One of my strongest love languages..

A simple cheek or forehead kiss can mean so much to a person even though to you it may feel like nothing or like just a breath of air. Reassurance, a heart-felt "I love you, friend", "I care", or "I'm here for you" and so much more, even the most simple kiss can mean all of these things. Something that may seem so simple to you might mean the world to another person without you even knowing it! I miss out. If I could ask for anything in the entire world right now, ANYTHING, not excluding actual store bought items, I'd ask for the kind of reassuring, heart-felt kiss that my Daddy gave me the day before he died. Love like this is PRICELESS!... beautiful.

-Beautiful Disaster

The Expecting..

I was at my 2nd house today and there was a book on the table about childbirth and how this woman had 3 kids without ANY pain at all! Well, Amanda IS pregnant, so I have looked at the cover of that book everytime I'm over there and see it out, just wondering what it says inside, so today I decided to pick it up and start reading it and I couldn't put it down (for me this is RARE because I strongly dislike reading)! There is something about childbearing that draws me in, something about it the facinates me and catches all of my attention! I will walk by an expecting mother at the store, or see one while I'm working the drive thru window and my mind just starts racing and so many questions fill my mind.. I wish I could feel her belly..Is the baby moving? I wonder how it feels to know that there is a little life in there? I wonder how it feels to feel that baby kick for the first time, feel it move, hear it's heartbeat, or see it on an ultra sound? I wonder what kind of things she is experiencing? Is she excited or scared? Is she happy or was she unexpecting to be expecting?.. there are so many things that I often sit there and wonder about for hours at a time. It so surreal to think that one day I will be the woman who is expecting. I have NO doubt AT ALL on my mind that one day I will be the one who is the expecting mother and all of the things I wonder about will be put to rest. I can't WAIT to experience childbearing! Often I worry a little that I won't be able to bear a child, but I BELIEVE that I will because I feel that right now I am practicing and developing my parenting skills. God has his hand on my life, and he knows that being a wife and being a mother is one of the biggest things on my heart (I'm talking top 2). I dunno how you feel about it, but this is how I feel. It is SO beautiful looking at an expecting mother, to me she GLOWS radiantly and thinking that she is holding a little life in her belly, a HUMAN LIFE, another soul that God has the chance to pour his presence on and another soul that could change the world.. is simply indescribable! What an amazing God we have!

A Love-Driven Heart

I owe my life to the God above who has me under his wings. I am love-driven. Wherever I am love follows and leaves a trail. I always love with everything in me and never say I love you without meaning it whole-heartedly with everything in me! I believe that the words "I love you" are the strongest most intimate words you can say to a person. I communicate through love and encouragement and nothing means more to me than a meaningful unexpected 'i love you' and a huge or kiss on the cheek or forehead and nothing hurts me more than feeling unloved and unloving words and actions against me. I fear a lot of things but what I fear most is losing the people I'm closest to because I lost 2 of the best friends I could have, my Daddy and my Granny, so I try to let the people I'm closest to always know how much I care and love them because we often take life for granted and forget that we never know what could happen because in the end God has all the power. My heart is often overwhelmed with so much love for my friends and family even though sometimes I feel that they don't feel the same way about me. I concider my closest friends my family and without them I'm nothing because the teach me what it means to truely love. I am undeserving of such wonderful people in my life but I am glad God thought that I deserved them!!..so since they were a gift to me I give back willingly in return and enjoy every bit of it. I enjoy every bit of having a giving heart. I give out of love and find joy in it. I am love-driven by my passions/dreams, the people I care most about, I am love-driven by God and the purpose he has for me.
-Christianna Denise

p.s. Any comments? Any thing ya wanna say? I'm listening..so speak..please.

King Of Pop

So, it's barely believable that Michael Jackson is dead. It's crazy.. seems like just yesterday I was watching him and Britney on tv performing The Way You Make Me Feel the same exact year that I was using that song for my dane competition song and won 1st place! So in honor of the King Of Pop..I wrote this letter to say goodbye to a man who did more than just live up to the name he gained.. King of Pop.

Mr. King Of Pop-

Its such a Thriller that you're really gone! I can barely believe it. BUT this is the perfect time to let you know The Way You Make Me Feel. Your music and talent has inspired many, including myself who competed and placed 1st in dance competitions 3yrs in a row to your songs. You sure taught many people the ABC's of the dance floor and made millions of people just wanna get outta their seats and shake their booty! Most of all you taught us that We Are The World and although people had their doubts and rumors about you, only you knew what was really true and I hope you looked at the Man In The Mirror every day and liked the man you saw. I hope you knew how Dangerous it is to not know that we have a forgiving God. We all know that Billy Jean was not your lover... but I hope Jesus was, and to sum it all up I'd like you to know that You Rock My World..you rocked millions of peoples worlds! RIP Mr. Michael Jackson!

