Do Not Worry (Luke 12:22-24)

.. okay read until the end.. I do have a point to this story.. Lately, life has been pretty much a nonstop rollercoaster ride, and due to the rollercoaster ride's many loops, twists, and turns my emotions have taken a pretty bumpy ride also.. but HEY I'm not complaining because I know and see that God is moving and thriving in every bit of our lives and am beginning to come to an understanding of the fact that when you ask Him to take your life, you better be ready because you never know what plans He has for you!! All this craziness has had me worrying about many things, big and small, which if you don't know worrying is the underlying cause of this fabulous "disorder" I have, Panic/Anxiety Disorder.. and I'm pretty sure that I LITERALLY worry myself sick.. just got over a not so slight case of bronchitis a few weeks ago, then something else happened and BAM.. here I am, I've had this dumb cough for a week now, and it's definitely not getting better, if anything, it has gotten worse, I can barely make it 2 minutes without hacking, my throat is sore, my stomach feels like it does after I vomit water, my ribs are quite sore and I have completely lost my appetite.. BUT this morning I swear I saw God in the eyes of a woman in drive thru around 7am.. This morning I woke up around 5:20, got ready for work, then headed out the door to clean off my car windows and head to work.. when I pulled into the parking lot at work I noticed that I had forgot to pack something to eat for break and my immediate thought was "Crap, how am I gonna eat on break? I can't go to the bank and I don't have any extra cash on me!".. then I decided that I'd just let it go and not worry about it because I could just wait and eat after I got off anyways. Drive thru was WAY busy today, filled with black friday shoppers, many whom still seemed to be wearing their black friday game faces (in other words they were mean and rude).. but around 7am this one particular woman pulls up to my window with a huge smile on her face, as I opened my window here was our conversation..
Her-"Wow, I bet you guys are busy this morning?"
Me-"Yeah, it's been insane this morning!"
Her-"How are you? Have people been cranky this morning?"
Me-"I'm alright, Yeah people have been so mean and rude this morning!"
Her-"Well thank you for your smile and for your service.. here's the money, and here is a tip for you, you deserve it!"
Me-"Thank you SO much!"

.. at that moment I swear I caught a glimpse of Jesus in her eyes and immediately I thought of this verse.. "..I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than birds!"-Luke 12:22-24

I have read this verse over and over and over and OVER, trying to pound it into my brain whenever I start to worry really bad or start to have a panic attack and it just never worked, but today I saw this verse literally come to life before my eyes!!.. and ironically EVERYTHING about that verse describes some of my biggest issues I've had in the past, but more importantly some of my biggest issues that have seemed to be creeping back into my life slowly within the past few months and recently started almost getting bad again!.. but this was just the icing on top of the cake when it comes to seeing these words become life to me.. the managers ended up completely accidentally forgetting to give me a break, and again I was not worried about it one bit, but since they forgot to give me a break, they gave me a free meal after I got off of work! To you it may seems small, but to ME, that was huge and I definitely without a doubt saw God's word come to life before my eyes!
Thank you God, for always being faithful, for this amazing day, for my body that is being healed by your hands at this very second, for breath and life that you put in me!

A Father's Love

"I'm found in the arms of love, Your love it has saved my soul, I'll run to your arms of love..."

From what I understand, or from what I have seen and been shown by watching others... a father's love is one of a kind, precious, protective, forgiving, strong holding, forever lasting, never giving up, sometimes giving in easily. He is the person who allows their child to run back into his arms no matter how old he or she is, the one who wipes the tears and then threatens whatever made his child cry.. a father's love is something that a lot of people mess their lives up trying to find to fill the hole that their non-exsistant or abusive or panzy father has left.. something every person deserves to understand, to feel, and to have. As I walk along this path less traveled by, I wonder how different I would be, had I felt or experienced this kind of love. Would it have been easier or harder for me to accept God into my life? Would I still be filled with jealousy when I see an amazing father loving his child? Would I still be the same person? How would it have changed my veiws of things? Ya know, sometimes I feel so much like a parentless child... but then as I sit here listening to this song, tears begin to fall as I close my eyes and my imagination runs wild.. God the Father of the fatherless is holding out his arms towards me as I run to him with tears falling down my face and finally I find comfort as he is holding me in his arms.. this is a father's love.. this must be what it feels like but I will never know, I can only hope to truly understand one day.

