Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

A Place In This World

I've been searching to find my place in this world for quite sometime. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, where I'm supposed to be, or where my future is even headed...all I know is that I want my own family, a husband, kids, and I already have great friends. Although I have great friends, and I make sure to tell them all as much as I can how much I really do love them (undescribably so), even though I have them, sometimes I still walk around feeling like I don't fit in, like I'm not accepted, wearing my heart on my sleeve, like something is missing...in my heart I know I feel somethings missing....a place in this world. Lately I've had the strongest calling to the city of Davenport and I've always said that I wanted to move away to a BIG city like Chicago, or New York, L.A. because of the opportunities I could have...but I know that I would just be so much more alone than I am now and I wouldn't be able to move so far away from my friends. I really wanna move to Davenport, live there, and work there. Could that be my place in this world? I know that I know that I KNOW that God didn't set me on this world without a purpose...everyone has a purpose! But I don't know what it is....and I know I know I know pray and ask God for an answer...is it bad of me to say that sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough? Probably. I honestly don't feel called at all to go back to college...I didn't feel called to it in the first place, I'm not smart...but if I don't then my entire family will look down on me, or maybe they already do cuz they sure do forget about me alot.

God, I just want to find my place...where do I belong? GOD PLEASE DIRECT ME SOMEWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BLACK HOLE...help...please?
-Lost Seeking Soul

Tears

I was thinking about this just a minute ago. It seems like as you get older, your tears fall faster, harder, and more fall...literally. When I was younger I really don't think that my tears fell as fast as they do now, or in as much quantity either. Like the older we get, we cry differently. Is it because we've experienced heartache more? I just wonder why. I've learned to be a silent cryer so that it's easier to hide because I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness....I certainly don't think so, but it makes me feel guilty so I still hide it...unless of course I'm sleeping and don't realize I am because I tend to cry in my sleep...oops! I have SUCH a hard time controlling my emotions...I always have....I mean u may think but it's so easy all you have to do is.....no it doesn't really work that way with me and I've tried to control them but I end up giving up because they seem to over power me even tho I am way bigger! I never know where to start...my emotions is just something you have to see and experience because it's just unexplainable really. Where do I start to begin taking control of my emotions? I am really sick of tears...my eyes burn
-Christianna Denise

It Takes Talent

I am not really all that sure what my talents are yet...I'm still playing around a bit with the things I know I 100% never get bored of doing and do pretty much 24/7. I know that I love to sing, and dance, and do the whole performance thing....but I don't know if I'm any good at it, I just like to do it, and am not ashamed of it. I am constantly thinking "I wish I was better at it" "I wish I sang as good as this person or that person" "I wish I danced as good as this person" "I wish I could amaze people like this person, or that person" "I wish I was so good at something that I make someone's heart melt every time I do that" "I wish I had an amazing opportunity to share what I love to do"....it takes talent. If I didn't doubt myself all the time, or allow myself to get let down I might be more sure of myself and I wouldn't think "Oh I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, I'm not good enough, ect". But the truth is, we are all good at different things, and some people are better at things than others...are we ever good enough? Are we as humans ever good enough to do this, that or the other thing? Maybe, maybe not....but I do know that we ARE good enough to receive the unexplainable love of Jesus...and that's all that should matter...but why is it never enough? That should be enough!! WHY ISN'T IT?! WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL I AM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT TO BE BETTER AT SINGING, DANCING, ACTING, MODELING, OR WHATEVER IT IS?! WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT SO MUCH TO BE BETTER, OR TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW YOU CAN DO IT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON?! THE LOVE OF JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD, JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS...THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!! I don't understand why I have to dig so so so deep into things when I get the teeniest chance at taking the smallest shovel to the dirt! Father God, please I pray with as much passion as possible that you can show me PATIENCE, and show me somehow that your love, Jesus' love is ENOUGH...and it's all I need because nothing else will ever make me as happy as knowing that you truly made me a new creation, and that I can't find that kind of love, and acceptance anywhere else!

Disease is such a burden!

When I was about 5 I was playing in the back yard of our neighbors house with two other friends, the two other friends went inside, and as I sat on the swing I saw some beady little eyes staring back at me. I walked up to the fence only to find a little girl the same age and height as me staring back. I remember it like it was yesterday. "Hi, what's your name?" "Mistie, what's your name?" "Christianna" "What are you doing?" "I was playing on the swing, waiting for Little Amanda and Big Amanda to come back outside" "Do you want to go to the park with me?" "Sure, I have to go ask my mom!"....it turned out that my mom had went to high school with her mom! 14 Years later....we are still friends and she has a daughter who's 1 and a half who could be her twin...she looks just like Mistie, when I first met her! This same friend she's the same age as myself..she's only younger by a couple months.....was just diagnosed with cervical cancer not too long ago....at 19 with a child she's got cervical cancer.
Another family friend...one of my mom's friends who knew my mom before I was even born has been diagnosed with Multiple Sclarosis, AND is going blind due to some disease that apparently she caught from having a baby? She of all people is one of the most undeserving people to get cancer, no one deserves it really, but she is one of the sweetest, most giving, caring people I know....and her 1 year old son is just like her!
Along with those two I have to throw in my 53 year old grandma who has battled lung cancer, got rid of it, and now has got some other kind of cancer...I don't even know what kind, but they found a spot on her brain, she went to peoria to get a special kind of radiation. I wish she was the same as she was before all of the radiation...I really do. Her mind is like a yo-yo...she called up my aunt the week before last and told her she bumped her head on the cabanet and knocked herself crazy..it's funny, but really it's not at all...it hurts me. And she is never and will never be a burden for me, it's the CANCER, it's the DISEASE that burdens me. I am forced to take care of her and look after her because my uncle and my mom both work alot and that's fine but it can be really scarey because what if she decides to have a horrible outburst like she did the night my mom was there with me and I have to call 911 because she starts throwing things, ripping things apart, and popping pills because she forgot she already took them and she's so strong you can't really stop her from popping another one?...not to mension my own health problems that I like to neglect and just hope it's okay because I'm too busy worrying about these because they are more important to me. Truth is I need to stop worrying so much because I'm sick of crying myself to sleep every night...but how do I stop worrying so much? Is it possible?
-Just Christianna

Breaks My Heart

<--That happens to be or at least is supposed to be one of my best friends. I've known her since kindergarden...and she's amazing BUT right now my heart is breaking just looking at this picture, it makes me want to start balling because at the rate we are going right now, if something doesn't get done soon we are both going to end up saying that we USED to be best friends. That's all for now because I'm 100% sure that if I say any more I will cry. Jesus!!!
-Christianna