Do Not Worry (Luke 12:22-24)

.. okay read until the end.. I do have a point to this story.. Lately, life has been pretty much a nonstop rollercoaster ride, and due to the rollercoaster ride's many loops, twists, and turns my emotions have taken a pretty bumpy ride also.. but HEY I'm not complaining because I know and see that God is moving and thriving in every bit of our lives and am beginning to come to an understanding of the fact that when you ask Him to take your life, you better be ready because you never know what plans He has for you!! All this craziness has had me worrying about many things, big and small, which if you don't know worrying is the underlying cause of this fabulous "disorder" I have, Panic/Anxiety Disorder.. and I'm pretty sure that I LITERALLY worry myself sick.. just got over a not so slight case of bronchitis a few weeks ago, then something else happened and BAM.. here I am, I've had this dumb cough for a week now, and it's definitely not getting better, if anything, it has gotten worse, I can barely make it 2 minutes without hacking, my throat is sore, my stomach feels like it does after I vomit water, my ribs are quite sore and I have completely lost my appetite.. BUT this morning I swear I saw God in the eyes of a woman in drive thru around 7am.. This morning I woke up around 5:20, got ready for work, then headed out the door to clean off my car windows and head to work.. when I pulled into the parking lot at work I noticed that I had forgot to pack something to eat for break and my immediate thought was "Crap, how am I gonna eat on break? I can't go to the bank and I don't have any extra cash on me!".. then I decided that I'd just let it go and not worry about it because I could just wait and eat after I got off anyways. Drive thru was WAY busy today, filled with black friday shoppers, many whom still seemed to be wearing their black friday game faces (in other words they were mean and rude).. but around 7am this one particular woman pulls up to my window with a huge smile on her face, as I opened my window here was our conversation..
Her-"Wow, I bet you guys are busy this morning?"
Me-"Yeah, it's been insane this morning!"
Her-"How are you? Have people been cranky this morning?"
Me-"I'm alright, Yeah people have been so mean and rude this morning!"
Her-"Well thank you for your smile and for your service.. here's the money, and here is a tip for you, you deserve it!"
Me-"Thank you SO much!"

.. at that moment I swear I caught a glimpse of Jesus in her eyes and immediately I thought of this verse.. "..I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than birds!"-Luke 12:22-24

I have read this verse over and over and over and OVER, trying to pound it into my brain whenever I start to worry really bad or start to have a panic attack and it just never worked, but today I saw this verse literally come to life before my eyes!!.. and ironically EVERYTHING about that verse describes some of my biggest issues I've had in the past, but more importantly some of my biggest issues that have seemed to be creeping back into my life slowly within the past few months and recently started almost getting bad again!.. but this was just the icing on top of the cake when it comes to seeing these words become life to me.. the managers ended up completely accidentally forgetting to give me a break, and again I was not worried about it one bit, but since they forgot to give me a break, they gave me a free meal after I got off of work! To you it may seems small, but to ME, that was huge and I definitely without a doubt saw God's word come to life before my eyes!
Thank you God, for always being faithful, for this amazing day, for my body that is being healed by your hands at this very second, for breath and life that you put in me!

A Father's Love

"I'm found in the arms of love, Your love it has saved my soul, I'll run to your arms of love..."

From what I understand, or from what I have seen and been shown by watching others... a father's love is one of a kind, precious, protective, forgiving, strong holding, forever lasting, never giving up, sometimes giving in easily. He is the person who allows their child to run back into his arms no matter how old he or she is, the one who wipes the tears and then threatens whatever made his child cry.. a father's love is something that a lot of people mess their lives up trying to find to fill the hole that their non-exsistant or abusive or panzy father has left.. something every person deserves to understand, to feel, and to have. As I walk along this path less traveled by, I wonder how different I would be, had I felt or experienced this kind of love. Would it have been easier or harder for me to accept God into my life? Would I still be filled with jealousy when I see an amazing father loving his child? Would I still be the same person? How would it have changed my veiws of things? Ya know, sometimes I feel so much like a parentless child... but then as I sit here listening to this song, tears begin to fall as I close my eyes and my imagination runs wild.. God the Father of the fatherless is holding out his arms towards me as I run to him with tears falling down my face and finally I find comfort as he is holding me in his arms.. this is a father's love.. this must be what it feels like but I will never know, I can only hope to truly understand one day.