-Beautifully Broken

Beautiful, Unexplainable and God-Sent

A picture can tell a thousand words. Often as I'm glancing through my facebook I see this picture, and each time I see it the same exact thing happens: It catches my eye, I click on it, and stare at it as a thousand thoughts flood my mind about friendship and I start tearing up. It isn't very often we catch these little candid moments on camera, and when we do.. they are just so amazingly beautiful that you can't help but tear up at the sight of it's beauty and the meaning of what it brings to mind.
Friendship. Friends are a creation that I am more than often unbelievably thankful for. Friendship means being there when things are tough, and at the same time being honest when things aren't right. Friendship is late night heart to hearts and laughter so hard that you swear you are gaining abs because you just can't stop laughing so hard. Friendship is happiness and JOY! "...so one friend sharpens another".. and that's how it should be. Friendship is the willingness to put your life on the line for your friend in danger. Friendship is BEAUTIFUL! This picture tells me a thousand words. This picture is a PERFECT captured moment that shows so much beauty. The beauty of amazing, unexplainable, intimate, BEAUTIFUL friendship. "I am lost for more to say".. beautiful.

What is friendship to you? What is your favorite captured, candid moment??

Miracle Babies: Story #1

So I am starting a new blog series and as you see it's called "Miracle Babies" and to each series there will be pictures at the end. Children are a gift from God, each born with their own purpose specially made by our unexplainable amazing creator! This first story just blew me away and touched my heart when I read it!..

21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who was being operated on by a surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse i

n Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile. The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope."

The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person." Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.

The Expecting..

I was at my 2nd house today and there was a book on the table about childbirth and how this woman had 3 kids without ANY pain at all! Well, Amanda IS pregnant, so I have looked at the cover of that book everytime I'm over there and see it out, just wondering what it says inside, so today I decided to pick it up and start reading it and I couldn't put it down (for me this is RARE because I strongly dislike reading)! There is something about childbearing that draws me in, something about it the facinates me and catches all of my attention! I will walk by an expecting mother at the store, or see one while I'm working the drive thru window and my mind just starts racing and so many questions fill my mind.. I wish I could feel her belly..Is the baby moving? I wonder how it feels to know that there is a little life in there? I wonder how it feels to feel that baby kick for the first time, feel it move, hear it's heartbeat, or see it on an ultra sound? I wonder what kind of things she is experiencing? Is she excited or scared? Is she happy or was she unexpecting to be expecting?.. there are so many things that I often sit there and wonder about for hours at a time. It so surreal to think that one day I will be the woman who is expecting. I have NO doubt AT ALL on my mind that one day I will be the one who is the expecting mother and all of the things I wonder about will be put to rest. I can't WAIT to experience childbearing! Often I worry a little that I won't be able to bear a child, but I BELIEVE that I will because I feel that right now I am practicing and developing my parenting skills. God has his hand on my life, and he knows that being a wife and being a mother is one of the biggest things on my heart (I'm talking top 2). I dunno how you feel about it, but this is how I feel. It is SO beautiful looking at an expecting mother, to me she GLOWS radiantly and thinking that she is holding a little life in her belly, a HUMAN LIFE, another soul that God has the chance to pour his presence on and another soul that could change the world.. is simply indescribable! What an amazing God we have!

My "Family"

I can't help but burst with joy and SO much love when just even one thought of them comes in my mind and I wonder what they are up to or if they feel the same way or not or maybe I'm just crazy.... but never have I felt so much love for a family before. I could only WISH that I was related but also have experienced what it the word "family" really means without even being so..but just feeling like I am. Feeling like I belong and am accepted somewhere, no strings attatched. I don't go a day without thinking about them. "Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?"...yes much too often when I am just hanging out with them, whether its laughing at Justin being mean to people on reality tv shows, Amanda and I staying up and having bonding time watching tv and talking after Justin goes to bed, or Javen just walking up to me out of the blue, planting a kiss on my cheek and saying he loves me.. No words are even strong enough, powerful enough, loving enough, thankful enough to describe how I feel. Look at that picture. How could anyone NOT love them! I can't wait until there is 4! I have learned so much and I have so much still to learn.

Wishing, Dreaming, Hoping..

My ultimate dream (besides becoming an awesome wife and mommy) is to help lead worship in front of hundreds and someday millions of followers of Christ and helping lead unbelievers to the love of Jesus using the gift God gave me! Yesterday I was worshipping and for a few minutes I opened my eyes and looked at our worship team and thought "look at how beautiful they all are!"..I think that a person is the most beautiful when they are worshipping God..and last night I saw the face of God when I looked at each of them and it was unbelievably beautiful and I could tell that God was the center of where they were..up there helping lead people to Christ! Since everything changed with the band and have gone from New Wine to Surrender, I've given up on the gift/gifts I was given because I felt discouraged, not equal, and not good enough..but I know that it's where I truely belong because it's where my heart has always been..and I feel as though I left part of it right there on that stage! Dear Jesus, I wishing, dreaming, and hoping to be where I feel God has intended me to be! I've ran from a million things that have never come back to me..but this...keeps crawling its way back into my heart!
-Hopeful Dreamer

A Love-Driven Heart

I owe my life to the God above who has me under his wings. I am love-driven. Wherever I am love follows and leaves a trail. I always love with everything in me and never say I love you without meaning it whole-heartedly with everything in me! I believe that the words "I love you" are the strongest most intimate words you can say to a person. I communicate through love and encouragement and nothing means more to me than a meaningful unexpected 'i love you' and a huge or kiss on the cheek or forehead and nothing hurts me more than feeling unloved and unloving words and actions against me. I fear a lot of things but what I fear most is losing the people I'm closest to because I lost 2 of the best friends I could have, my Daddy and my Granny, so I try to let the people I'm closest to always know how much I care and love them because we often take life for granted and forget that we never know what could happen because in the end God has all the power. My heart is often overwhelmed with so much love for my friends and family even though sometimes I feel that they don't feel the same way about me. I concider my closest friends my family and without them I'm nothing because the teach me what it means to truely love. I am undeserving of such wonderful people in my life but I am glad God thought that I deserved them!!..so since they were a gift to me I give back willingly in return and enjoy every bit of it. I enjoy every bit of having a giving heart. I give out of love and find joy in it. I am love-driven by my passions/dreams, the people I care most about, I am love-driven by God and the purpose he has for me.
-Christianna Denise

p.s. Any comments? Any thing ya wanna say? I'm listening..so speak..please.

King Of Pop

So, it's barely believable that Michael Jackson is dead. It's crazy.. seems like just yesterday I was watching him and Britney on tv performing The Way You Make Me Feel the same exact year that I was using that song for my dane competition song and won 1st place! So in honor of the King Of Pop..I wrote this letter to say goodbye to a man who did more than just live up to the name he gained.. King of Pop.

Mr. King Of Pop-

Its such a Thriller that you're really gone! I can barely believe it. BUT this is the perfect time to let you know The Way You Make Me Feel. Your music and talent has inspired many, including myself who competed and placed 1st in dance competitions 3yrs in a row to your songs. You sure taught many people the ABC's of the dance floor and made millions of people just wanna get outta their seats and shake their booty! Most of all you taught us that We Are The World and although people had their doubts and rumors about you, only you knew what was really true and I hope you looked at the Man In The Mirror every day and liked the man you saw. I hope you knew how Dangerous it is to not know that we have a forgiving God. We all know that Billy Jean was not your lover... but I hope Jesus was, and to sum it all up I'd like you to know that You Rock My World..you rocked millions of peoples worlds! RIP Mr. Michael Jackson!

-Christianna Denise

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

God and Sea Hearts

That...is something called a sea heart. They are found on exotic islands. The sea forms these stones and they wash up on shore. I think this is so cool and interesting because God is love...and we symbolize love most of the time with hearts. It reminds me that...God created this entire earth with his own hands...every little speck, every little atom. every little stone...he made specially with every bit of love he has...which is everything he is. what he stands for. Love.

-Beautiful Disaster

Testing Faith

Okay the past few days have been anything but good...car issues, which need to be solved soon but aren't guarunteed to be...and the new developements in these issues today...phone issues (good luck getting ahold of me unless I'm on facebook at Panera or at church), and losing my voice (my job happens to offer the best health insurance..psht!)....perfect. Either my faith is majorly being tested, or my patience is just wearing thin and missing...well speaking of missing something..I'm STILL missing my bible...hmm maybe that could be the issue?...ha yeah right, I'm kidding myself...but I NEED it at this point...yes NEED!! I honestly don't know how I'm gonna solve any of these issues....they all have to do with that stupid paper green stuff...which I have none of....but whatever...God chose..the perfect timing for all of this..so maybe he will choose the perfect timing to bring me a freaking solution!...Porkies...just ain't cutting it....AT ALL! Oh the joys of being an adult...God is growing me....I'd rather grow back down now. Pretty much at the point where I'm BEGGING Jesus to come back NOW..even though I'm honestly not sure whether I'd go to heaven or hell...
-No longer beautiful...but a Disaster for sure

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster

I wanna be...

If you know me, you know that I always stay up rediculously late. Well this morning around 1a.m. I got a text from a friend telling me she got locked outta her house and didn't know where she was gonna go but I didn't get the text till 3 when I checked my phone. When I called her, her phone was dieing and she was running out of gas...After much effort she finally let me pick her up..so this morning at 3a.m. I set out to Davenport to help a very good friend (if you don't know I live in MoTowN!). I didn't get home till about 4a.m....but I don't care because her safety matters to me more than me getting enough sleep! Thank you God for technology because without it I'm sure she would probably be stranded somewhere!

This is who I long to be-I wanna be someone who is remembered by the little things I do
I wanna be the girl who can always make someone else's day even if I can't make my own
I want to be more than just a pretty face (even if I disagree with anyone that I am)
I want to make a difference
I wanna be okay and
I want to matter.

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

A Place In This World

I've been searching to find my place in this world for quite sometime. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, where I'm supposed to be, or where my future is even headed...all I know is that I want my own family, a husband, kids, and I already have great friends. Although I have great friends, and I make sure to tell them all as much as I can how much I really do love them (undescribably so), even though I have them, sometimes I still walk around feeling like I don't fit in, like I'm not accepted, wearing my heart on my sleeve, like something is missing...in my heart I know I feel somethings missing....a place in this world. Lately I've had the strongest calling to the city of Davenport and I've always said that I wanted to move away to a BIG city like Chicago, or New York, L.A. because of the opportunities I could have...but I know that I would just be so much more alone than I am now and I wouldn't be able to move so far away from my friends. I really wanna move to Davenport, live there, and work there. Could that be my place in this world? I know that I know that I KNOW that God didn't set me on this world without a purpose...everyone has a purpose! But I don't know what it is....and I know I know I know pray and ask God for an answer...is it bad of me to say that sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough? Probably. I honestly don't feel called at all to go back to college...I didn't feel called to it in the first place, I'm not smart...but if I don't then my entire family will look down on me, or maybe they already do cuz they sure do forget about me alot.

God, I just want to find my place...where do I belong? GOD PLEASE DIRECT ME SOMEWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BLACK HOLE...help...please?
-Lost Seeking Soul

Disorder

This morning I was watching a show on mtv...and it was about these people who have O.C.D. I came to the conclusion that O.C.D. is basically a disorder that holds you captive because of fears....basically for example if you fear something you will do odd things like count each step you take, wash your hands a certain number of times, make a weird noise a certain of times because when you start fearing those things you start feeling overwhelmingly anxious to do SOMETHING to replace the fear you have and make you feel better so doing those things is kind of like a security blanket. I can relate a little bit.
I too have been held captive by my own disorder...I'm getting better..I think..I hope...but anyways. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder...it had gotten so bad that it earned me a one way ticket to the E.R.!! After I got out about a week later I had a doctors appointment to check on how I was doing since my E.R. visit and she basically said that it will always be there but if it gets so bad that it keeps me from doing things I normally do, keeps me up at night and keeps me from maybe coming out of my house that I should get another appointment set up right away and they'd put me on medicine. I was not about to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, but it did get worse. I started staying at home more often, and I HATED driving anywhere but work and home, almost as if I was afraid to go any further. I got about 2hours of sleep a night, and even though I was always completely exsausted I still wouldn't go to bed. Now it's a little better...I am normally always on the go and don't like staying home that much, but on occation I get homesick and stay home...I usually go to bed now around 1-3am but lately I've been going to bed around 11-12 and I wake up around 8. BUT I ALWAYS have panic attacks! At least one everyday because I panic alot when I'm driving. I panic sometimes about the stupidest things...like tonight I fell down the stairs and my pinky was/still is numb...and I'm like what if I broke it? What if I did this or that? What if I die? I know how stupid this may sound to you, you may even be laughing at me right now...but this is such a serious disorder, and sometimes it still holds me captive! No matter how much you can say to not think about "what if's" it's harder than you could imagine because this disorder is all about "what if's" and little worries...but sometimes I feel better when I start panicing I quote that "give your worries to me.." scripture and I feel okay, but it doesn't always work so my last resort is to just wait it out and hopefully I don't like freak out worse and pass out. Needless to say YES I am still working on it....I am refusing to let this stupid "DISORDER" control my life!! I wish that those people with O.C.D. would do the same!!