My "Family"

I can't help but burst with joy and SO much love when just even one thought of them comes in my mind and I wonder what they are up to or if they feel the same way or not or maybe I'm just crazy.... but never have I felt so much love for a family before. I could only WISH that I was related but also have experienced what it the word "family" really means without even being so..but just feeling like I am. Feeling like I belong and am accepted somewhere, no strings attatched. I don't go a day without thinking about them. "Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?"...yes much too often when I am just hanging out with them, whether its laughing at Justin being mean to people on reality tv shows, Amanda and I staying up and having bonding time watching tv and talking after Justin goes to bed, or Javen just walking up to me out of the blue, planting a kiss on my cheek and saying he loves me.. No words are even strong enough, powerful enough, loving enough, thankful enough to describe how I feel. Look at that picture. How could anyone NOT love them! I can't wait until there is 4! I have learned so much and I have so much still to learn.

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

Big Steel Gates Part 2: So small, SO BIG!

It's so funny how something so small can be SO BIG in life, happiness, joy, love and make you love more than you ever thought possible. Something that can bring happy tears to your eyes so much because it just reminds you of how BIG God is, and how much MORE he loves us! A year ago if you would have asked me if I planned to have kids when I was older...I woulda told you yes but only one, and I didn't want a boy...and I was probably going to adopt it as opposed to having it the natural way. God did a big thing for me when he brought me to The Rock and introduced me to this little guy...and his family! I have always loved kids...I actually started looking after and helping taking care of my aunt's little girl and boy since I was about 10 or 11 and I changed their diapers, gave them baths, fed them, played with them, all of the things you should know how to do when you're taking care of a child....and when I was little house used to be my favorite game...most little girls you know always want to play the baby, but I ALWAYS loved to play the mommy....but even tho I love kids I still woulda told you that I only wanted ONE. When I got introduced to this church, this family, and this ONE little boy..all of that CHANGED for me. Now if you asked me how many kids I want, I will more than likely tell you 4 at the most and 2 at the least because I want one girl and one boy at least..and that I can't wait to have my own family and hopefully raise my kids in a happy Christian home....and I am still pondering that thought of having them myself (its a start cuz before I wouldn't have even pondered the thought before moving on to adoption)...but I KNOW I DO want to adopt AT LEAST one of my kids!! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much, I never knew that I could love someone so much, feel so much, feel so important! I NEVER knew that someone SO small, could be SO BIG!...before God brought me here, to this city, this church, this family, and this little boy. <3
-Na Na

Footprints In The Sand...

In the poem Footprints in the sand by Mary Stevenson, a man has a dream that he's walking along the beach with God while scenes from his life are flashing in the sky. For most of the scenes the man sees two sets of footprints in the sand, one belongs to him, one belongs to God but the man noticed that during the really tough times in his life, there was only ONE set of footprints..he began assuming that there was only one set of footprints because during those hard times God left him alone...The man then asked God why he left him alone in such difficult times in his life...and God replies that he didn't leave the man alone, he was carrying the man during those times and that's why there was only one set of footprints. It is neat to hear other people's perspectives on this poem because everyone has a different perspective. Solely the meaning of this poem is to let us know that we are never alone...sometimes you may see only one set of prints, but don't be mistaken, it's not because God has abandoned you, it's because you have failed to realize that he's carrying you. Now think about a footprint, when someone leaves a footprint anywhere, even if the footprint goes away sight wise, it's still there because our skin will leave traces of oil there...even though we can't see it. In a same but different kind of way, our friends leave footprints in our hearts..10 years down the road you might not even hang out at all but when you see something that reminds you of a friend, even if you haven't hung out, you'll say oh this reminds me of the time me and...went here. Each of my friends and family have left their mark, their footprints, in my heart, and in my life..they've all taught me SOMETHING and no matter how big or small of a difference they think that something will make or has made, it's something that I will take to heart, learn from, and dish out in tons of love!!..and I hope that the same way they've left theirs, I leave mine! Think about this...Who has made footprints in your heart? In your life? Have you told them lately how much you love and appreciate them? I try to tell the ones I love that I love them as much as I can because one of the things I learned from my dad's death is that you NEVER KNOW when it's supposed to be their time, and we take lightly to the words I Love You almost as if we're taking it for granted...CHERISH each moment, soak it in, and let them know how much you love them....I mean this in this strongest way possible: I LOVE YOU!!

The Cause of Bad Days

I'm pretty much having a bad couple of days and when it starts to get better something else always happens....bad days make me want to jump in front of a moving train and be done with it already!...it's pretty extreme, but for a person with previous suicidal thoughts, it's not. It feels like I'm standing in the pouring rain getting soaked with no way to get out of it, like everyone is locking their doors when I try to come in from the rain. I'd rather jump off a bridge...or better yet follow in my dad's footsteps and fall through a skylight..I mean really come on!! What makes me feel like that again? When everything is such a mess and starts resulting in relationship failing....which ding ding ding that's pretty much been my past few days. If I were lieing to you I would be telling you that everything is fine, and that I am not being hindered from God, and Jesus Christ, if I were lieing I would be telling you that I'm okay and I haven't been having suicidal thoughts for the past few days that have caused multiple bad panic attacks where I nearly pass out....WHILE DRIVING! Last night I went to Friday night worship...and there were a couple prayers in particular that hit the spot....Mady was apparently spoken to by God, that's not a lie, and told her that there was some kind of blockage some kind of wall being built and it was blocking my relationship with him...and when she told me that I thought of earlier that day when I had thought about just quitting and not going to church for a while. Then some other lady went up to the mic and apparently God spoke to her too, sounded like, and...I am choosing to not even get into that one on here, but that too just hit home. Then this morning my morning started off with a big bang...let me tell you....and it included arguing with 3 different people over twitter, and text. Needless to say......DAYYYY PLEEEEASE GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS PLLLEASE, I'M FREAKING BEGGING YOU TO GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...please :0(

Who Will Be?

I bought the new Building 429 cd today and I LOVE it! There are a couple songs in particular that speak to me alot and two quotes from one of them are in my head right now....
"Everybody needs a friend now and then to come and pick their heart up again, when everything gets shattered, Everybody needs someone to understand, Someone to just come and hold their hand to be there through disaster.."
"You say you don't need anyone but I know when you come undone that you might change your story, I don't know if you're listening but when you feel like giving in, I'm gonna hold you in these arms cause all I am is a word away.."
Reread those quotes from that song! At the end of the song it says that God is there and then goes back to the chorus where he sings on how he wants to be that person, the shoulder to cry on, the person to hold you when you're lonely and never leave you. And it's true, everyone needs someone....and I want to be that someone to someone else..and I also NEED for someone to be that someone to me, but who will be? Who is or will be that person who will remind me that when I lose myself, God will find me? Jesus never fails to drench my heart in love when I really need it...which means he will be sending me his love really soon, not sure in what shape, or form, but I am putting my trust in him for that someone.
-Christianna Denise

The Mix 08' Aftermath

So lately my emotions have been going haywire on me anyways, but The Mix 08' freaking ROCKED me! I've never cried so much, so hard, I've never cried so many different emotions in my life....I'm actually sad that it's over. At first I felt like I wasn't ready to be in charge, I wasn't ready to be a roomleader, or any kind of leader for that matter!....and now where I wish to be is there, and I didn't want to leave!....I'd do it again! I realized how truly broken I still was from things I thought I had let go, until then and keeping my TRUE feelings inside for so long (1 year and 10 years) has left a huge gash in my heart, that is now waiting to be mend back together!...I realized how alone I still felt, how hurt I still was from this 10 year burden....and once I let go I realized that it had created a gash in my heart because of how much it truely effected me and that the gash it left needs to be mend back together. I also felt like I grew up a little too. When I was about 9 or 10 I started hanging out with my mom and her friends more than my own friends, and I became much older at a young age and then completely stopped hanging around with my own friends because I was much more mature mentally then they were...when my mom and her friends would talk about "grown up things" as they called it I would listen and then go to someone later about anything I didn't understand and they'd explain it to me...eventually when I was 11 I didn't have to ask anyone really what these things meant...I already knew. Then fastforward some years and in highschool I kind of tried to unlearn some of the things I knew that I shouldn't have known at such a young age, so I started hanging out with kids younger than me and I started acting younger, instead of acting more my age...and I had been stuck there ever since. I naturally feel more comfortable hanging around with people who are older than me, rather than people who are my age, or younger than me and when I was 9 or 10 I shouldn't have, but now I need to...I need to hang out with people who are older than me and are good examples...so needless to say if you are in your 20 somethings, and I know you, hit me up if you're bored and or just wanna hang!
Father, I thank you that you are a faithful deliverer! Thank you for messing me up this weekend!
-Christianna Denise

Things To Work On

Here a some things I've discovered that I need to work on...If you wanna help me with any of these be my guest, I'd appreciate it!
*Becoming better, learning more, and learning to be more confident with singing
*Reading my bible and being better at praying
*Coming out of my room more often, instead of caging myself up in it!
*Organization- I used to be so good at it, and now I just never know where to start unless it's someone else's things
*Eating healthier and taking vitamins, so that I get sick less this winter...last winter my record for strep was 8 times..and YES I still have my tonsils! But the only thing is I am a super picky eater, and I don't exactly know what it means to eat healthy since my outlook on all food is that every bit of it can make you fat, and even when I eat something healthy I still feel like I shouldn't be eating it and I really wish we didn't have to eat to survive because I still have a strong dislike for food!
*Learning how to catch all of my falling relationships before they completely hit the ground and shatter and growing closer to those who I am close to, to prevent a falling relationship with them!
*Having more faith in everything!

Any contributes will help! Books, advice, 1 on 1 talks, ANYTHING! I'd like to reach all of these goals beyond what I can imagine, and I have much desire to do so!

-Christianna Denise
p.s. I love you!!

