The Big Steel Gates Part 1: A Forever Kind of Friend

When I truly began this journey I've been on becoming a Christian, it was so hard because I don't let very many people in the big steel gates I've built around who I really am and where I truly come from. But I choose NOW that this season...here is what will make my Christmas....giving a little piece of my heart, a little bit of my attention, and a little bit of myself to anyone who is hurting for any reason at all. What made me choose to start NOW? I was sitting here at my laptop talking to my sister, and as I was listening to music one of my favorite songs came on..the one playing right now called Right Here...the lyrics to this song speak to me so much, so personally....so as this song came on I started listening to the words and then my phone vibrated, and I got a twitter and someone I am really close to said that they were so sad that their sister was moving away. Without hesitation I texted this person just to let them know that no matter what I will be there if they ever needed me (and I do mean that with every bit of passion inside of me, not even words describe)..letting you in on a little bit of what is behind the steel gates, when I truly began my journey I felt like everyone around me was leaving me, my dad died, my uncle whom I've been close to forever was thinking of moving away, then we got in a fight and he was angry at me, my grandma's cancer had come back, my mom works two jobs and I never see her, and even the relationship with some of my friends were beginning to spiral...needless to say it felt like everyone around me was leaving me, and when a person close to you moves far away, it can start to feel that same way....then I got to thinking about how much I look up to this person hoping that someday I will have as much faith and passion as they do, and be as caring and giving....and I realized that they have given so much to me, and since they gave to me, I should make a PROMISE to give it back whenever they needed it...and now is a great opportunity...
For this person: In return I promise to give a never ending unconditional loving friendship and you have captured a piece of my heart because you inspire me so much. So with as much passion as I can possibly express I'm here, right here...not because I have to be, but because I WANT to be!...and maybe someday I can inspire someone, and someone can look at my flaws and think that that is what makes me perfectly beautiful, and maybe just maybe one day someone will look up to me....imagine if.
-Beautiful Disaster

My Christmas Part 2

This is the most beautifully decorated Christmas tree I've ever laid eyes on...no joke, I've never seen a tree like this: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwzA6KGqyyULY-n08hNf-M8eNQdg-8IQpFq8jx3BYOdFWskrElFDE4aiDaFmEEr_W29XzsIbNYZpz1b5SuDC1w9-OHfPjy84GUXcJkcvH1FhcJZpIqsGd_ZwTx9R_eWf10n_h9eB35PhF/s1600-h/IMG_1955.JPG

The more Christmas is heading here fast....the more I am not caring about it much...besides the giving part, I always care about giving.....why do we make it all about the material things anyways? I am happy just remembering why we have the holiday....until I see all of the decorated houses on the outside with their light up reigndeers and light up santa's, and the beautifully decorated Christmas Trees that you can see peering through the windows from the outside of a frosty window....the more I see that stuff the more bitter I get about the holiday from wishing so much that I wasn't sitting in this tiny undecorated house...not a tree, nothing...not even a single window cling....last year I attempted to even put up some window clings and I totally got yelled at! Though I am a little bitter...at least it's teaching me that when I get a little older my house is going to be completely decked out on holidays! Someday I will have my own little family, my own little decorated home, and I won't be alone as often as I am now....I just know it. That has to be one of my biggest dreams in life...I can't wait :0) ...but for now I guess I'm going to try to embrace the holiday, be thankful that I actually have a place to live (decorated or not), and be thankful that I have the bit of family I have left even though I don't see them much, and don't know the rest of them. God has placed me here for a reason, with this family, this home, these experiences, and these belongings......and so far it has taught me ALOT and given me alot more wisdom than I should have at my age, and alot more wisdom than I show I have-->(I'm not AS innocent as I seem, been through things u might not be able to imagine)...but I just am ready for something different because this...is getting old.
-Beautifully Broken Beautiful Disaster

Tears

I was thinking about this just a minute ago. It seems like as you get older, your tears fall faster, harder, and more fall...literally. When I was younger I really don't think that my tears fell as fast as they do now, or in as much quantity either. Like the older we get, we cry differently. Is it because we've experienced heartache more? I just wonder why. I've learned to be a silent cryer so that it's easier to hide because I was always taught that crying was a sign of weakness....I certainly don't think so, but it makes me feel guilty so I still hide it...unless of course I'm sleeping and don't realize I am because I tend to cry in my sleep...oops! I have SUCH a hard time controlling my emotions...I always have....I mean u may think but it's so easy all you have to do is.....no it doesn't really work that way with me and I've tried to control them but I end up giving up because they seem to over power me even tho I am way bigger! I never know where to start...my emotions is just something you have to see and experience because it's just unexplainable really. Where do I start to begin taking control of my emotions? I am really sick of tears...my eyes burn
-Christianna Denise