-Beautifully Broken

One of my strongest love languages..

A simple cheek or forehead kiss can mean so much to a person even though to you it may feel like nothing or like just a breath of air. Reassurance, a heart-felt "I love you, friend", "I care", or "I'm here for you" and so much more, even the most simple kiss can mean all of these things. Something that may seem so simple to you might mean the world to another person without you even knowing it! I miss out. If I could ask for anything in the entire world right now, ANYTHING, not excluding actual store bought items, I'd ask for the kind of reassuring, heart-felt kiss that my Daddy gave me the day before he died. Love like this is PRICELESS!... beautiful.

-Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful, Unexplainable and God-Sent

A picture can tell a thousand words. Often as I'm glancing through my facebook I see this picture, and each time I see it the same exact thing happens: It catches my eye, I click on it, and stare at it as a thousand thoughts flood my mind about friendship and I start tearing up. It isn't very often we catch these little candid moments on camera, and when we do.. they are just so amazingly beautiful that you can't help but tear up at the sight of it's beauty and the meaning of what it brings to mind.
Friendship. Friends are a creation that I am more than often unbelievably thankful for. Friendship means being there when things are tough, and at the same time being honest when things aren't right. Friendship is late night heart to hearts and laughter so hard that you swear you are gaining abs because you just can't stop laughing so hard. Friendship is happiness and JOY! "...so one friend sharpens another".. and that's how it should be. Friendship is the willingness to put your life on the line for your friend in danger. Friendship is BEAUTIFUL! This picture tells me a thousand words. This picture is a PERFECT captured moment that shows so much beauty. The beauty of amazing, unexplainable, intimate, BEAUTIFUL friendship. "I am lost for more to say".. beautiful.

What is friendship to you? What is your favorite captured, candid moment??

Miracle Babies: Story #2

Rumaisa Rahman was born at 25 weeks at 8inches long and weighing only 8.6 OUNCES... yes.. you got it.. OUNCES!.. that's about the size of a cellphone! Rumaisa's twin sister Hisa was born weighing 1lb. Her mother developed a terrible case of pre-eclampsia that forced her to have a c-section and have her twin girls early! Luckily she was born at 25 weeks because had she been born 2 weeks earlier she wouldn't have had a chance at surviving due to the fact that babies at 23 weeks or earlier don't have fully developed lungs! Mother and both babies survived by the grace of God! Here are some pictures of this tiny miracle baby..

This is her with a ball point pen next to her to get a picture of how tiny she was:

Her tiny feet that weren't even as big as ONE of our fingers:

This was her after a few weeks, (still SO tiny!!):

Miracle Babies: Story #1

So I am starting a new blog series and as you see it's called "Miracle Babies" and to each series there will be pictures at the end. Children are a gift from God, each born with their own purpose specially made by our unexplainable amazing creator! This first story just blew me away and touched my heart when I read it!..

21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel Alexander Armas, who was being operated on by a surgeon named Joseph Bruner. The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed from his mother's womb. Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse i

n Atlanta. She knew of Dr. Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure. Practicing at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations while the baby is still in the womb.During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes a small incision to operate on the baby. As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery on Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny, but fully developed hand through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger. Dr. Bruner was reported as saying that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his life, and that for an instant during the procedure he was just frozen, totally immobile. The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity. The editors titled the picture, "Hand of Hope."

The text explaining the picture begins, "The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the doctor for the gift of life." Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture. She said, "The photo reminds us pregnancy isn't about disability or an illness, it's about a little person." Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 percent successful.

The Expecting..

