With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

I Believe Always My Savior Never Fails!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you don't have to take even a second to think about it before you say it was truly a God moment? Don't those moments just touch your heart? The other day I was cleaning and all of a sudden out of nowhere my Grandma came to my mind and literally 5 seconds later she called my cell....it was such a wierd feeling when I thought of her out of the blue and then she called my phone. My heart is just so DRENCHED in love right now that it's overwhelming!...but also is so broken and hurt! Sometimes I feel like my heart is floating in the air looking for a place to rest, my heart is so overwhelmingly drenched in his love right now because my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Nicole and I took my Grandma to the mall yesterday and it was the most stressful and most sad thing that I've seen lately! Since she has cancer she is on some pill that makes her kinda loopy and just not all there...and she kept repeating herself, she walked out the door when Nicole and I weren't looking and was looking for Walgreens even though 5 mins before that we already told her it wasn't around there, then when we went to the food court to get food she went to one place and paid for food then walked off before she even got her food at that place and went and got food somewhere else and didn't even get her money back, she just walked away! The last time Nicole saw her she was her normal self and she didn't expect that, at all and she thought she was getting alztimers or something then I told her it was the medication she was on. Then today I remembered the song and story that the lead singer from Building 429 told us/sang us at the concert I went to with Cassie, and he told us about a lady who lost her 3yr old son because he got murdered by her exhusband and that he couldn't sleep one night and wrote this song Always and that lady's story reminded him of his own pain when his dad left him and his mom...and I also relate to the song with my own stories of my past, and my dad, and my now my Granny....then he told us that God knows our pain and his promise remains that he'll always be with us and he will NEVER fail to keep his word even when we feel there is no hope left, He's there. Thank you God, for never failing, and that you are a faithful deliverer! I might be hurting, but you never fail to drench my heart in love when I really need it! "I believe always, always our savior never fails, and even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, and he will be with you always!"
-Christianna Denise

Disease is such a burden!

When I was about 5 I was playing in the back yard of our neighbors house with two other friends, the two other friends went inside, and as I sat on the swing I saw some beady little eyes staring back at me. I walked up to the fence only to find a little girl the same age and height as me staring back. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Hi, what's your name?" "Mistie, what's your name?" "Christianna" "What are you doing?" "I was playing on the swing, waiting for Little Amanda and Big Amanda to come back outside" "Do you want to go to the park with me?" "Sure, I have to go ask my mom!"....it turned out that my mom had went to high school with her mom! 14 Years later....we are still friends and she has a daughter who's 1 and a half who could be her twin...she looks just like Mistie, when I first met her! This same friend she's the same age as myself..she's only younger by a couple months.....was just diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long ago....at 19 with a child she's got cervical cancer.
Another family friend...one of my mom's friends who knew my mom before I was even born has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclarosis, AND is going blind due to some disease that apparently she caught from having a baby? She of all people is one of the most undeserving people to get cancer, no one deserves it really, but she is one of the sweetest, most giving, caring people I know....and her 1 year old son is just like her!
Along with those two I have to throw in my 53 year old grandma who has battled lung cancer, got rid of it, and now has got some other kind of cancer...I don't even know what kind, but they found a spot on her brain, she went to peoria to get a special kind of radiation. I wish she was the same as she was before all of the radiation...I really do. Her mind is like a yo-yo...she called up my aunt the week before last and told her she bumped her head on the cabanet and knocked herself crazy..it's funny, but really it's not at all...it hurts me. And she is never and will never be a burden for me, it's the CANCER, it's the DISEASE that burdens me. I am forced to take care of her and look after her because my uncle and my mom both work alot and that's fine but it can be really scarey because what if she decides to have a horrible outburst like she did the night my mom was there with me and I have to call 911 because she starts throwing things, ripping things apart, and popping pills because she forgot she already took them and she's so strong you can't really stop her from popping another one?...not to mension my own health problems that I like to neglect and just hope it's okay because I'm too busy worrying about these because they are more important to me. Truth is I need to stop worrying so much because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night...but how do I stop worrying so much? Is it possible?
-Just Christianna

Things To Work On

Here a some things I've discovered that I need to work on...If you wanna help me with any of these be my guest, I'd appreciate it!
*Becoming better, learning more, and learning to be more confident with singing
*Reading my bible and being better at praying
*Coming out of my room more often, instead of caging myself up in it!
*Organization- I used to be so good at it, and now I just never know where to start unless it's someone else's things
*Eating healthier and taking vitamins, so that I get sick less this winter...last winter my record for strep was 8 times..and YES I still have my tonsils! But the only thing is I am a super picky eater, and I don't exactly know what it means to eat healthy since my outlook on all food is that every bit of it can make you fat, and even when I eat something healthy I still feel like I shouldn't be eating it and I really wish we didn't have to eat to survive because I still have a strong dislike for food!
*Learning how to catch all of my falling relationships before they completely hit the ground and shatter and growing closer to those who I am close to, to prevent a falling relationship with them!
*Having more faith in everything!

Any contributes will help! Books, advice, 1 on 1 talks, ANYTHING! I'd like to reach all of these goals beyond what I can imagine, and I have much desire to do so!

-Christianna Denise
p.s. I love you!!