My "Family"

I can't help but burst with joy and SO much love when just even one thought of them comes in my mind and I wonder what they are up to or if they feel the same way or not or maybe I'm just crazy.... but never have I felt so much love for a family before. I could only WISH that I was related but also have experienced what it the word "family" really means without even being so..but just feeling like I am. Feeling like I belong and am accepted somewhere, no strings attatched. I don't go a day without thinking about them. "Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?"...yes much too often when I am just hanging out with them, whether its laughing at Justin being mean to people on reality tv shows, Amanda and I staying up and having bonding time watching tv and talking after Justin goes to bed, or Javen just walking up to me out of the blue, planting a kiss on my cheek and saying he loves me.. No words are even strong enough, powerful enough, loving enough, thankful enough to describe how I feel. Look at that picture. How could anyone NOT love them! I can't wait until there is 4! I have learned so much and I have so much still to learn.

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

Disorder

This morning I was watching a show on mtv...and it was about these people who have O.C.D. I came to the conclusion that O.C.D. is basically a disorder that holds you captive because of fears....basically for example if you fear something you will do odd things like count each step you take, wash your hands a certain number of times, make a weird noise a certain of times because when you start fearing those things you start feeling overwhelmingly anxious to do SOMETHING to replace the fear you have and make you feel better so doing those things is kind of like a security blanket. I can relate a little bit.
I too have been held captive by my own disorder...I'm getting better..I think..I hope...but anyways. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder...it had gotten so bad that it earned me a one way ticket to the E.R.!! After I got out about a week later I had a doctors appointment to check on how I was doing since my E.R. visit and she basically said that it will always be there but if it gets so bad that it keeps me from doing things I normally do, keeps me up at night and keeps me from maybe coming out of my house that I should get another appointment set up right away and they'd put me on medicine. I was not about to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, but it did get worse. I started staying at home more often, and I HATED driving anywhere but work and home, almost as if I was afraid to go any further. I got about 2hours of sleep a night, and even though I was always completely exsausted I still wouldn't go to bed. Now it's a little better...I am normally always on the go and don't like staying home that much, but on occation I get homesick and stay home...I usually go to bed now around 1-3am but lately I've been going to bed around 11-12 and I wake up around 8. BUT I ALWAYS have panic attacks! At least one everyday because I panic alot when I'm driving. I panic sometimes about the stupidest things...like tonight I fell down the stairs and my pinky was/still is numb...and I'm like what if I broke it? What if I did this or that? What if I die? I know how stupid this may sound to you, you may even be laughing at me right now...but this is such a serious disorder, and sometimes it still holds me captive! No matter how much you can say to not think about "what if's" it's harder than you could imagine because this disorder is all about "what if's" and little worries...but sometimes I feel better when I start panicing I quote that "give your worries to me.." scripture and I feel okay, but it doesn't always work so my last resort is to just wait it out and hopefully I don't like freak out worse and pass out. Needless to say YES I am still working on it....I am refusing to let this stupid "DISORDER" control my life!! I wish that those people with O.C.D. would do the same!!

Busy body

At one point I was sooo busy between cheerleading, dance and tumbling practice and dance competitions, dance team at school, and acting that I was cutting it pretty close with timing...but I had a schedule and I loved it! I can't help but love running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...it's just fun and I enjoy it! Most people hate it, but not me, I am such a GO'ER! I know that was put in me for a reason...but why? Because it sucks at times like now lately when I am LONGING for it! I mean I love it on Mondays that I have to go from work straight to practice...and I love waking up Wednesdays knowing I probably have things waiting for me to do at the church....and I love it on Sundays when I have both church services but serve at one of them then have small group at 3:30 and once a month have leadership meeting to tie into the already busy Sunday. But what about the rest of the days? I obviously work...but I only usually work from 11-4 and that's pretty much it!...(and honestly I feel like I need to be doing something I ENJOY)...like for example..I love making picture/video videos for people and I could spend hours putting together videos..but what if I made my own kind of business out of it and turned it into a side job or something and made videos for like peoples weddings, birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions?...my mom actually suggests this everytime I show her a new video I've made. Well I dunno what I am gong to do about my longing for being a busy body....but I am definately ready for something because I long so badly I don't know what to do with myself anymore. When I tell people that I like to be busy, most of them say things that are negative, and tell me that being a busy body isn't a good thing...but I guess what bothers me the most is that the person is usually someone who doesn't understand me..I wish people understood me better because maybe then I would start to understand myself better. Hmm...this is the beginning of another long journey...
-Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Creation