I was at my 2nd house today and there was a book on the table about childbirth and how this woman had 3 kids without ANY pain at all! Well, Amanda IS pregnant, so I have looked at the cover of that book everytime I'm over there and see it out, just wondering what it says inside, so today I decided to pick it up and start reading it and I couldn't put it down (for me this is RARE because I strongly dislike reading)! There is something about childbearing that draws me in, something about it the facinates me and catches all of my attention! I will walk by an expecting mother at the store, or see one while I'm working the drive thru window and my mind just starts racing and so many questions fill my mind.. I wish I could feel her belly..Is the baby moving? I wonder how it feels to know that there is a little life in there? I wonder how it feels to feel that baby kick for the first time, feel it move, hear it's heartbeat, or see it on an ultra sound? I wonder what kind of things she is experiencing? Is she excited or scared? Is she happy or was she unexpecting to be expecting?.. there are so many things that I often sit there and wonder about for hours at a time. It so surreal to think that one day I will be the woman who is expecting. I have NO doubt AT ALL on my mind that one day I will be the one who is the expecting mother and all of the things I wonder about will be put to rest. I can't WAIT to experience childbearing! Often I worry a little that I won't be able to bear a child, but I BELIEVE that I will because I feel that right now I am practicing and developing my parenting skills. God has his hand on my life, and he knows that being a wife and being a mother is one of the biggest things on my heart (I'm talking top 2). I dunno how you feel about it, but this is how I feel. It is SO beautiful looking at an expecting mother, to me she GLOWS radiantly and thinking that she is holding a little life in her belly, a HUMAN LIFE, another soul that God has the chance to pour his presence on and another soul that could change the world.. is simply indescribable! What an amazing God we have!

My "Family"

I can't help but burst with joy and SO much love when just even one thought of them comes in my mind and I wonder what they are up to or if they feel the same way or not or maybe I'm just crazy.... but never have I felt so much love for a family before. I could only WISH that I was related but also have experienced what it the word "family" really means without even being so..but just feeling like I am. Feeling like I belong and am accepted somewhere, no strings attatched. I don't go a day without thinking about them. "Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?"...yes much too often when I am just hanging out with them, whether its laughing at Justin being mean to people on reality tv shows, Amanda and I staying up and having bonding time watching tv and talking after Justin goes to bed, or Javen just walking up to me out of the blue, planting a kiss on my cheek and saying he loves me.. No words are even strong enough, powerful enough, loving enough, thankful enough to describe how I feel. Look at that picture. How could anyone NOT love them! I can't wait until there is 4! I have learned so much and I have so much still to learn.

Wishing, Dreaming, Hoping..

My ultimate dream (besides becoming an awesome wife and mommy) is to help lead worship in front of hundreds and someday millions of followers of Christ and helping lead unbelievers to the love of Jesus using the gift God gave me! Yesterday I was worshipping and for a few minutes I opened my eyes and looked at our worship team and thought "look at how beautiful they all are!"..I think that a person is the most beautiful when they are worshipping God..and last night I saw the face of God when I looked at each of them and it was unbelievably beautiful and I could tell that God was the center of where they were..up there helping lead people to Christ! Since everything changed with the band and have gone from New Wine to Surrender, I've given up on the gift/gifts I was given because I felt discouraged, not equal, and not good enough..but I know that it's where I truely belong because it's where my heart has always been..and I feel as though I left part of it right there on that stage! Dear Jesus, I wishing, dreaming, and hoping to be where I feel God has intended me to be! I've ran from a million things that have never come back to me..but this...keeps crawling its way back into my heart!
-Hopeful Dreamer

A Love-Driven Heart

I owe my life to the God above who has me under his wings. I am love-driven. Wherever I am love follows and leaves a trail. I always love with everything in me and never say I love you without meaning it whole-heartedly with everything in me! I believe that the words "I love you" are the strongest most intimate words you can say to a person. I communicate through love and encouragement and nothing means more to me than a meaningful unexpected 'i love you' and a huge or kiss on the cheek or forehead and nothing hurts me more than feeling unloved and unloving words and actions against me. I fear a lot of things but what I fear most is losing the people I'm closest to because I lost 2 of the best friends I could have, my Daddy and my Granny, so I try to let the people I'm closest to always know how much I care and love them because we often take life for granted and forget that we never know what could happen because in the end God has all the power. My heart is often overwhelmed with so much love for my friends and family even though sometimes I feel that they don't feel the same way about me. I concider my closest friends my family and without them I'm nothing because the teach me what it means to truely love. I am undeserving of such wonderful people in my life but I am glad God thought that I deserved them!!..so since they were a gift to me I give back willingly in return and enjoy every bit of it. I enjoy every bit of having a giving heart. I give out of love and find joy in it. I am love-driven by my passions/dreams, the people I care most about, I am love-driven by God and the purpose he has for me.
-Christianna Denise