A Healthy Reminder

Yesterday I watched a movie called Wall-E...I was expecting one of those awww how cute kind of kids movies...and it was but I also realized that there was MORE to that movie than just a cute kids character!...and it kind of opened my eyes a little bit! Austin has inspired this post with his recent post. So anyways here is why this movie opened my eyes...The plot...Wall-E is a little trash compacter, and every day he goes out compacts trash and he makes skyscrapers out of the trash squares that he compacts. Wall-E and his little cockroach friend are the only ones left on earth because us humans didn't take care of the earth and there was so much waste on the earth that we could no longer live here, it was so bad that NO life form even exsisted on the earth anymore! Not grass, not trees NOTHING, there was only a bunch of waste, trash, garbage, and dirt! Since us humans couldn't live on the earth anymore we moved out to space and we lived in this HUGE space shuttle like thing and we were all fat, so fat that we couldn't even walk, NO ONE was skinny at all because technology advanced so much that the robots did EVERYTHING for us...brushed our teeth, our hair, dressed us, helped us get places...everything. So then I started really thinking about the plot...When we throw things in the garbage and the garbage man takes it, where does it go? To a big landfield type thing....so really eventually those landfields are going to be full, then where are they gonna put the trash?...evenutally the earth could look like that if we do not take care of it. I have decided I am going to research and study about going green, then I'm gonna do it! All of you may be sick of people telling u to go green BUT it is SO very important and you don't even realize it! Please research and study going green with me and then get as many people as possible to go green with you!!

It Takes Talent

I am not really all that sure what my talents are yet...I'm still playing around a bit with the things I know I 100% never get bored of doing and do pretty much 24/7. I know that I love to sing, and dance, and do the whole performance thing....but I don't know if I'm any good at it, I just like to do it, and am not ashamed of it. I am constantly thinking "I wish I was better at it" "I wish I sang as good as this person or that person" "I wish I danced as good as this person" "I wish I could amaze people like this person, or that person" "I wish I was so good at something that I make someone's heart melt every time I do that" "I wish I had an amazing opportunity to share what I love to do"....it takes talent. If I didn't doubt myself all the time, or allow myself to get let down I might be more sure of myself and I wouldn't think "Oh I must not be pretty enough, I must not be good enough, I'm not good enough, ect". But the truth is, we are all good at different things, and some people are better at things than others...are we ever good enough? Are we as humans ever good enough to do this, that or the other thing? Maybe, maybe not....but I do know that we ARE good enough to receive the unexplainable love of Jesus...and that's all that should matter...but why is it never enough? That should be enough!! WHY ISN'T IT?! WHY IS IT THAT I FEEL I AM CONSTANTLY BEING TOLD THAT I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT TO BE BETTER AT SINGING, DANCING, ACTING, MODELING, OR WHATEVER IT IS?! WHY IS IT THAT WE HAVE TO WANT SO MUCH TO BE BETTER, OR TO BE GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW YOU CAN DO IT LIKE THE OTHER PERSON?! THE LOVE OF JESUS, THE LOVE OF GOD, JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS...THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH!! I don't understand why I have to dig so so so deep into things when I get the teeniest chance at taking the smallest shovel to the dirt! Father God, please I pray with as much passion as possible that you can show me PATIENCE, and show me somehow that your love, Jesus' love is ENOUGH...and it's all I need because nothing else will ever make me as happy as knowing that you truly made me a new creation, and that I can't find that kind of love, and acceptance anywhere else!

My Christmas Wish List

My Christmas wish lists are always filled with these kinds of things rather than "stuff"...some of you might think it's pathetic, but this is 200% SERIOUSLY my Christmas wish list this year...

