind, precious, protective, forgiving, strong holding, forever lasting, never giving up, sometimes giving in easily. He is the person who allows their child to run back into his arms no matter how old he or she is, the one who wipes the tears and then threatens whatever made his child cry.. a father's love is something that a lot of people mess their lives up trying to find to fill the hole that their non-exsistant or abusive or panzy father has left.. something every person deserves to understand, to feel, and to have. As I walk along this path less traveled by, I wonder how different I would be, had I felt or experienced this kind of love. Would it have been easier or harder for me to accept God into my life? Would I still be filled with jealousy when I see an amazing father loving his child? Would I still be the same person? How would it have changed my veiws of things? Ya know, sometimes I feel so much like a parentless child... but then as I sit here listening to this song, tears begin to fall as I close my eyes and my imagination runs wild.. God the Father of the fatherless is holding out his arms towards me as I run to him with tears falling down my face and finally I find comfort as he is holding me in his arms.. this is a father's love.. this must be what it feels like but I will never know, I can only hope to truly understand one day.

-Beautifully Broken

One of my strongest love languages..

A simple cheek or forehead kiss can mean so much to a person even though to you it may feel like nothing or like just a breath of air. Reassurance, a heart-felt "I love you, friend", "I care", or "I'm here for you" and so much more, even the most simple kiss can mean all of these things. Something that may seem so simple to you might mean the world to another person without you even knowing it! I miss out. If I could ask for anything in the entire world right now, ANYTHING, not excluding actual store bought items, I'd ask for the kind of reassuring, heart-felt kiss that my Daddy gave me the day before he died. Love like this is PRICELESS!... beautiful.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

Big Steel Gates Part 4: Just A Dream

If I had known that that night at work had been the last time I was gonna see him, I woulda spent all night talking to him, and held on as long as I could. My daddy was always there...and I hid it, from my friends, and family because anytime I ever told them I had talked to my daddy, or went to see him, they would make fun of me....so I hid it and none of them know that he was my rock, that I talked to him all the time, and that we were bonded so tightly together. This is the hardest thing that I've EVER had to go through and experience. Who is your best friend? Imagine losing that person suddenly one day to a tragic accident, knowing that the night before you had JUST saw them and they were just fine! I miss him SO much all the time...and ESPECIALLY during the holidays...I'm not going to lie, I have spent many sleepless nights, many nights crying myself to sleep over how deeply it hurts wondering when it gets easier. Seeing my baby sister (13) hurting just as much as me, and seeing my big sissy who was searching for my dad and never got to meet him before she found out he was gone...my heart, just hurts, SO much for them! Sometimes if I close my eyes, and think about all of the times my daddy held me in his arms so tight just to say I love you, I can almost feel his arms wrapped around me again...but it just doesn't compare. I know that if it had been someone else, and my daddy was still here, he would be holding me right now, and I can almost hear his voice saying "Baby, it's gonna be alright, I'm right here"...just like he did summer 07' when we found out my granny had cancer, and just like the night I got rushed to the hospital that summer. But when I almost hear his voice, and almost feel his warm arms wrapped around me, I open my eyes and realize that it's just a dream...and I know I was hoping that when I was standing in front of his casket staring at his stiff body, and the bruises that they tried to hide, standing there as we put flowers on his casket before it was lowered hoping wishing that I could die and go with him, I KNOW I was hoping that it was just a dream...but it wasn't.
-Daddy's Girl
"God be the solution.....Be a father to the fatherless.."

I Believe Always My Savior Never Fails!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you don't have to take even a second to think about it before you say it was truly a God moment? Don't those moments just touch your heart? The other day I was cleaning and all of a sudden out of nowhere my Grandma came to my mind and literally 5 seconds later she called my cell....it was such a wierd feeling when I thought of her out of the blue and then she called my phone. My heart is just so DRENCHED in love right now that it's overwhelming!...but also is so broken and hurt! Sometimes I feel like my heart is floating in the air looking for a place to rest, my heart is so overwhelmingly drenched in his love right now because my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Nicole and I took my Grandma to the mall yesterday and it was the most stressful and most sad thing that I've seen lately! Since she has cancer she is on some pill that makes her kinda loopy and just not all there...and she kept repeating herself, she walked out the door when Nicole and I weren't looking and was looking for Walgreens even though 5 mins before that we already told her it wasn't around there, then when we went to the food court to get food she went to one place and paid for food then walked off before she even got her food at that place and went and got food somewhere else and didn't even get her money back, she just walked away! The last time Nicole saw her she was her normal self and she didn't expect that, at all and she thought she was getting alztimers or something then I told her it was the medication she was on. Then today I remembered the song and story that the lead singer from Building 429 told us/sang us at the concert I went to with Cassie, and he told us about a lady who lost her 3yr old son because he got murdered by her exhusband and that he couldn't sleep one night and wrote this song Always and that lady's story reminded him of his own pain when his dad left him and his mom...and I also relate to the song with my own stories of my past, and my dad, and my now my Granny....then he told us that God knows our pain and his promise remains that he'll always be with us and he will NEVER fail to keep his word even when we feel there is no hope left, He's there. Thank you God, for never failing, and that you are a faithful deliverer! I might be hurting, but you never fail to drench my heart in love when I really need it! "I believe always, always our savior never fails, and even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, and he will be with you always!"
-Christianna Denise