p.s. Any comments? Any thing ya wanna say? I'm listening..so speak..please.

King Of Pop

So, it's barely believable that Michael Jackson is dead. It's crazy.. seems like just yesterday I was watching him and Britney on tv performing The Way You Make Me Feel the same exact year that I was using that song for my dane competition song and won 1st place! So in honor of the King Of Pop..I wrote this letter to say goodbye to a man who did more than just live up to the name he gained.. King of Pop.

Mr. King Of Pop-

Its such a Thriller that you're really gone! I can barely believe it. BUT this is the perfect time to let you know The Way You Make Me Feel. Your music and talent has inspired many, including myself who competed and placed 1st in dance competitions 3yrs in a row to your songs. You sure taught many people the ABC's of the dance floor and made millions of people just wanna get outta their seats and shake their booty! Most of all you taught us that We Are The World and although people had their doubts and rumors about you, only you knew what was really true and I hope you looked at the Man In The Mirror every day and liked the man you saw. I hope you knew how Dangerous it is to not know that we have a forgiving God. We all know that Billy Jean was not your lover... but I hope Jesus was, and to sum it all up I'd like you to know that You Rock My World..you rocked millions of peoples worlds! RIP Mr. Michael Jackson!

-Christianna Denise

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Love and War

It has been a crazy week already and its only Wednesday! But I will start with about a month ago. About a month ago, my amazing small group leader asked us to make relationship goals and pray about them. Now I'm not gonna tell my entire life story but I asked God and prayed hardcore for a mother figure because I feel deep in my soul that its what I'm needing at this point in my life as far as relationship goals go...and lately more and more I am starting to see who exactly God has chosen to answer my prayers with. Thank you Jesus. :0)
But now I'm gonna switch directions..I this week..no this entire month have been in a major spiritual battle..I feel something attempting to take my fire away from me and its doing it by attacking the people who mean a lot to me..3 people I care about have died within the past month..and 1 was this past Sunday...its a tough one and was practically my mom!!..not to mension I'm already ahving trouble cuz my daddy's birthday is Friday and I am pretty sure I've got tonsillitis concidering the white spots in my throat and my left lymphnode hurting so badly I can barely turn my head that way!..yep..I'm in a battle..This past month has been nothing but love and war..the war part is starting to have a heavier and heavier weigh in...but love seems to help it ALOT!
-Warrior Girl

Change Again..

So today I spent most of the day alone but that's just the thing I wasn't alone Jesus was there. Today as I was in the process of shopping and I felt something click in my mind or something. Change is happening in a big way..in every way. Even in my heart and mind! I am at that stage between a teenage girl and a young woman and somehow today helped me to feel and see all of the changes that are happening and I'm just not sure what to think yet..or how to feel about it. But what I do know is a small but big part of it is kind of embarassing and I know that it is partly because I didn't allow myself to let these changes happen naturally..I found ways to stop them..and now I am finally just letting this process take its course. There is no possible way to talk about the changes happening without embarrassment. This is just another step in the climb of life. Life is a climb...but the view is great.
-Little Caterpillar

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree

Uncontainable Love 2

Tonight I had my 2 favorite kids in the world! Javen AND Paige! Tonight I swore my heart was going to burst with so much love as I watched them play together and as I saw how quickly it took them to warm up to each other. They are both equally as sweet and loving! They both definately have my heart. I wonder if they know or understand...maybe and maybe not but God is teaching me so much through them..its amazing! I will never be able to wrap my mind around the thought that God loves us MORE than I love them or Amanda or Nicole or any of my friends really! I long to know his love, understand it, and I can't help but set a goal to show it in all that I do!
"Let love be your highest goal!"-1 Corinthians 14:1
...I think I've got that covered..but sometimes I just need a little reassurance. I wanna know...How do you know I love you? What can I do to more effectively show you His love and mine?
-Just Christianna