*A clean bill of health-let me tell you my last visit was anything but that and considering when ppl were out of town for the marriage treat I was in the hospital, sick...this happens to be a far fetch of a wish considering I do NOT have insurance anymore which means it costs a fortune for me to even walk in the freaking door!
*Court to be OVER already!-it's freaking been a YEAR! I don't even care as long as my daddy finally gets a gravestone! That's all I ask for out of this...I don't care about that mean, greedy lady who none of us knows, I don't care about the company and all of the workers lieing through their teeth about pretty much everything (okay I care a little), but solely I don't care about any of that as long as daddy gets his gravestone finally!..he deserves it! Sure he made mistakes, who doesn't?...but he deserves to at least have one!
*I want my family to come to church with me...at least once!!
*Cancer/sickness healing of my 3 close family members-It hurts me so much to see them suffering! With all of the heavy medication I am never sure what the day is going to bring...Are they going to accidentally burn the house down while no one is watching and there's no one to be there with them? Are they going to wake up today? Are they going to accidentally overdose on their medication because they are so out of it? Are they going to hurt ME because they don't realize what they're doing? I just never know. What the heck is the point of stupid chemotherapy anyways?! All it does is make you even more sick and then 90% of the time the person just ends up dieing from getting so sick from the chemotherapy because it didn't help and the cancer just spread further. I hate seeing people suffer, especially when they are close to me....on my list of things I absolutely hate I have to say that this makes the top 3, that's how much I hate it!

Footprints In The Sand...

In the poem Footprints in the sand by Mary Stevenson, a man has a dream that he's walking along the beach with God while scenes from his life are flashing in the sky. For most of the scenes the man sees two sets of footprints in the sand, one belongs to him, one belongs to God but the man noticed that during the really tough times in his life, there was only ONE set of footprints..he began assuming that there was only one set of footprints because during those hard times God left him alone...The man then asked God why he left him alone in such difficult times in his life...and God replies that he didn't leave the man alone, he was carrying the man during those times and that's why there was only one set of footprints. It is neat to hear other people's perspectives on this poem because everyone has a different perspective. Solely the meaning of this poem is to let us know that we are never alone...sometimes you may see only one set of prints, but don't be mistaken, it's not because God has abandoned you, it's because you have failed to realize that he's carrying you. Now think about a footprint, when someone leaves a footprint anywhere, even if the footprint goes away sight wise, it's still there because our skin will leave traces of oil there...even though we can't see it. In a same but different kind of way, our friends leave footprints in our hearts..10 years down the road you might not even hang out at all but when you see something that reminds you of a friend, even if you haven't hung out, you'll say oh this reminds me of the time me and...went here. Each of my friends and family have left their mark, their footprints, in my heart, and in my life..they've all taught me SOMETHING and no matter how big or small of a difference they think that something will make or has made, it's something that I will take to heart, learn from, and dish out in tons of love!!..and I hope that the same way they've left theirs, I leave mine! Think about this...Who has made footprints in your heart? In your life? Have you told them lately how much you love and appreciate them? I try to tell the ones I love that I love them as much as I can because one of the things I learned from my dad's death is that you NEVER KNOW when it's supposed to be their time, and we take lightly to the words I Love You almost as if we're taking it for granted...CHERISH each moment, soak it in, and let them know how much you love them....I mean this in this strongest way possible: I LOVE YOU!!

Comparison...

We all compare ourselves, other people, and other things everyday...we might not even think about it most of the time, but we do. Seriously take a second to think....what things did you compare today? When it becomes a problem is when it starts controlling any part of your life, your thoughts and causes you to act in any way that might hurt you or someone else. 90% of the time when we are making comparisons it's comparing ourselves with someone else....which most of the time causes us to look down on ourselves almost as if we get mad at ourselves for not being like or better than that other person. Why should we look down on ourselves? Does God look down on us in a bad way? I am having to constantly remind myself of this because I'm comparing myself 24/7....and even constantly reminding myself is not enough. It's hard for me to accept any kind of compliments from anyone because I'm like, oh they're just trying to be nice and make me feel good about myself, so they compliment me and I'm like thanks and in my head I'm thinking thanks but I beg to differ. Sometimes its just so hard to control your thoughts...I mean really how does a person even begin to change something that has sunk in for 10years...it takes time....and it's hard to know where to begin, which is why I keep falling, getting back up, and falling all over again...then I think okay this time I won't fall....and BAM!...find myself on the floor again (not literally). Hmm....where to begin? constantly reminding myself is doing nothing for me obviously, and that and pray is what I've been told to do...sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough but what more could I do? Anything is possible right?...it just feels like the opposite for the situation. GOD, CATCH MY HEART IN THE FLAME OF YOUR FIRE THAT NEVER DIES OUT!!!!!

Growing Together...

Think about the word grow. What does it mean? In the dictionary it says the word grow means to increase by natural development, to become gradually attached or united by, and to become. All three of those definitions can also be the definition of the reason for small groups....The more we get to know the people the more we grow and are united by the love of Christ and it helps us become closer to each other but more importantly we are growing in the love of our savior together! I love love love the Blest girls with everything in me....that's a pretty strong statement, but seriously I would give my life for any of them and no matter what the cercumstances, they make me want to praise God for being so good to me and having them in my life! The first time I went to small group I was sick, lost my voice, and I still wanted to go..and two of the girls had pranked Amanda through texting, and it was hilarious to hear the story...I felt very welcome the first time I went although I was pretty shy, I did feel welcome, plus I had already knew one girl from the small group I was in before this one! (I didn't feel like I fit in at all in that one)...fast forward and I have to state, I really don't care if anyone thinks I am biased but I seriously have the best small group ever...I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone even better! Shout outs- BLEST, I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND NOTHING LESS!!! Amanda- You really are a great leader, and a great role model too!...and I am looking forward to getting to know you all better.
-Christianna

The Cause of Bad Days

I'm pretty much having a bad couple of days and when it starts to get better something else always happens....bad days make me want to jump in front of a moving train and be done with it already!...it's pretty extreme, but for a person with previous suicidal thoughts, it's not. It feels like I'm standing in the pouring rain getting soaked with no way to get out of it, like everyone is locking their doors when I try to come in from the rain. I'd rather jump off a bridge...or better yet follow in my dad's footsteps and fall through a skylight..I mean really come on!! What makes me feel like that again? When everything is such a mess and starts resulting in relationship failing....which ding ding ding that's pretty much been my past few days. If I were lieing to you I would be telling you that everything is fine, and that I am not being hindered from God, and Jesus Christ, if I were lieing I would be telling you that I'm okay and I haven't been having suicidal thoughts for the past few days that have caused multiple bad panic attacks where I nearly pass out....WHILE DRIVING! Last night I went to Friday night worship...and there were a couple prayers in particular that hit the spot....Mady was apparently spoken to by God, that's not a lie, and told her that there was some kind of blockage some kind of wall being built and it was blocking my relationship with him...and when she told me that I thought of earlier that day when I had thought about just quitting and not going to church for a while. Then some other lady went up to the mic and apparently God spoke to her too, sounded like, and...I am choosing to not even get into that one on here, but that too just hit home. Then this morning my morning started off with a big bang...let me tell you....and it included arguing with 3 different people over twitter, and text. Needless to say......DAYYYY PLEEEEASE GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS PLLLEASE, I'M FREAKING BEGGING YOU TO GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...please :0(

Who Will Be?

I bought the new Building 429 cd today and I LOVE it! There are a couple songs in particular that speak to me alot and two quotes from one of them are in my head right now....
"Everybody needs a friend now and then to come and pick their heart up again, when everything gets shattered, Everybody needs someone to understand, Someone to just come and hold their hand to be there through disaster.."
"You say you don't need anyone but I know when you come undone that you might change your story, I don't know if you're listening but when you feel like giving in, I'm gonna hold you in these arms cause all I am is a word away.."
Reread those quotes from that song! At the end of the song it says that God is there and then goes back to the chorus where he sings on how he wants to be that person, the shoulder to cry on, the person to hold you when you're lonely and never leave you. And it's true, everyone needs someone....and I want to be that someone to someone else..and I also NEED for someone to be that someone to me, but who will be? Who is or will be that person who will remind me that when I lose myself, God will find me? Jesus never fails to drench my heart in love when I really need it...which means he will be sending me his love really soon, not sure in what shape, or form, but I am putting my trust in him for that someone.
-Christianna Denise

I Believe Always My Savior Never Fails!

Have you ever had one of those moments where you don't have to take even a second to think about it before you say it was truly a God moment? Don't those moments just touch your heart? The other day I was cleaning and all of a sudden out of nowhere my Grandma came to my mind and literally 5 seconds later she called my cell....it was such a wierd feeling when I thought of her out of the blue and then she called my phone. My heart is just so DRENCHED in love right now that it's overwhelming!...but also is so broken and hurt! Sometimes I feel like my heart is floating in the air looking for a place to rest, my heart is so overwhelmingly drenched in his love right now because my heart is hurting pretty bad right now. Nicole and I took my Grandma to the mall yesterday and it was the most stressful and most sad thing that I've seen lately! Since she has cancer she is on some pill that makes her kinda loopy and just not all there...and she kept repeating herself, she walked out the door when Nicole and I weren't looking and was looking for Walgreens even though 5 mins before that we already told her it wasn't around there, then when we went to the food court to get food she went to one place and paid for food then walked off before she even got her food at that place and went and got food somewhere else and didn't even get her money back, she just walked away! The last time Nicole saw her she was her normal self and she didn't expect that, at all and she thought she was getting alztimers or something then I told her it was the medication she was on. Then today I remembered the song and story that the lead singer from Building 429 told us/sang us at the concert I went to with Cassie, and he told us about a lady who lost her 3yr old son because he got murdered by her exhusband and that he couldn't sleep one night and wrote this song Always and that lady's story reminded him of his own pain when his dad left him and his mom...and I also relate to the song with my own stories of my past, and my dad, and my now my Granny....then he told us that God knows our pain and his promise remains that he'll always be with us and he will NEVER fail to keep his word even when we feel there is no hope left, He's there. Thank you God, for never failing, and that you are a faithful deliverer! I might be hurting, but you never fail to drench my heart in love when I really need it! "I believe always, always our savior never fails, and even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain, and his promise remains, and he will be with you always!"
-Christianna Denise