Court and Prayer

Last year, my dad's death lead to many many issues, some that are still trying to be solved! First we found out about the company lieing about the protection being up, which wasn't until they'd found that he fell. Then, we found out about some lady that claimed to still be his wife that he was married to a LONG time ago, whom wanted the money to pay for a child that she claimed was his, which turned out not to be after my dad's wife-to-be had to collect his tooth brush and hairbrush in order to get the DNA test to prove her wrong, but the court LOST the divorce papers and it is not on file so therefore this lady that none of us even knew still exsisted because her mother said she'd died is still concidered his wife and might get some of the money IF we get any from the company who lied and is being sued, and it's almost a 300,000 dollar lawsuit!....Here is what gets me the most.....this woman has not even claimed any part of my dad until she learned about the company being sued, and she is ledgable to get part of the money when my dad has us 5 kids that mattered the most to him...I don't care about if I get any part of this...what I care about is my 3 younger siblings being taken care of, what I care about is after my family paid the costs for everything else, the headstone has not been paid for yet...it's been a YEAR and my dad does NOT have a headstone for his grave! What I care about is all of this CRAP effecting my younger siblings in a bad way....my youngest brother just turned 9, and he doesn't even understand anything that's gone on so far really. His response to the visitation was "Look sissy, you can touch him!" What I care about is us all finally feeling like my dad can truly rest! I have been meeting with Heather (the fiance') and the lawyer and all the lawyer keeps saying is that it doesn't look good. I'm scared! I don't know what to expect! I'm expected to show up to these court dates cuz if anything needs to be signed I have to sign for it since my dad's parents aren't alive that means I'm next for all decisionmaking and I don't even know when the next one is! I am pushed to to limit with this, and I didn't make the decision to be involved, I have to be!...I am also all alone in dealing with this, I don't know my dad's side of the family, my siblings and 1 aunt, that's all I know...but I am not around them enough. Is it bad to feel like sometimes prayer isn't enough? What more can I do to make light of this situation?, which is WAY more complicated than I've even written here. HELP!

A Day I Won't Forget (A Year Ago)

A year ago today is a day I will never in my life, forget. Here is exactly how my day went...

I woke up at 7:30 to get ready for school, which I happen to live 5 mins away from. Headed to my first class Art Appreciation, second class Speech, then met Justine to walk to Math class with her.We had a test that day...as the teacher was passing out the test a lady comes in, talks to the teacher and then calls me out to the hallway. "Your mom called and said you need to call her right away. There's been a medical emergency." So she takes me upstairs, on my way up my heart is racing a million miles an hour, my stomach is churning, and so many thoughts of what it could be were running through my mind.."Oh, no, I wonder what happened to Granny. I hope Crenesto is okay(my uncle)."...trying to prep myself for what I thought would be the worst news. "You can use this phone right here to call your mom"...
"Trinity Medical Center, this is Davonda speaking"
"Mom?"
"Hi, aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Yeah, but someone called the school and said you called and said there was a medical emergency and I needed to call you"
"That's funny, I didn't call. It wasn't me..but that's kind of wierd because Jeanie called me 6 times on my cellphone but I missed all of her calls"
"I hope Mistie is okay. I hope nothing happened to her"
"Oh hold on...she's calling right now"...then she switches phones and is talking as I'm trying to listen to see if I can hear anything.
"Chris, go back to class, We'll talk when you get home okay?"...she says in a someone died kind of voice.
"Okay, bye"...I say in a scared choking back tears kind of voice.

I didn't know what was going on but as I was walking back to class I was choking back tears the whole time worried that something happened to one of my best friend's and I'd known her since I was 5, and she has a kid, how is Addie going to live without her mother. So I decided I couldn't sit in class and just went back to get my stuff and tell the teacher I wouldn't be back in class, then head to my car to go home.
As I arrive home my mom is coming down the street at the same time as a fast speed and pulls into the driveway. I park my car, get out, and head inside and set my stuff down.
"I think you should sit down"
"Okay"
"Chris, there was an accident this morning with your dad"
"What happened? Is he gonna be okay?"
"He was working on a roof this morning around 8 or so and he accidentally stepped on the skylight and fell through it. The fall was 16 feet, he fell pretty hard...he didn't make it"
I then start babbling and crying histerically..."But I just saw him last night! I talked to him! He was there! He came into work to see me and we sat at the table with Heather and talked! HE WAS THERE I SAW HIM!!!!"
"I'm so sorry Chris."
"But he was there.."
"He came to visit you?"
"Yeah, I called him because I wanted to talk to him and we weren't busy at all so we talked for like 30 mins and then he said that he would see if Heather would bring him to see me and he said "Maybe you'll have to cook me some dinner"..and then when he got there he tried ordering one of everything on the menu. I saw him...he was there!"
"What are you doing today?"
"I need to go run some errends before Nicole picks me up for KYC."
"Maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for you to drive."
"I'll be fine! I need to go...I have to run some errends!"
I walked down the driveway back to my car and drove off. At that point I didn't know that I would be the one signing papers, choosing where his body went, I didn't know that the two sides of the family The Dietches and The Whipples would be fighting because the Whipples didn't want him where I chose, at that point I didn't know that a year later we'd be getting a lawyer because his work company LIED and because of their lies he could be alive today! I DIDNT KNOW THAT A YEAR LATER WE'D STILL BE JUST GETTING STARTED WITH THE COURT CASES FOR TWO DIFFERENT REASONS!
Daddy, I love you so much and still long to jump into your arms and just hear your voice one more time because there is no love like the unconditional love of a parent! I still sometimes don't realize that when I go to your house, you will not be there greeting me at the door "Hi Honey. I missed you!" I still sometimes don't realize that you will not be walking me down the isle at my wedding..instead you'll be a memory that I once had. We all still miss you, and the boys are starting to look more like you each time I see them (Kota acts so much like you!). And I really hope that you are at peace because sometimes what's going on here makes it hard to believe that it's even possible to be at peace (court). You're in my heart, and part of the reason I am where I am today...getting to know Jesus like I should be. I know you'd be happy for me because you always were. Like you always said to me "Love ya more!" and I'll "Always be your little girl!"
-Christianna Denise Crosby