Uncontainable Love

Is it possible to love someone so much??? It’s indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love! I can’t help but love him more and more every time I see his sweet little face! We spend our time reading stories, playing shooters, learning colors and shapes, counting, cuddling on the couch, ect.. but his favorite thing we do is chase each other around the house. Whether its on a good day or a bad day this little one can ALWAYS put a smile on my face and joy in my heart! If I had to take care of him every day, I wouldn’t even mind one bit! I love playing mommy when Amanda and Justin are busy! I can’t help but wonder what he will be like in 10 or 15 years, and I can’t help but pray that since he has such amazing parents, that he grows up to be a real gentleman just like his daddy and still carries his daddy’s crazy-happy-risky spunk and his mommy’s sweet heart, caring eyes and contagious smile! The more time I spend with him, the more beautiful he becomes to me and the more it leaves me hoping for a little boy of my own in 5 years that I can stay at home wit, take care of, teach and learn from…that is something that makes me feel A LOT closer to God. The thought that he could create something so small that can change your mind, your heart…and your entire life just makes you wonder how much more can He give us to be thankful for? How could we NOT want to live our lives for Him? So my thought of the day is…maybe the way I feel about Javen is the way that God feels about us and the way we are suppose to feel about him too…an indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love. Any lasting words or thoughts??

-A Future Mommy

Passion

(insert wise words about passion)...u might be wondering why this has been left blank..well that's pretty much what my passion looks like lately..blank. Let's hope it returns soon because I am becoming uninterested in everything from social interaction to..dare I say it...God...now don't beat me with a metal pole or anything...hopefully it will soon return..and then I can sleep, eat, and live like a human instead of a zombie! I'm so lame...not to mension a new face would help.
-Beautifully Broken

Through The Long Night

I listened to a song earlier and it said "Jesus you found me through the long night you led me and set me free." When I hear that I imagine literally being held, I picture myself crying about what I've been feeling lately and being held and how my daddy used to and the way he would stroke my hair and tell me that everything would be ok and that he would be there and that making me feel better. That can never happen again, I can never have another moment like that with him and that's what I need but can't have. His love, his arms, his voice, and him comforting me. But when I hear that song it reminds me of that. I miss him so much more everyday. I miss having a family and parents...especially when I really need it. But oh well life is like the energizer bunny..it keeps going and going and going!
-Beautiful Disaster

Fairytale

So if I got to write my own fairytale here's how it would go...

Once upon a time there was an ice princess..she wasn't like the other princesses who were surrounded by tons of real cute animals, or ate bad apples. or lost a slipper...she just simply wanted somebody to love. someone to love her and longed to have somewhere and someone to belong to! She had a pure heart and often failed to see her own beauty although others saw it..they rarely reassured her of what they saw in her. As the Ice Princess sat..she often longed for her Prince to come save her. She wasn't guarded by any fir breathing dragons. or any curses..but rather guarded by her own heart. One day a sweet boy came along and she saw that he wasn't like every other guy who looked at her from the outside only to find themselves lusting over looks. He saw her every flaw...and only found beauty in each flaw. He saw her true heart...and helped her break the wall she built. He swept her off her feet completely and melted her heart. He helped her fall even more in love with the one true God..and that's why she was so attracted to him. They got happily married..and had very beautiful children!...if you wrote a fairytale about your life or something that's on your heart what would your story be?? I'm interested to see other stories! Comments? Love? Anything?? Go write your story!!
-Beautifully Broken

Beaches

So yesterday I was looking through old things and watched a video I made last summer for a friend...and after it was over I realized that last summer for me was a summer of new friendship. Then I got to thinking about the possibilities of this summer and so far...I don't know the possibilities..possibilites for any kind of life this summer is looking pretty slim...I'd like it to include a plane ride to somewhere warm....and a beach! I'd LOVE to go to the beach..SO...MUCH!! I've never been to the beach...but I'd love to spend a day at the beach and watch the sun set with one or more true friends or even take a girls trip to a beach somewhere! I want to go to the beach so badly that it has created ALOT of jealousy towards all of the people going to Florida for a wedding this week...*sigh* someday I will get to set eyes on a beach...and it will be a dream come true for me! Life goal list item: Visit a beach and watch the sun set..or rise!

-Wishfully Waiting

God and Sea Hearts

That...is something called a sea heart. They are found on exotic islands. The sea forms these stones and they wash up on shore. I think this is so cool and interesting because God is love...and we symbolize love most of the time with hearts. It reminds me that...God created this entire earth with his own hands...every little speck, every little atom. every little stone...he made specially with every bit of love he has...which is everything he is. what he stands for. Love.

-Beautiful Disaster

Love

Love. Simple word to say...hard to explain and hard to do the right way. Did you know St.Valentine (the guy who this day is named after) was killed because of his love for God? Today is Valentine's Day...and unlike most single people I wasn't depressed but angry...I woke up in an okay mood...but got to work and my co-workers made sure to make it easy for my mood to be ruined..but I love them anyways. Some of them probably don't deserve for me to show them love still but I just grin and bear it..I never show or say that I'm mad at them but in my mind I'm screaming!!...it takes so much to love people right where they're at. Love is hard...but easy...complex and simple...heartwarming...but sometimes heart-breaking. But true love...is Jesus...God is love! (agape' love). One day I won't be by myself on Valentine's Day...I will be with a smokin' hottie on a date and dot dot dot (thats from Mama Mia and you'll have to watch it to know what it means) and he will be so in love with God that THAT is what attracts me the most! Happy Valentine's Day!

Naive

Naive. To be naive means lacking experience in something, innocent, and most people use it to describe young people normally teens...but because of society today very few teens are naive and u can't keep too many things from ur kids cuz they find out anyways. A lot of people label me as "naive"...they think I don't know alot..and it bothers me. I know a lot more than they think...I don't lack any experience whatsoever in life! I just choose to not talk about what I know and my experience in certain areas...but me...I may seem naive and innocent but the truth is I'm not either of those. I actually probably missed half of my childhood..but I am strong because of it...and life goes on...I'm so lucky to even be alive since I nearly died as a baby and then completely died at age 8..but I guess my point is labels SUCK..especially when they are completely wrong!
-Beautiful Disaster

Testing Faith

Okay the past few days have been anything but good...car issues, which need to be solved soon but aren't guarunteed to be...and the new developements in these issues today...phone issues (good luck getting ahold of me unless I'm on facebook at Panera or at church), and losing my voice (my job happens to offer the best health insurance..psht!)....perfect. Either my faith is majorly being tested, or my patience is just wearing thin and missing...well speaking of missing something..I'm STILL missing my bible...hmm maybe that could be the issue?...ha yeah right, I'm kidding myself...but I NEED it at this point...yes NEED!! I honestly don't know how I'm gonna solve any of these issues....they all have to do with that stupid paper green stuff...which I have none of....but whatever...God chose..the perfect timing for all of this..so maybe he will choose the perfect timing to bring me a freaking solution!...Porkies...just ain't cutting it....AT ALL! Oh the joys of being an adult...God is growing me....I'd rather grow back down now. Pretty much at the point where I'm BEGGING Jesus to come back NOW..even though I'm honestly not sure whether I'd go to heaven or hell...
-No longer beautiful...but a Disaster for sure