-Christianna Denise

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree

Beaches

So yesterday I was looking through old things and watched a video I made last summer for a friend...and after it was over I realized that last summer for me was a summer of new friendship. Then I got to thinking about the possibilities of this summer and so far...I don't know the possibilities..possibilites for any kind of life this summer is looking pretty slim...I'd like it to include a plane ride to somewhere warm....and a beach! I'd LOVE to go to the beach..SO...MUCH!! I've never been to the beach...but I'd love to spend a day at the beach and watch the sun set with one or more true friends or even take a girls trip to a beach somewhere! I want to go to the beach so badly that it has created ALOT of jealousy towards all of the people going to Florida for a wedding this week...*sigh* someday I will get to set eyes on a beach...and it will be a dream come true for me! Life goal list item: Visit a beach and watch the sun set..or rise!

-Wishfully Waiting

Testing Faith

Okay the past few days have been anything but good...car issues, which need to be solved soon but aren't guarunteed to be...and the new developements in these issues today...phone issues (good luck getting ahold of me unless I'm on facebook at Panera or at church), and losing my voice (my job happens to offer the best health insurance..psht!)....perfect. Either my faith is majorly being tested, or my patience is just wearing thin and missing...well speaking of missing something..I'm STILL missing my bible...hmm maybe that could be the issue?...ha yeah right, I'm kidding myself...but I NEED it at this point...yes NEED!! I honestly don't know how I'm gonna solve any of these issues....they all have to do with that stupid paper green stuff...which I have none of....but whatever...God chose..the perfect timing for all of this..so maybe he will choose the perfect timing to bring me a freaking solution!...Porkies...just ain't cutting it....AT ALL! Oh the joys of being an adult...God is growing me....I'd rather grow back down now. Pretty much at the point where I'm BEGGING Jesus to come back NOW..even though I'm honestly not sure whether I'd go to heaven or hell...
-No longer beautiful...but a Disaster for sure

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster

Cold Night

So I was on my way home tonight from the home of a family who have helped me grow so much, and inspire me to thirst for God, and want so much more out of life...so as I was driving I was thinking about how much the LITTLE things matter to me, a smile, laughter, and the happiness they show that has rubbed off on their sweet little one and as my heart was warmed by their beautiful little guy, lyrics started just FLOWING to my mind and I couldn't help but come home, write them down, and perfect them. The song is called Cold Night...here are the lyrics..the part inside of the brackets is the bridge. P.S. Please DON'T steal my lyrics unless 1) You are the family who inspired the song or 2) You get my permission

Cold Night

I wanna cuddle
Just wanna hold you tight
That sweet little smile
Just makes me cry
Knowing God sent you here
warms my heart
Being without you
Would tear me apart

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

You are so precious
When I hear your call
Much more beautiful
Than the First snowfall
Tiny hands tiny Feet
Tiny little nose
You're so beautiful to me
Someday I hope you know

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

{-You are proof that the little things matter
The way you say hello, and goodbye
You're tiny but that big personality
Brings tears to my eyes-}

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)

Yeah It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
You make me so warm (so warm)
On this cold night
Yeah on this cold night
Cold night