Butterfly

When you love someone so much whether it's your friends, or family it's easy to give into fear, fear that they will judge you, or fear that you'll stumble and they'll completely abandon you at all costs, then it's like a butterfly...if you've ever held one you try to keep it in your hands for as long as possible and finally you have to just open your hands and watch it fly away, the same goes for the ones you love, you can teach them and learn from them, but eventually you have to open up your hands and watch them rise...You can still teach them, and learn from them, but opening up your hands to watch them rise just brings better understanding of each other and room to grow closer.

I have learned that true beauty comes from God, that "light" he has placed within us! If that light isn't shining then we are kind of like a horse, the most beautiful ones are the wild ones that run unbridled and the ones that don't slowly lose their spirits. A while ago a friend and I were having a late lunch at Panera just talking and this is what randomly came out of her mouth. She told me that she thinks of me kind of like a butterfly because when she first met me I was kind of like that caterpillar because I was SO shy that I was deathly afraid to come up to her and just say even a simple hello, and I've been through alot in only 19 years of life, and now I was finally in the cacoon, and that she couldn't wait to see what I'd be like when I finally broke out of the cacoon and became a beautiful butterfly. I have taken that to heart...I don't know why but it makes me feel that warm loved feeling inside like we all do during the holidays when we watch all of the holiday movies with happy endings. God and the people we love give us courage to be all that we can and it's up to us to choose to take it to heart or not...if you finally let that butterfly rise to the sun, their hearts lead them back to you when they're ready to land again.

When you see someone you love hurting it's hard to hide that your eyes have been constantly streaming with tears, and it's hard not to let the hurt overtake you. But just as I've said before you have to open up your hands and let them rise, otherwise they'll never know what it's like to fly. We experience everything for a reason, and I believe our experiences make our hearts stronger! How is they're heart supposed to grow stronger if you don't open your hands to watch them rise?

So encourage the people you love. Love them, teach them, cry with them, be that person, open your hands and just watch them become that beautiful butterfly that flies abandondly into the sun, they will be led back to you when they're ready to land. Help them to become beautiful butterflies!
Shoutouts....if you are in my life right now, I don't care if you think you don't matter...you do, more than you know! I love you truely!
-Christianna Denise
p.s. here's the song lyrics!!!



When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise
Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Verse 2

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)
Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun (fly to the sun)
If you should return to me (I will know you're mine)
We truly were meant to be (spread your wings and fly)
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly (my butterfly)
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be (you and I)
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly.

Breaks My Heart

<--That happens to be or at least is supposed to be one of my best friends. I've known her since kindergarden...and she's amazing BUT right now my heart is breaking just looking at this picture, it makes me want to start balling because at the rate we are going right now, if something doesn't get done soon we are both going to end up saying that we USED to be best friends. That's all for now because I'm 100% sure that if I say any more I will cry. Jesus!!!
-Christianna

Someone To Love

I am so excited for when I finally get married and have that relationship and my own family! I am very much so longing for someone to love unconditionally and someone to unconditionally love me. I have so much love to give and to be honest, whoever I marry will be a blessed guy because I want to make him feel like he's the most blessed guy on the planet and that marrying me was never a mistake! But most importantly I want him to set Jesus as his first most important thing and when the other guys are complaining about their wives, I want him to be the real man, the one who stands out without any doubt or fear to say that he's blessed to have me! I want a husband who shows Jesus in everything he does, who amazes me, who can be my best friend, loves every flaw I have, who stays true to his word always with so much faithfulness! I am utterly longing for someone to love and someone who loves me! Jesus, you know what's in my heart....send me that blue-eyed wonder who is SO crazy about you!!...someone to love and love me!
-Christianna Denise

My Future Husband....

Right now my future isn't looking too bright. I always draw attention to the guys who are complete and utter idiots! It's so frustraiting because I want so much better than that! I'm beginning to think that there aren't any better guys out there, and if there isn't then I just won't get married ever....especially if they're like the idiots I've been handling....disgusting pigs, creepers, and disrespectful! I want someone who makes me fall dead on my face when I even think about them, someone who steals my heart in the perfect way, MOST IMPORTANT I want someone who ALWAYS has the lord in their number one spot, I want someone who has so much faith that it inspires me also to walk with so much faith also, I want someone who loves me in the perfect way, I want someone who is beautiful in every way, I want a hottie, and if he could sing and play guitar and completely blow me away with his talent it would make my heart even more complete. I want someone who will not stray from the righteous path god has made for me, but instead someone who will take my hand and run WITH me! What if it was Justin Timberlake...that would be sweet, he's a hottie and can dance and sing!....haha, jk, but seriously I want that perfect guy SO bad! Speaking of dudes named Justin, I really want my future man to agree with Justin marrying us cuz if not then I probably won't agree to marry him, so actually it looks like he has no choice! I don't wanna fricken be 30 and finally getting married....by then I don't even want to get married! My mom is 34 and she's finally starting her life....I don't want to be like that!...but right now I'm not sure I have enough hope to keep dreaming anymore. The days are slowly drifting away, and I'm not getting any younger. When is my life going to start?! What am I supposed to do with my life if I have a passion for nothing but performing?! All I do is dream, but I'm not sure where to start or how to stop. Whoa is me....life....it starts so suddenly but ends too soon!
-Christianna Denise