Digging In The Dirt

So here are just some final thoughts that were running through my head after the leadership meeting that have been kind of lingering in the air for a lil bit now. I do not feel like a leader..not one bit...should I feel like a leader? I'm not sure...but I clearly remember at The Mix when he called all of the leaders to go up and be prayed for first...I did not go up but I was questioning...Should I go up? Am I included?...and I decided to not go up because I feel I am not involved enough to be called a leader....I am a small part of a big thing. I volunteer in the nursery, I am a back up singer for N.W., I volunteer in the Cafe'...I am just a small part of those things, so do I matter? When I looked at all of the leaders going up, I didn't go up because to me I am not really a leader and I'm too small, too young, too inexperienced in comparison to them and that is what drove me to stay in my seat..I didn't want people to look up there and see me and go, since when was she a leader? She's a leader?....It has always been in me that when I am involved in something, I like to dig deep in the dirt when it comes to whatever I am involved in...for example I started dancing, then tumbling/gymnastics and not too long after I decided to compete in both because I wanted to dig deeper into it, learn more about it, and be more involved with it rather than just go to class and that's it...I wanted to be counted on for something, because obviously in dance if you compete you are expected to do your best and work as a team, and each person counts because if you don't work as a team you are all off and you obviously aren't going to even place! I deeply truely ENJOY digging further in the dirt when I am involved in things....so I guess when it comes to leadership and how I am involved in things...I just don't feel like I am being dug into the dirt enough to call myself a leader...but I do honestly enjoy what I'm involved in!...Here's the other side of this...Do the people we concider "leaders" call THEMSELVES leaders?..or Do they sometimes feel the way I do? I see leaders as people who have dug into the dirt so far they begin to see water...they've dug into what they do further than I have....and I am LONGING to just dig deep enough to find water, and I hope that THAT opportunity will arise! What are you digging further towards? How far have you dug into the dirt?
-Christianna Denise

The Mix 08' Aftermath

So lately my emotions have been going haywire on me anyways, but The Mix 08' freaking ROCKED me! I've never cried so much, so hard, I've never cried so many different emotions in my life....I'm actually sad that it's over. At first I felt like I wasn't ready to be in charge, I wasn't ready to be a roomleader, or any kind of leader for that matter!....and now where I wish to be is there, and I didn't want to leave!....I'd do it again! I realized how truly broken I still was from things I thought I had let go, until then and keeping my TRUE feelings inside for so long (1 year and 10 years) has left a huge gash in my heart, that is now waiting to be mend back together!...I realized how alone I still felt, how hurt I still was from this 10 year burden....and once I let go I realized that it had created a gash in my heart because of how much it truely effected me and that the gash it left needs to be mend back together. I also felt like I grew up a little too. When I was about 9 or 10 I started hanging out with my mom and her friends more than my own friends, and I became much older at a young age and then completely stopped hanging around with my own friends because I was much more mature mentally then they were...when my mom and her friends would talk about "grown up things" as they called it I would listen and then go to someone later about anything I didn't understand and they'd explain it to me...eventually when I was 11 I didn't have to ask anyone really what these things meant...I already knew. Then fastforward some years and in highschool I kind of tried to unlearn some of the things I knew that I shouldn't have known at such a young age, so I started hanging out with kids younger than me and I started acting younger, instead of acting more my age...and I had been stuck there ever since. I naturally feel more comfortable hanging around with people who are older than me, rather than people who are my age, or younger than me and when I was 9 or 10 I shouldn't have, but now I need to...I need to hang out with people who are older than me and are good examples...so needless to say if you are in your 20 somethings, and I know you, hit me up if you're bored and or just wanna hang!
Father, I thank you that you are a faithful deliverer! Thank you for messing me up this weekend!
-Christianna Denise