How many times do we ever thank god for the little things we take for granted that prove his exsistance? How many people REALLY wake up and thank him for another day of the earth's axis, the sunrise, and sunset, or the first snowfall of the year? How about those beautifully colored leaves we get to crunch through in the fall or the smell of freshly bloomed flowers in the spring?? Hardly ever because we aren't supposed to worship creation too much, so we all just COMPLETELY ignore thanking him for them so we DONT worship them too much. BUT in thanking god for his creations aren't you worshipping him not the creation?? On a Saturday night most of us are either out with friends or at home watching tv or on the internet. Most of us on a Sunday are in bed sleeping at 6am. Have you ever thought of giving up that time with friends on Saturday, or on the internet, or giving up that sleep at 6am to worship god and thank him for such wonderful creations?? On Saturday night I could have been out with friends, but I chose to have my own fun, and be different. I went to Vander Veer Park (my favorite place EVER) and I chose a spot in the grass and watched the sun set......




...Then this morning I woke up at 5:30, left the house around 5:40 and headed again to Vander Veer (did I mension I love that place!!?), along with my friend Nicole, to watch the sunrise!...and as the sun peeked over the trees we praised, thanked, and prayed to god.....


.....Just imagine....watching the sunset and sunrise for the purpose of worshipping god....it makes you want to praise the creator SO much more. That moment when you see the sun FIRST peek over the trees, hills and all of the city is SO breathtaking, SO much more beautiful when you do it for the purpose of worshipping god that it brought tears to our eyes!...and right now after experiencing that, it STILL is bringing tears to my eyes just talking about it! THANK YOU GOD! PRAISE JESUS FOR SUCH GLORIOUS, UNFAILING LOVE! The feeling you get in the warmth of your heart and the pit of your stomach is SO UNDESCRIBABLE....that in order to know what I'm talking about I have to CHALLENGE YOU to go do what I did..."..therefore GO"....you will know what I mean, and I PROMISE it's SO MUCH worth losing sleep over! It was such an amazing, overwhelming feeling! Have you thanked god for another day on earth lately?? I challenge YOU this week to "GO"...do something you've been wanting to do, think of a new way to worship god and thank him for his creation!
-Christianna Denise Crosby

Beautiful

Another song lyric inpirated note....

We are all born different for a reason, and even identical twins have something about them that is different! Sometimes I think the world and life around us makes our view of beautiful think only about what is on the outside, so we cover our faces with make up to cover our little flaws.Why should we cover our little flaws with makeup? We are made beautifully by such a wonderous creator, when I say someone is beautiful I think of not just the outside, but MOSTLY the inside because it's your soul that counts the most! The world definately pushes many young girls and some males into such things as eating disorders because they are crying out and nobody hears them and they need someone to extend their hand to them so they can grab it and hang onto it, so that THAT someone can tell them that their outsides don't count, and that they are made beautiful by what created them, and as they are dying for new life they might find it if someone were to be that extended hand! We all want to be thought of as beautiful, we want someone to look at us in awe because they've looked into our hearts and been amazed at what they see in it, we want who we are to be enough for someone to be worthy of their love. Sometimes we all wish we were someone other than ourselves, and if you're a Christian you still know that you were made beautiful but it isn't enough so you still wish you were someone else. We all fight to make the mirror happy, we spend hours on our hair and make up, and picking out fashionable clothing...we spend countless hours trying to find what we think is missing to complete us physically but really what we are missing is the glory of god! It is so hard for me to read that and type that right now because just as I am typing that, I am having this exact problem, and it seems that I cannot shake it, my body image consumes my mind and it's horrible! But I will say that I cannot wait for that moment when it finally hits me and I realize truely that our lord and savior made me beautiful, and how beautiful he is makes me stand in awe, he is in our hearts and it makes me amazed to think about it....and most of all the one person we can always count on is him because he'll always think of us as beautiful because who we are is enough for him, he makes us worthy of love and beautiful! And right now as I sit here thinking about what just came out of me, I'm thinking that I really wish I could take my own advice, I just don't know how. Without further adue..here are the lyrics to that song!
-Christianna Denise

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful