Do Not Worry (Luke 12:22-24)

.. okay read until the end.. I do have a point to this story.. Lately, life has been pretty much a nonstop rollercoaster ride, and due to the rollercoaster ride's many loops, twists, and turns my emotions have taken a pretty bumpy ride also.. but HEY I'm not complaining because I know and see that God is moving and thriving in every bit of our lives and am beginning to come to an understanding of the fact that when you ask Him to take your life, you better be ready because you never know what plans He has for you!! All this craziness has had me worrying about many things, big and small, which if you don't know worrying is the underlying cause of this fabulous "disorder" I have, Panic/Anxiety Disorder.. and I'm pretty sure that I LITERALLY worry myself sick.. just got over a not so slight case of bronchitis a few weeks ago, then something else happened and BAM.. here I am, I've had this dumb cough for a week now, and it's definitely not getting better, if anything, it has gotten worse, I can barely make it 2 minutes without hacking, my throat is sore, my stomach feels like it does after I vomit water, my ribs are quite sore and I have completely lost my appetite.. BUT this morning I swear I saw God in the eyes of a woman in drive thru around 7am.. This morning I woke up around 5:20, got ready for work, then headed out the door to clean off my car windows and head to work.. when I pulled into the parking lot at work I noticed that I had forgot to pack something to eat for break and my immediate thought was "Crap, how am I gonna eat on break? I can't go to the bank and I don't have any extra cash on me!".. then I decided that I'd just let it go and not worry about it because I could just wait and eat after I got off anyways. Drive thru was WAY busy today, filled with black friday shoppers, many whom still seemed to be wearing their black friday game faces (in other words they were mean and rude).. but around 7am this one particular woman pulls up to my window with a huge smile on her face, as I opened my window here was our conversation..
Her-"Wow, I bet you guys are busy this morning?"
Me-"Yeah, it's been insane this morning!"
Her-"How are you? Have people been cranky this morning?"
Me-"I'm alright, Yeah people have been so mean and rude this morning!"
Her-"Well thank you for your smile and for your service.. here's the money, and here is a tip for you, you deserve it!"
Me-"Thank you SO much!"

.. at that moment I swear I caught a glimpse of Jesus in her eyes and immediately I thought of this verse.. "..I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than birds!"-Luke 12:22-24

I have read this verse over and over and over and OVER, trying to pound it into my brain whenever I start to worry really bad or start to have a panic attack and it just never worked, but today I saw this verse literally come to life before my eyes!!.. and ironically EVERYTHING about that verse describes some of my biggest issues I've had in the past, but more importantly some of my biggest issues that have seemed to be creeping back into my life slowly within the past few months and recently started almost getting bad again!.. but this was just the icing on top of the cake when it comes to seeing these words become life to me.. the managers ended up completely accidentally forgetting to give me a break, and again I was not worried about it one bit, but since they forgot to give me a break, they gave me a free meal after I got off of work! To you it may seems small, but to ME, that was huge and I definitely without a doubt saw God's word come to life before my eyes!
Thank you God, for always being faithful, for this amazing day, for my body that is being healed by your hands at this very second, for breath and life that you put in me!

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Testing Faith

Okay the past few days have been anything but good...car issues, which need to be solved soon but aren't guarunteed to be...and the new developements in these issues today...phone issues (good luck getting ahold of me unless I'm on facebook at Panera or at church), and losing my voice (my job happens to offer the best health insurance..psht!)....perfect. Either my faith is majorly being tested, or my patience is just wearing thin and missing...well speaking of missing something..I'm STILL missing my bible...hmm maybe that could be the issue?...ha yeah right, I'm kidding myself...but I NEED it at this point...yes NEED!! I honestly don't know how I'm gonna solve any of these issues....they all have to do with that stupid paper green stuff...which I have none of....but whatever...God chose..the perfect timing for all of this..so maybe he will choose the perfect timing to bring me a freaking solution!...Porkies...just ain't cutting it....AT ALL! Oh the joys of being an adult...God is growing me....I'd rather grow back down now. Pretty much at the point where I'm BEGGING Jesus to come back NOW..even though I'm honestly not sure whether I'd go to heaven or hell...
-No longer beautiful...but a Disaster for sure

Streching

This year I am LONGING to grow my gifts so much! I'm not sure where or how to start but I know that today as I was practicing with the whole band I was getting SO upset because when I sing with the entire band I forget the harmony I am supposed to sing and not knowing the song that well doesn't help! That is why I feel not good enough, but if I wasn't would I be a part? Probably not so I obviously am! The rest of them are just more advanced than I. This year I just want to get so much better and stretch so much so that I can be just as good instead of not being. Jesus come on, I'm trusting you.

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster

I wanna be...

If you know me, you know that I always stay up rediculously late. Well this morning around 1a.m. I got a text from a friend telling me she got locked outta her house and didn't know where she was gonna go but I didn't get the text till 3 when I checked my phone. When I called her, her phone was dieing and she was running out of gas...After much effort she finally let me pick her up..so this morning at 3a.m. I set out to Davenport to help a very good friend (if you don't know I live in MoTowN!). I didn't get home till about 4a.m....but I don't care because her safety matters to me more than me getting enough sleep! Thank you God for technology because without it I'm sure she would probably be stranded somewhere!

This is who I long to be-I wanna be someone who is remembered by the little things I do
I wanna be the girl who can always make someone else's day even if I can't make my own
I want to be more than just a pretty face (even if I disagree with anyone that I am)
I want to make a difference
I wanna be okay and
I want to matter.

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

A Place In This World

I've been searching to find my place in this world for quite sometime. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, where I'm supposed to be, or where my future is even headed...all I know is that I want my own family, a husband, kids, and I already have great friends. Although I have great friends, and I make sure to tell them all as much as I can how much I really do love them (undescribably so), even though I have them, sometimes I still walk around feeling like I don't fit in, like I'm not accepted, wearing my heart on my sleeve, like something is missing...in my heart I know I feel somethings missing....a place in this world. Lately I've had the strongest calling to the city of Davenport and I've always said that I wanted to move away to a BIG city like Chicago, or New York, L.A. because of the opportunities I could have...but I know that I would just be so much more alone than I am now and I wouldn't be able to move so far away from my friends. I really wanna move to Davenport, live there, and work there. Could that be my place in this world? I know that I know that I KNOW that God didn't set me on this world without a purpose...everyone has a purpose! But I don't know what it is....and I know I know I know pray and ask God for an answer...is it bad of me to say that sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough? Probably. I honestly don't feel called at all to go back to college...I didn't feel called to it in the first place, I'm not smart...but if I don't then my entire family will look down on me, or maybe they already do cuz they sure do forget about me alot.

God, I just want to find my place...where do I belong? GOD PLEASE DIRECT ME SOMEWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BLACK HOLE...help...please?
-Lost Seeking Soul

Disorder

This morning I was watching a show on mtv...and it was about these people who have O.C.D. I came to the conclusion that O.C.D. is basically a disorder that holds you captive because of fears....basically for example if you fear something you will do odd things like count each step you take, wash your hands a certain number of times, make a weird noise a certain of times because when you start fearing those things you start feeling overwhelmingly anxious to do SOMETHING to replace the fear you have and make you feel better so doing those things is kind of like a security blanket. I can relate a little bit.
I too have been held captive by my own disorder...I'm getting better..I think..I hope...but anyways. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder...it had gotten so bad that it earned me a one way ticket to the E.R.!! After I got out about a week later I had a doctors appointment to check on how I was doing since my E.R. visit and she basically said that it will always be there but if it gets so bad that it keeps me from doing things I normally do, keeps me up at night and keeps me from maybe coming out of my house that I should get another appointment set up right away and they'd put me on medicine. I was not about to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, but it did get worse. I started staying at home more often, and I HATED driving anywhere but work and home, almost as if I was afraid to go any further. I got about 2hours of sleep a night, and even though I was always completely exsausted I still wouldn't go to bed. Now it's a little better...I am normally always on the go and don't like staying home that much, but on occation I get homesick and stay home...I usually go to bed now around 1-3am but lately I've been going to bed around 11-12 and I wake up around 8. BUT I ALWAYS have panic attacks! At least one everyday because I panic alot when I'm driving. I panic sometimes about the stupidest things...like tonight I fell down the stairs and my pinky was/still is numb...and I'm like what if I broke it? What if I did this or that? What if I die? I know how stupid this may sound to you, you may even be laughing at me right now...but this is such a serious disorder, and sometimes it still holds me captive! No matter how much you can say to not think about "what if's" it's harder than you could imagine because this disorder is all about "what if's" and little worries...but sometimes I feel better when I start panicing I quote that "give your worries to me.." scripture and I feel okay, but it doesn't always work so my last resort is to just wait it out and hopefully I don't like freak out worse and pass out. Needless to say YES I am still working on it....I am refusing to let this stupid "DISORDER" control my life!! I wish that those people with O.C.D. would do the same!!

Hidden Talent

Nicole, and I were sitting yesterday talking and she brought up a subject that is barely talked about that I believe we could all learn to grow!...Hidden talent/Hidden Gifts! A hidden talent is described as a gift you have that not very many people know about, or a gift you know you have but don't try to excel in and kinda push it behind you like it's not as important so that no one knows about it. Everyone has one. For example...one of mine is writing. I write stories, poems, songs, and have even won multiple awards and gotten them published online and in books!...but not many people know this because I don't really talk about it as much as I do performing....but I really do enjoy writing. I think that instead of hiding our gifts we should embrace every gift God has given and handpicked for us, tap into them more and get as good at them as we are the at the gifts we use all the time! So I was really seriously interested to know...what are YOUR hidden talents????? And how do you think you can tap into that gift more??
-Beautiful Disaster

Busy body

At one point I was sooo busy between cheerleading, dance and tumbling practice and dance competitions, dance team at school, and acting that I was cutting it pretty close with timing...but I had a schedule and I loved it! I can't help but love running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...it's just fun and I enjoy it! Most people hate it, but not me, I am such a GO'ER! I know that was put in me for a reason...but why? Because it sucks at times like now lately when I am LONGING for it! I mean I love it on Mondays that I have to go from work straight to practice...and I love waking up Wednesdays knowing I probably have things waiting for me to do at the church....and I love it on Sundays when I have both church services but serve at one of them then have small group at 3:30 and once a month have leadership meeting to tie into the already busy Sunday. But what about the rest of the days? I obviously work...but I only usually work from 11-4 and that's pretty much it!...(and honestly I feel like I need to be doing something I ENJOY)...like for example..I love making picture/video videos for people and I could spend hours putting together videos..but what if I made my own kind of business out of it and turned it into a side job or something and made videos for like peoples weddings, birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions?...my mom actually suggests this everytime I show her a new video I've made. Well I dunno what I am gong to do about my longing for being a busy body....but I am definately ready for something because I long so badly I don't know what to do with myself anymore. When I tell people that I like to be busy, most of them say things that are negative, and tell me that being a busy body isn't a good thing...but I guess what bothers me the most is that the person is usually someone who doesn't understand me..I wish people understood me better because maybe then I would start to understand myself better. Hmm...this is the beginning of another long journey...
-Beautiful Disaster

Big Steel Gates Part 3: Behind Closed Doors

Like I said in part 1...I kind of have a big steel gate built around who I really am, and what has shaped me to be the way I am, and not very many people know my complete true heart..some may know half but I tend to leave the other half unsaid for them to find themselves, if I want them to..for some people I open up kinda quickly and others it takes time and patience. But here's another inside scoop on me.
The statement on the picture says "Tears are words the heart can't say"...and I have come to notice how true that is! When I was 10 I moved to a different school and had to make new friends (for the 3rd time) and I used to get made fun of alot because I wore glasses and I always wore my hair in a braid, so they would call me names like brady bunch, or just some stupid childish names..I never really said anything back to them to defend myself, I just kinda completely shut them out and ignored them even though sometimes the taunting got so bad that they were in my face SCREAMING threats, and calling me names, pushing me, shoving me, breaking the things that belonged to me....there may have been a couple times when I've did something just as mean back to them, but other than that I either ignored it or just looked them in the eye with a smile on my face and walked away, I always though I'd ...but the truth is I would go home everyday, go in my room, and just ball...but then I would go back to school the next day and put my tough mask on again and pretend that they never even hurt me. Those same people taunted me all through junior high also..finally in 8th grade at the end of the year we had a talent show, I tried out, made it, and did a dance solo on stage in my dance outfit and after that none of them ever picked on me again and wanted to befriend me all of a sudden...to this day I can still remember that dance! But as I sit and think about it now and think about that statement on the picture above..yeah I cried because what they said hurt my feelings, but it was a much deeper feeling that I cannot explain and because I couldn't really explain what that feeling was all I could do was cry. Not very many people have seen me cry, I hate crying in front of people makes me feel guilty and ashamed, I'm more of a cry behind closed doors kind of person, but when I cannot hold my tears back and allow myself to cry in front of someone usually it means that something really is wrong. To end this post...it's been a long road getting to where I am at, and sometimes I may show joy, and happiness..but you just never know what's going on and what's happening behind the steel gates closed doors! Have you ever built a gate around who you truely are? What kind of things are behind YOUR big steel gate?

Big Steel Gates Part 2: So small, SO BIG!

It's so funny how something so small can be SO BIG in life, happiness, joy, love and make you love more than you ever thought possible. Something that can bring happy tears to your eyes so much because it just reminds you of how BIG God is, and how much MORE he loves us! A year ago if you would have asked me if I planned to have kids when I was older...I woulda told you yes but only one, and I didn't want a boy...and I was probably going to adopt it as opposed to having it the natural way. God did a big thing for me when he brought me to The Rock and introduced me to this little guy...and his family! I have always loved kids...I actually started looking after and helping taking care of my aunt's little girl and boy since I was about 10 or 11 and I changed their diapers, gave them baths, fed them, played with them, all of the things you should know how to do when you're taking care of a child....and when I was little house used to be my favorite game...most little girls you know always want to play the baby, but I ALWAYS loved to play the mommy....but even tho I love kids I still woulda told you that I only wanted ONE. When I got introduced to this church, this family, and this ONE little boy..all of that CHANGED for me. Now if you asked me how many kids I want, I will more than likely tell you 4 at the most and 2 at the least because I want one girl and one boy at least..and that I can't wait to have my own family and hopefully raise my kids in a happy Christian home....and I am still pondering that thought of having them myself (its a start cuz before I wouldn't have even pondered the thought before moving on to adoption)...but I KNOW I DO want to adopt AT LEAST one of my kids!! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much, I never knew that I could love someone so much, feel so much, feel so important! I NEVER knew that someone SO small, could be SO BIG!...before God brought me here, to this city, this church, this family, and this little boy. <3
-Na Na

Response to: So many options

So many times I sit here and think man, I wish I had artistic ability, I wish I could play guitar, I wish I could learn to play the piano better, I wish I could sing like her, I wish I could dance like that....but I have discovered that it's because I am not 100% sure of my capabilities. I haven't completely discovered what I am fully capable of yet and since others question whether I'm good enough at the only things I really know (performing), I also question whether I'm good enough and often bring myself down because my talent doesn't measure up to this person's or that person's. Ever since I was old enough to stand on my own my mother could always tell that I had a love for dancing and music as a whole. She said when I wasn't able to stand on my own at about 6 months she would stand me up on her lap and turn on the music and I would start moving my feet and bouncing up and down to the beat of the music and as soon as they turned the music on I started screaming and crying but when they turned it back on I stopped crying and started bopping along with the music again. Then when I was a little older probably about 3-5 I started begging my mom to put me into dance classes, and telling everyone that when I grew up I was gonna be a ballerina, lol. Well then when I turned 10 I finally got my wish with a little something extra: gymnastics! I did the whole dance thing, and gymanstics, and my mom believed in me enough to let me compete. To this day I would still LOVE to be in every dance class possible, do gymnastics and compete....and I would LOVE to be an actress and do shows....I would LOVE to sing, dance, and act my heart out in front of millions of people, I absolutely LOVE the stage life, the 2 minute scene changes, the 1 minute costume changes backstage, the crunch time and busyness the week of the show, I love every second of it BUT I don't want to do it for me anymore....I want to do it for his glory! I want to do it to inspire others to live for Christ too!! I also enjoy writing, and have been blessed with the gift to write great things....I have won awards, and also gotten my work published in a book!! I would LOVE to write a play or a musical, be in it, and cast others to play other parts and perform it on stage someday! I would also LOVE to be a part of a BIG production someday! If money were NOT and object I would hop on a plane to New York right now (and I'd bring some friends), and I'd go to audition, after audition and I'd get a modeling and talent agent from Ford Models, Elite Model Management or any other of the big names. I have BIG BIG dreams that would take ALOT of wishing hoping and praying to even get a foot in any kind of door. BUT of them all two of my biggest dreams are to become a mommy and a wife and at least adopt 1 child and raise a wonderful family and hopefully be a great mommy and wife, AND to greatly impact someone's life and inspire someone for the glory of the one and only savior! The most important thing to me when it comes to my gifts is that God gets all of the glory for what I do instead of ME because if it weren't for him nothing would be possible. The sun wouldn't shine, the stars wouldn't exsist, and the people in your life that inspire you wouldn't exsist either. How could you look around at everything made so beautifully and NOT think that there's a God that created it all with his own hands?

My Christmas Part 2

This is the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree I've ever laid eyes on...no joke, I've never seen a tree like this: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwzA6KGqyyULY-n08hNf-M8eNQdg-8IQpFq8jx3BYOdFWskrElFDE4aiDaFmEEr_W29XzsIbNYZpz1b5SuDC1w9-OHfPjy84GUXcJkcvH1FhcJZpIqsGd_ZwTx9R_eWf10n_h9eB35PhF/s1600-h/IMG_1955.JPG

The more Christmas is heading here fast....the more I am not caring about it much...besides the giving part, I always care about giving.....why do we make it all about the material things anyways? I am happy just remembering why we have the holiday....until I see all of the decorated houses on the outside with their light up reigndeers and light up santa's, and the beautifully decorated Christmas Trees that you can see peering through the windows from the outside of a frosty window....the more I see that stuff the more bitter I get about the holiday from wishing so much that I wasn't sitting in this tiny undecorated house...not a tree, nothing...not even a single window cling....last year I attempted to even put up some window clings and I totally got yelled at! Though I am a little bitter...at least it's teaching me that when I get a little older my house is going to be completely decked out on holidays! Someday I will have my own little family, my own little decorated home, and I won't be alone as often as I am now....I just know it. That has to be one of my biggest dreams in life...I can't wait :0) ...but for now I guess I'm going to try to embrace the holiday, be thankful that I actually have a place to live (decorated or not), and be thankful that I have the bit of family I have left even though I don't see them much, and don't know the rest of them. God has placed me here for a reason, with this family, this home, these experiences, and these belongings......and so far it has taught me ALOT and given me alot more wisdom than I should have at my age, and alot more wisdom than I show I have-->(I'm not AS innocent as I seem, been through things u might not be able to imagine)...but I just am ready for something different because this...is getting old.
-Beautifully Broken Beautiful Disaster

Tears

I was thinking about this just a minute ago. It seems like as you get older, your tears fall faster, harder, and more fall...literally. When I was younger I really don't think that my tears fell as fast as they do now, or in as much quantity either. Like the older we get, we cry differently. Is it because we've experienced heartache more? I just wonder why. I've learned to be a silent cryer so that it's easier to hide because I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness....I certainly don't think so, but it makes me feel guilty so I still hide it...unless of course I'm sleeping and don't realize I am because I tend to cry in my sleep...oops! I have SUCH a hard time controlling my emotions...I always have....I mean u may think but it's so easy all you have to do is.....no it doesn't really work that way with me and I've tried to control them but I end up giving up because they seem to over power me even tho I am way bigger! I never know where to start...my emotions is just something you have to see and experience because it's just unexplainable really. Where do I start to begin taking control of my emotions? I am really sick of tears...my eyes burn
-Christianna Denise

It Takes Talent

I am not really all that sure what my talents are yet...I'm still playing around a bit with the things I know I 100% never get bored of doing and do pretty much 24/7. I know that I love to sing, and dance, and do the whole performance thing....but I don't know if I'm any good at it, I just like to do it, and am not ashamed of it. I am constantly thinking "I wish I was better at it" "I wish I sang as good as this person or that person" "I wish I danced as good as this person" "I wish I could amaze people like this person, or that person" "I wish I was so good at something that I make someone's heart melt every time I do that" "I wish I had an amazing opportunity to share what I love to do"....it takes talent. If I didn't doubt myself all the time, or allow myself to get let down I might be more sure of myself and I wouldn't think "Oh I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, I'm not good enough, ect". But the truth is, we are all good at different things, and some people are better at things than others...are we ever good enough? Are we as humans ever good enough to do this, that or the other thing? Maybe, maybe not....but I do know that we ARE good enough to receive the unexplainable love of Jesus...and that's all that should matter...but why is it never enough? That should be enough!! WHY ISN'T IT?! WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL I AM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT TO BE BETTER AT SINGING, DANCING, ACTING, MODELING, OR WHATEVER IT IS?! WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT SO MUCH TO BE BETTER, OR TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW YOU CAN DO IT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON?! THE LOVE OF JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD, JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS...THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!! I don't understand why I have to dig so so so deep into things when I get the teeniest chance at taking the smallest shovel to the dirt! Father God, please I pray with as much passion as possible that you can show me PATIENCE, and show me somehow that your love, Jesus' love is ENOUGH...and it's all I need because nothing else will ever make me as happy as knowing that you truly made me a new creation, and that I can't find that kind of love, and acceptance anywhere else!

Comparison...

We all compare ourselves, other people, and other things everyday...we might not even think about it most of the time, but we do. Seriously take a second to think....what things did you compare today? When it becomes a problem is when it starts controlling any part of your life, your thoughts and causes you to act in any way that might hurt you or someone else. 90% of the time when we are making comparisons it's comparing ourselves with someone else....which most of the time causes us to look down on ourselves almost as if we get mad at ourselves for not being like or better than that other person. Why should we look down on ourselves? Does God look down on us in a bad way? I am having to constantly remind myself of this because I'm comparing myself 24/7....and even constantly reminding myself is not enough. It's hard for me to accept any kind of compliments from anyone because I'm like, oh they're just trying to be nice and make me feel good about myself, so they compliment me and I'm like thanks and in my head I'm thinking thanks but I beg to differ. Sometimes its just so hard to control your thoughts...I mean really how does a person even begin to change something that has sunk in for 10years...it takes time....and it's hard to know where to begin, which is why I keep falling, getting back up, and falling all over again...then I think okay this time I won't fall....and BAM!...find myself on the floor again (not literally). Hmm....where to begin? constantly reminding myself is doing nothing for me obviously, and that and pray is what I've been told to do...sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough but what more could I do? Anything is possible right?...it just feels like the opposite for the situation. GOD, CATCH MY HEART IN THE FLAME OF YOUR FIRE THAT NEVER DIES OUT!!!!!