© Christianna Crosby December 2008

Big Steel Gates Part 3: Behind Closed Doors

Like I said in part 1...I kind of have a big steel gate built around who I really am, and what has shaped me to be the way I am, and not very many people know my complete true heart..some may know half but I tend to leave the other half unsaid for them to find themselves, if I want them to..for some people I open up kinda quickly and others it takes time and patience. But here's another inside scoop on me.
The statement on the picture says "Tears are words the heart can't say"...and I have come to notice how true that is! When I was 10 I moved to a different school and had to make new friends (for the 3rd time) and I used to get made fun of alot because I wore glasses and I always wore my hair in a braid, so they would call me names like brady bunch, or just some stupid childish names..I never really said anything back to them to defend myself, I just kinda completely shut them out and ignored them even though sometimes the taunting got so bad that they were in my face SCREAMING threats, and calling me names, pushing me, shoving me, breaking the things that belonged to me....there may have been a couple times when I've did something just as mean back to them, but other than that I either ignored it or just looked them in the eye with a smile on my face and walked away, I always though I'd ...but the truth is I would go home everyday, go in my room, and just ball...but then I would go back to school the next day and put my tough mask on again and pretend that they never even hurt me. Those same people taunted me all through junior high also..finally in 8th grade at the end of the year we had a talent show, I tried out, made it, and did a dance solo on stage in my dance outfit and after that none of them ever picked on me again and wanted to befriend me all of a sudden...to this day I can still remember that dance! But as I sit and think about it now and think about that statement on the picture above..yeah I cried because what they said hurt my feelings, but it was a much deeper feeling that I cannot explain and because I couldn't really explain what that feeling was all I could do was cry. Not very many people have seen me cry, I hate crying in front of people makes me feel guilty and ashamed, I'm more of a cry behind closed doors kind of person, but when I cannot hold my tears back and allow myself to cry in front of someone usually it means that something really is wrong. To end this post...it's been a long road getting to where I am at, and sometimes I may show joy, and happiness..but you just never know what's going on and what's happening behind the steel gates closed doors! Have you ever built a gate around who you truely are? What kind of things are behind YOUR big steel gate?

Big Steel Gates Part 2: So small, SO BIG!

It's so funny how something so small can be SO BIG in life, happiness, joy, love and make you love more than you ever thought possible. Something that can bring happy tears to your eyes so much because it just reminds you of how BIG God is, and how much MORE he loves us! A year ago if you would have asked me if I planned to have kids when I was older...I woulda told you yes but only one, and I didn't want a boy...and I was probably going to adopt it as opposed to having it the natural way. God did a big thing for me when he brought me to The Rock and introduced me to this little guy...and his family! I have always loved kids...I actually started looking after and helping taking care of my aunt's little girl and boy since I was about 10 or 11 and I changed their diapers, gave them baths, fed them, played with them, all of the things you should know how to do when you're taking care of a child....and when I was little house used to be my favorite game...most little girls you know always want to play the baby, but I ALWAYS loved to play the mommy....but even tho I love kids I still woulda told you that I only wanted ONE. When I got introduced to this church, this family, and this ONE little boy..all of that CHANGED for me. Now if you asked me how many kids I want, I will more than likely tell you 4 at the most and 2 at the least because I want one girl and one boy at least..and that I can't wait to have my own family and hopefully raise my kids in a happy Christian home....and I am still pondering that thought of having them myself (its a start cuz before I wouldn't have even pondered the thought before moving on to adoption)...but I KNOW I DO want to adopt AT LEAST one of my kids!! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much, I never knew that I could love someone so much, feel so much, feel so important! I NEVER knew that someone SO small, could be SO BIG!...before God brought me here, to this city, this church, this family, and this little boy. <3
-Na Na

Tears

I was thinking about this just a minute ago. It seems like as you get older, your tears fall faster, harder, and more fall...literally. When I was younger I really don't think that my tears fell as fast as they do now, or in as much quantity either. Like the older we get, we cry differently. Is it because we've experienced heartache more? I just wonder why. I've learned to be a silent cryer so that it's easier to hide because I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness....I certainly don't think so, but it makes me feel guilty so I still hide it...unless of course I'm sleeping and don't realize I am because I tend to cry in my sleep...oops! I have SUCH a hard time controlling my emotions...I always have....I mean u may think but it's so easy all you have to do is.....no it doesn't really work that way with me and I've tried to control them but I end up giving up because they seem to over power me even tho I am way bigger! I never know where to start...my emotions is just something you have to see and experience because it's just unexplainable really. Where do I start to begin taking control of my emotions? I am really sick of tears...my eyes burn
-Christianna Denise

A Healthy Reminder

Yesterday I watched a movie called Wall-E...I was expecting one of those awww how cute kind of kids movies...and it was but I also realized that there was MORE to that movie than just a cute kids character!...and it kind of opened my eyes a little bit! Austin has inspired this post with his recent post. So anyways here is why this movie opened my eyes...The plot...Wall-E is a little trash compacter, and every day he goes out compacts trash and he makes skyscrapers out of the trash squares that he compacts. Wall-E and his little cockroach friend are the only ones left on earth because us humans didn't take care of the earth and there was so much waste on the earth that we could no longer live here, it was so bad that NO life form even exsisted on the earth anymore! Not grass, not trees NOTHING, there was only a bunch of waste, trash, garbage, and dirt! Since us humans couldn't live on the earth anymore we moved out to space and we lived in this HUGE space shuttle like thing and we were all fat, so fat that we couldn't even walk, NO ONE was skinny at all because technology advanced so much that the robots did EVERYTHING for us...brushed our teeth, our hair, dressed us, helped us get places...everything. So then I started really thinking about the plot...When we throw things in the garbage and the garbage man takes it, where does it go? To a big landfield type thing....so really eventually those landfields are going to be full, then where are they gonna put the trash?...evenutally the earth could look like that if we do not take care of it. I have decided I am going to research and study about going green, then I'm gonna do it! All of you may be sick of people telling u to go green BUT it is SO very important and you don't even realize it! Please research and study going green with me and then get as many people as possible to go green with you!!

It Takes Talent

I am not really all that sure what my talents are yet...I'm still playing around a bit with the things I know I 100% never get bored of doing and do pretty much 24/7. I know that I love to sing, and dance, and do the whole performance thing....but I don't know if I'm any good at it, I just like to do it, and am not ashamed of it. I am constantly thinking "I wish I was better at it" "I wish I sang as good as this person or that person" "I wish I danced as good as this person" "I wish I could amaze people like this person, or that person" "I wish I was so good at something that I make someone's heart melt every time I do that" "I wish I had an amazing opportunity to share what I love to do"....it takes talent. If I didn't doubt myself all the time, or allow myself to get let down I might be more sure of myself and I wouldn't think "Oh I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, I'm not good enough, ect". But the truth is, we are all good at different things, and some people are better at things than others...are we ever good enough? Are we as humans ever good enough to do this, that or the other thing? Maybe, maybe not....but I do know that we ARE good enough to receive the unexplainable love of Jesus...and that's all that should matter...but why is it never enough? That should be enough!! WHY ISN'T IT?! WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL I AM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT TO BE BETTER AT SINGING, DANCING, ACTING, MODELING, OR WHATEVER IT IS?! WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT SO MUCH TO BE BETTER, OR TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW YOU CAN DO IT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON?! THE LOVE OF JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD, JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS...THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!! I don't understand why I have to dig so so so deep into things when I get the teeniest chance at taking the smallest shovel to the dirt! Father God, please I pray with as much passion as possible that you can show me PATIENCE, and show me somehow that your love, Jesus' love is ENOUGH...and it's all I need because nothing else will ever make me as happy as knowing that you truly made me a new creation, and that I can't find that kind of love, and acceptance anywhere else!

Who Will Be?

I bought the new Building 429 cd today and I LOVE it! There are a couple songs in particular that speak to me alot and two quotes from one of them are in my head right now....
"Everybody needs a friend now and then to come and pick their heart up again, when everything gets shattered, Everybody needs someone to understand, Someone to just come and hold their hand to be there through disaster.."
"You say you don't need anyone but I know when you come undone that you might change your story, I don't know if you're listening but when you feel like giving in, I'm gonna hold you in these arms cause all I am is a word away.."
Reread those quotes from that song! At the end of the song it says that God is there and then goes back to the chorus where he sings on how he wants to be that person, the shoulder to cry on, the person to hold you when you're lonely and never leave you. And it's true, everyone needs someone....and I want to be that someone to someone else..and I also NEED for someone to be that someone to me, but who will be? Who is or will be that person who will remind me that when I lose myself, God will find me? Jesus never fails to drench my heart in love when I really need it...which means he will be sending me his love really soon, not sure in what shape, or form, but I am putting my trust in him for that someone.
-Christianna Denise

I Believe Always My Savior Never Fails!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you don't have to take even a second to think about it before you say it was truly a God moment? Don't those moments just touch your heart? The other day I was cleaning and all of a sudden out of nowhere my Grandma came to my mind and literally 5 seconds later she called my cell....it was such a wierd feeling when I thought of her out of the blue and then she called my phone. My heart is just so DRENCHED in love right now that it's overwhelming!...but also is so broken and hurt! Sometimes I feel like my heart is floating in the air looking for a place to rest, my heart is so overwhelmingly drenched in his love right now because my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Nicole and I took my Grandma to the mall yesterday and it was the most stressful and most sad thing that I've seen lately! Since she has cancer she is on some pill that makes her kinda loopy and just not all there...and she kept repeating herself, she walked out the door when Nicole and I weren't looking and was looking for Walgreens even though 5 mins before that we already told her it wasn't around there, then when we went to the food court to get food she went to one place and paid for food then walked off before she even got her food at that place and went and got food somewhere else and didn't even get her money back, she just walked away! The last time Nicole saw her she was her normal self and she didn't expect that, at all and she thought she was getting alztimers or something then I told her it was the medication she was on. Then today I remembered the song and story that the lead singer from Building 429 told us/sang us at the concert I went to with Cassie, and he told us about a lady who lost her 3yr old son because he got murdered by her exhusband and that he couldn't sleep one night and wrote this song Always and that lady's story reminded him of his own pain when his dad left him and his mom...and I also relate to the song with my own stories of my past, and my dad, and my now my Granny....then he told us that God knows our pain and his promise remains that he'll always be with us and he will NEVER fail to keep his word even when we feel there is no hope left, He's there. Thank you God, for never failing, and that you are a faithful deliverer! I might be hurting, but you never fail to drench my heart in love when I really need it! "I believe always, always our savior never fails, and even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, and he will be with you always!"
-Christianna Denise

Disease is such a burden!

When I was about 5 I was playing in the back yard of our neighbors house with two other friends, the two other friends went inside, and as I sat on the swing I saw some beady little eyes staring back at me. I walked up to the fence only to find a little girl the same age and height as me staring back. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Hi, what's your name?" "Mistie, what's your name?" "Christianna" "What are you doing?" "I was playing on the swing, waiting for Little Amanda and Big Amanda to come back outside" "Do you want to go to the park with me?" "Sure, I have to go ask my mom!"....it turned out that my mom had went to high school with her mom! 14 Years later....we are still friends and she has a daughter who's 1 and a half who could be her twin...she looks just like Mistie, when I first met her! This same friend she's the same age as myself..she's only younger by a couple months.....was just diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long ago....at 19 with a child she's got cervical cancer.
Another family friend...one of my mom's friends who knew my mom before I was even born has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclarosis, AND is going blind due to some disease that apparently she caught from having a baby? She of all people is one of the most undeserving people to get cancer, no one deserves it really, but she is one of the sweetest, most giving, caring people I know....and her 1 year old son is just like her!
Along with those two I have to throw in my 53 year old grandma who has battled lung cancer, got rid of it, and now has got some other kind of cancer...I don't even know what kind, but they found a spot on her brain, she went to peoria to get a special kind of radiation. I wish she was the same as she was before all of the radiation...I really do. Her mind is like a yo-yo...she called up my aunt the week before last and told her she bumped her head on the cabanet and knocked herself crazy..it's funny, but really it's not at all...it hurts me. And she is never and will never be a burden for me, it's the CANCER, it's the DISEASE that burdens me. I am forced to take care of her and look after her because my uncle and my mom both work alot and that's fine but it can be really scarey because what if she decides to have a horrible outburst like she did the night my mom was there with me and I have to call 911 because she starts throwing things, ripping things apart, and popping pills because she forgot she already took them and she's so strong you can't really stop her from popping another one?...not to mension my own health problems that I like to neglect and just hope it's okay because I'm too busy worrying about these because they are more important to me. Truth is I need to stop worrying so much because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night...but how do I stop worrying so much? Is it possible?
-Just Christianna

Inspiration

I believe that inspiration can be hard to find at times. Those times when you just feel like blah, unloved, or maybe it's just the change of season...that is when you need inspiration. At any moment you are saseptable to find it but you just aren't looking hard enough, and finally you rest a little and then without effort, you find the inspiration you've been looking for. One of my biggest inspirations have always been music. Today I was watching August Rush and I really got to thinking about it. Music really IS everywhere. It's all around us and we don't realize, all we have to do is listen. It's in the trees that move to the beat of the wind, it's in all of the sounds of the city, whether it's a car honking, feet walking, music is EVERYWHERE....especially in the voice of God. The truth is that lately I have gotten so much inspiration out of Austin, Amanda, Justin, pretty much everyone at the church and everything happening for the church, the whole Matthew West thing...I feel so pushed..I want to do something big with the only instrument I have learned pretty okay..my voice! I really do have this huge desire that I cannot explain and I don't know what to do. I know that I would love to have someone help me to find my voice more. All I know is that I want to amaze people, I want to use what I've got to bring them closer to God, closer to Jesus, and I want to inspire THEM!! The only thing...it's hurting my heart that I do not know where to start...but this desire is pushing and dragging my emotions like crazy...lately it doesn't take much to make me cry, OR make me happy! Final thoughts...let the music around you lead you where it wants you to go (music=God). What inspires you? Any thoughts or comments??

-Christianna Denise

p.s. I love you!