Searching

This morning I was listening to a song called Catch Me When I Fall by Ashlee Simpson and its SO SAD...the life of Hollywood celebrities is SO sad! In the song she is searching for something someone to help her, be there for her and talking about how she feels like there's no one for her to go to...that no one truly cares even though there's always people around her, all they care about is her career. That she's completely lonely and she says "Who will be the one to save me from myself, who will be the one who's there, I'm not ashamed to see me crawl, who's gonna catch me when I fall.."...she said it might seem like she has everything but everything means nothing because the life she lives leaves her feeling lost. We all dream about being celebrities, or have at one point...and I myself would be lieing if I said I didn't concidering performing is a way of life for me. But I realize how truely lucky I am to have a God who is there all the time, and that I know HE has placed certain people in my life for a reason. Nicole and I were chatting last night and we both have the same feelings about different people. I am SO lucky to have people who care about me and SO thankful to have Amanda, Justin and Javen in my life....it NEVER fails to make me give glory and praise to God because that song used to be like the story of my life....before God. Today...everyday whether its a good day or a bad day....I PRAISE our faithful God and thank him for everyone he has put in my life, and how lucky I am to not have to feel that way anymore even though sometimes I still do.
-Beautiful Disaster

Praise You In This Storm

If u havent noticed I have been having major issues lately believing God in all situations...if that's how to word it. My last blog I was just SO angry at God for making me the way I am and writing my story the way its written and continuing to allow certain things to happen when I began to feel like I was at the peak of my faith and then it made me feel like it was all my fault and like I have a perminant marking on my forehead saying that its ok to hurt me and like I could have prevented it, and like I am/was serving a life sentence for what other people have done. Last night my heart sank to my stomach so many times just hearing certain words and I thought "God why do I have to serve a life sentence for things that they did to me? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who feel guilty? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who are feeling ashamed?"....the message hit home completely. God was there the whole time...in each of those situations...but I failed to look beside me. Its not easy to look past everything in those situations and praise him in the storm. Sometimes I feel so weighed down by it...and like I can't carry on because I can't find him. The thunder starts rolling and I can't hear him whispering through the rain. But I will learn and I'll praise him in this storm...I will lift my hands because his love never changes no matter where I am or what I'm going through...."and every tear I cry, you hold in your hand,you never left my sight.."....and though my heart is torn I WILL PRAISE HIM IN THIS STORM!!! If u hear anything from this I would want u to know what I am about to pray to God for and ask u to also help pray for me! God I pray, I cry out to you for your love and comfort! I pray to see u in all situations and PRAISE YOU IN THESE STORMS when my heart is torn!! Change this, that constantly leaves me feeling broken, ashamed and guilty!..that I see u standing right beside me, God, and reach for Jesus instead of wanting to die and get it over with already, to reach for Jesus instead of anything else!
-Beautifully Broken

I wanna be...

I wanna be a better me. I wanna trust God with everything in me! I wanna be beautiful...A better healthier more beautiful me. I wanna be beautiful. I'm afraid that the person I am now is making other people look at me as an ugly person all around...or at least I feel that way. I'm done with procrastination and fearing certain things. So in order to be a better me I am going to 1) work out for at least an hour each day 2) eat healthier which means hardly no more greasy food and the last is the most important 3) Study the word with Nicole AND by myself each day. Today I worked out for about an hour and then also did 500 crunches (which I'm doing 500 more with Nikki when she gets home). Working out always makes me feel a little bit better about myself...and I love the day afterwards cuz u can feel that u actually accomplished something. I am going to be pretty sore tomorrow probably..but I can't wait to do more and meet a goal..once I set one. I'm a pretty picky eater and because of that my eating habits have gone down the drain but I really wanna start eating healthier starting with greasy food...NO more..only on occasion. I already have heart problems and I'd like to be alive when I'm 20. Then there's The Word...man I'm terrible at reading it and studying it! Its a nessessity and I am terrible at it. So Nicole and I agreed that we wer going to have our own bible study, just the 2 of us then I decided I'm getting into it everyday on my own too...hmm well I have to find my bible...I lost it..oops! Well PLEASE if ya got any great tips or any good food tips for a pretty picky light eater like myself then COMMENT PLEASE!? Or if you just wanna comment on anything I said then please do so, I greatly appreciate it.
-Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster

If I were asked on a personal level right now by a close friend to describe myself I'd say that I'm a "beautiful disaster". Between what my past holds and what the present is like I could probably describe both words to a T. My past sometimes I look at it and think it made me beautiful and other times I look back with guilt, shame, hurt, and wishing it could all just be taken away because it still effects how I live day to day..if u don't know what I mean then don't try to understand but if u do I welcome conversation. Lately I have been having a HUGE issue with change. It seems like too much is happening at once and I am so overwhelmed!!!...and with my extreme emotions...lets just say it makes me feel so miserable a helpless. Change is good....but hard...but good...and I keep trying to like jedeye mind trick myself into being happy for all of these changes but the honest truth is that I'm extremely sad....and along with my emotions its miserable. I'm quick to give in but easy to give up quick to smile but easily angered quick to laugh but so easy to cry...never one side of the road...I'm always both! Life goes on...it can only get better from here..but it will get worse first.
-Beautiful Disaster

Trusting God

I am beginning to feel how hard this road actually is as opposed to taking to easy way out...I always choose to do things the hard way...I don't know why but for some reason I almost always do. When I say this road I'm talking about choosing to put Jesus Christ in the number one spot and being a Christian. No one said it was easy...if it was why would we even be here? Would there be a point to there being a God? No because if it was easy everything would be perfect! Let me tell u its far from that. Lately I have been experiencing so much change and its scarey and it feels as if God is tugging on me and completely flipping around my life. I love it and hate it at the same time. But I was reading the bible the other day and read about someone who trusted in God fully and didn't even think about whatever they were worrying about anymore because they completely trusted God had already answered their questions. That is SO hard to do!! SO HARD! Being naturally a big worryer its hard to ask God for something then let it go and not worry at all. I want to have more faith in God but fear overcomes me so much and I fall back. Many people don't know that though simply because I don't talk to that many people because I'm so shy to talk to people that I am scared of them! I literally avoid people to avoid talking to them...for example for the longest time I avoided Amanda, I would see her coming the way I was and I'd run and hide or go the opposite direction because I was SO afraid to even say hello to her. Now we are close but man it was hard to talk at first because I was so shy and sometimes I still catch myself being shy towards her and I'm like hello she's pretty much family! I dunno. I've pretty much said all I wanted to say. Trusting God is a huge issue...especially with so much change happening right now. Hopefully its all for the better!
-Beautiful Disaster

Streching

This year I am LONGING to grow my gifts so much! I'm not sure where or how to start but I know that today as I was practicing with the whole band I was getting SO upset because when I sing with the entire band I forget the harmony I am supposed to sing and not knowing the song that well doesn't help! That is why I feel not good enough, but if I wasn't would I be a part? Probably not so I obviously am! The rest of them are just more advanced than I. This year I just want to get so much better and stretch so much so that I can be just as good instead of not being. Jesus come on, I'm trusting you.

What I'm Not

I am NOT some wimpy girl who will let you step all over me. I am NOT heartless. I am NOT unloving. I am NOT ever gonna lie to someone just to tell them what they wanna hear. I am NOT just another person. I am NOT you or that other person, but I am ME...and if that's not good enough I'm NOT sorry! I am loving, giving, and my shyness and timidness can get in the way of showing who I truely am but I am deserving of at least the love of Jesus..and if that's all I've got then that's all I need. Thank you..the end.

Small Stuff

I was going through my things today organizing, getting rid of stuff and found some cards a friend gave me and began to read these cards thinking wow..we've come a long way so fast! Then I started wondering why did God create friends? Well I don't know why but I do know that for me its the littlest things that matter to me. Reading those cards made my entire night! The first time I emailed her, the small group trip to shop how we all had so much fun riding with her, doing her hair in a side ponytale to copy off the other car, her and her own versions of songs when she's being silly, our little talks, when she went with me to get 6 inches cut off my hair, getting a "makeover" before the TRI show, when it was bad outside and she stayed up late to make sure I had a place to go and having bonding time while I waited for the call back...that and so much more....the small things matter to me the most when it comes to friendship and seems to be the things I remember the most. Finding those cards tonite made me smile, warmed my heart and made me think..that THIS is why God made friendship. Thank you God so much for the gift of friendship...its much sweeter than the summer air!

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster