I wanna be...

If you know me, you know that I always stay up rediculously late. Well this morning around 1a.m. I got a text from a friend telling me she got locked outta her house and didn't know where she was gonna go but I didn't get the text till 3 when I checked my phone. When I called her, her phone was dieing and she was running out of gas...After much effort she finally let me pick her up..so this morning at 3a.m. I set out to Davenport to help a very good friend (if you don't know I live in MoTowN!). I didn't get home till about 4a.m....but I don't care because her safety matters to me more than me getting enough sleep! Thank you God for technology because without it I'm sure she would probably be stranded somewhere!

This is who I long to be-I wanna be someone who is remembered by the little things I do
I wanna be the girl who can always make someone else's day even if I can't make my own
I want to be more than just a pretty face (even if I disagree with anyone that I am)
I want to make a difference
I wanna be okay and
I want to matter.

2009- A Year for Change

Extreme..frustration, depression, sadness, anger, guilt, suicidal temptations, numbness, loneliness....sadly and ashamingly...These are all feelings that I deal with on a day to day basis. Somedays I can just deal with it and shrug it off like it's nothing and ignore it to continue on my day, and somedays the extremeity overwhelms me and it's extremely difficult to deal with and I'm not sure what to do with myself or how I can help it other than the normal read, pray, quote method..is it bad that sometimes that doesn't work and I wish there was more I could do? I have yet to miss a day of flowing tears and am surprised I haven't broken my tear ducts by now..seriously. I feel helpless and a little miserable. Then today I decided to go take a breather at the park and God decided to speak to me and he introduced me to the word "change" again and I've been ignoring the fact that my home has become a burden. SO....for 2009 one of my most important goals is to battle these extreme feelings I have!....starting with "home" and "job"...this is going to be difficult and it seems almost impossible but with the help of God and my 5 foot sidekick/sista from anotha motha/fabtastical luv/BFF...I hope it becomes possible! I have to truely trust God with all of my soul because "I believe ALWAYS ALWAYS that our savior NEVER fails!!" God spoke this to me, so obviously it's supposed to happen. But now I just need to know how and where to start.
-Beautiful Disaster

Time and Love

Time is so precious and we take advantage of it and don't even realize it. We plan things weeks months, years ahead of time and then forget to take in the moment we are living RIGHT NOW...THIS SECOND...AND THIS ONE....AND THIS ONE! And we often forget to thank God for staying alive another second, minute, hour, day, month, week, year, ect. Our time here is SO SO SOOOOO PRECIOUS!!! This morning a friend called me and told me that one of the kids we went to high school with and talked to had gotten shot in the head yesterday and killed! Then a little bit ago another friend told me that her cousin got killed yesterday also! Their families without a doubt had presents under the tree for them, and they are probably still sitting in the same place unwrapped hoping that it's all just a dream expecting them to walk in the door any second and unwrap them. The thought of knowing that haunts me...and I couldn't stop thinking about it all day. I think knowing how much I can relate just adds to the weight of it all. Last year I bought my dad's gift months in advance and wrapped it...I never set it under the tree, but it was in my room...I did eventually unwrap it...but the gift is still on my shelf along with the special note I wrote and stuck inside! Take this second and THANK GOD that you are still living and breathing on this earth because you never know what could happen two seconds from now to you or to anyone you might know. And I say this with everything in me: IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT YOU TELL THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND HOW MUCH!!....because you never know the plans God has for them seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, from now!! Please....express your love to the people you care about, it's not something that should be put as lightly as it is. More importantly it's so important to talk to the people around us about Jesus about God....and I really wish that I had gotten the opportunity to talk to these people before they got called home. Well...I've got a stye in my eye that hurts pretty badly and it feels like my eye is gonna fall out, so I'm going to go...but I really hope that what I've said sinks in even a little bit.
-Just Christianna

Gone

So last night I was in an emo mood...well that's what it would be categorized as...but anyways I am normally a joyful person, but just I felt emoish yesterday and well I decided to write emo lyrics to go with my mood...I felt better afterwards :0)...well anyways...I was contemplating on whether or not to post these lyrics or not but I decided to....WARNING-I'm not gonna lie they are pretty depressing...This wasn't really aimed towards anyone in particular so if you think I'm angry at you I am not, I promise! Well without further ado..here is Gone:


How would you feel if I was gone tomorrow?
Would you feel bad for ignoring my scream?
Would you feel okay for not wiping my tears
that stream down my face and soak my sleeve?
Could you live with yourself knowing you ignored my cry?
Asking God why like I did many times

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

Am I even that important?
Do you even care?
The tears still stream each night
And soak my sleeves
As I listen to the sound of blowing leaves
How many times did you ignore her screams
asking God why?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

I've asked God many times
Where do I belong?
Can't you hear my cry?
Can you look me in my tear filled eyes
and tell me it'll be alright?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?

If I was gone gone gone
How would you feel?
If this moment when away
Would you have anything to say?
If I was gone

© Christianna Crosby December 2008

A Place In This World

I've been searching to find my place in this world for quite sometime. I'm not quite sure where I fit in, where I'm supposed to be, or where my future is even headed...all I know is that I want my own family, a husband, kids, and I already have great friends. Although I have great friends, and I make sure to tell them all as much as I can how much I really do love them (undescribably so), even though I have them, sometimes I still walk around feeling like I don't fit in, like I'm not accepted, wearing my heart on my sleeve, like something is missing...in my heart I know I feel somethings missing....a place in this world. Lately I've had the strongest calling to the city of Davenport and I've always said that I wanted to move away to a BIG city like Chicago, or New York, L.A. because of the opportunities I could have...but I know that I would just be so much more alone than I am now and I wouldn't be able to move so far away from my friends. I really wanna move to Davenport, live there, and work there. Could that be my place in this world? I know that I know that I KNOW that God didn't set me on this world without a purpose...everyone has a purpose! But I don't know what it is....and I know I know I know pray and ask God for an answer...is it bad of me to say that sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough? Probably. I honestly don't feel called at all to go back to college...I didn't feel called to it in the first place, I'm not smart...but if I don't then my entire family will look down on me, or maybe they already do cuz they sure do forget about me alot.

God, I just want to find my place...where do I belong? GOD PLEASE DIRECT ME SOMEWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING NOWHERE, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN A BLACK HOLE...help...please?
-Lost Seeking Soul

Disorder

This morning I was watching a show on mtv...and it was about these people who have O.C.D. I came to the conclusion that O.C.D. is basically a disorder that holds you captive because of fears....basically for example if you fear something you will do odd things like count each step you take, wash your hands a certain number of times, make a weird noise a certain of times because when you start fearing those things you start feeling overwhelmingly anxious to do SOMETHING to replace the fear you have and make you feel better so doing those things is kind of like a security blanket. I can relate a little bit.
I too have been held captive by my own disorder...I'm getting better..I think..I hope...but anyways. About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Panic/Anxiety Disorder...it had gotten so bad that it earned me a one way ticket to the E.R.!! After I got out about a week later I had a doctors appointment to check on how I was doing since my E.R. visit and she basically said that it will always be there but if it gets so bad that it keeps me from doing things I normally do, keeps me up at night and keeps me from maybe coming out of my house that I should get another appointment set up right away and they'd put me on medicine. I was not about to have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life, but it did get worse. I started staying at home more often, and I HATED driving anywhere but work and home, almost as if I was afraid to go any further. I got about 2hours of sleep a night, and even though I was always completely exsausted I still wouldn't go to bed. Now it's a little better...I am normally always on the go and don't like staying home that much, but on occation I get homesick and stay home...I usually go to bed now around 1-3am but lately I've been going to bed around 11-12 and I wake up around 8. BUT I ALWAYS have panic attacks! At least one everyday because I panic alot when I'm driving. I panic sometimes about the stupidest things...like tonight I fell down the stairs and my pinky was/still is numb...and I'm like what if I broke it? What if I did this or that? What if I die? I know how stupid this may sound to you, you may even be laughing at me right now...but this is such a serious disorder, and sometimes it still holds me captive! No matter how much you can say to not think about "what if's" it's harder than you could imagine because this disorder is all about "what if's" and little worries...but sometimes I feel better when I start panicing I quote that "give your worries to me.." scripture and I feel okay, but it doesn't always work so my last resort is to just wait it out and hopefully I don't like freak out worse and pass out. Needless to say YES I am still working on it....I am refusing to let this stupid "DISORDER" control my life!! I wish that those people with O.C.D. would do the same!!

Hidden Talent

Nicole, and I were sitting yesterday talking and she brought up a subject that is barely talked about that I believe we could all learn to grow!...Hidden talent/Hidden Gifts! A hidden talent is described as a gift you have that not very many people know about, or a gift you know you have but don't try to excel in and kinda push it behind you like it's not as important so that no one knows about it. Everyone has one. For example...one of mine is writing. I write stories, poems, songs, and have even won multiple awards and gotten them published online and in books!...but not many people know this because I don't really talk about it as much as I do performing....but I really do enjoy writing. I think that instead of hiding our gifts we should embrace every gift God has given and handpicked for us, tap into them more and get as good at them as we are the at the gifts we use all the time! So I was really seriously interested to know...what are YOUR hidden talents????? And how do you think you can tap into that gift more??
-Beautiful Disaster

Busy body

At one point I was sooo busy between cheerleading, dance and tumbling practice and dance competitions, dance team at school, and acting that I was cutting it pretty close with timing...but I had a schedule and I loved it! I can't help but love running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...it's just fun and I enjoy it! Most people hate it, but not me, I am such a GO'ER! I know that was put in me for a reason...but why? Because it sucks at times like now lately when I am LONGING for it! I mean I love it on Mondays that I have to go from work straight to practice...and I love waking up Wednesdays knowing I probably have things waiting for me to do at the church....and I love it on Sundays when I have both church services but serve at one of them then have small group at 3:30 and once a month have leadership meeting to tie into the already busy Sunday. But what about the rest of the days? I obviously work...but I only usually work from 11-4 and that's pretty much it!...(and honestly I feel like I need to be doing something I ENJOY)...like for example..I love making picture/video videos for people and I could spend hours putting together videos..but what if I made my own kind of business out of it and turned it into a side job or something and made videos for like peoples weddings, birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions?...my mom actually suggests this everytime I show her a new video I've made. Well I dunno what I am gong to do about my longing for being a busy body....but I am definately ready for something because I long so badly I don't know what to do with myself anymore. When I tell people that I like to be busy, most of them say things that are negative, and tell me that being a busy body isn't a good thing...but I guess what bothers me the most is that the person is usually someone who doesn't understand me..I wish people understood me better because maybe then I would start to understand myself better. Hmm...this is the beginning of another long journey...
-Beautiful Disaster

Cold Night

So I was on my way home tonight from the home of a family who have helped me grow so much, and inspire me to thirst for God, and want so much more out of life...so as I was driving I was thinking about how much the LITTLE things matter to me, a smile, laughter, and the happiness they show that has rubbed off on their sweet little one and as my heart was warmed by their beautiful little guy, lyrics started just FLOWING to my mind and I couldn't help but come home, write them down, and perfect them. The song is called Cold Night...here are the lyrics..the part inside of the brackets is the bridge. P.S. Please DON'T steal my lyrics unless 1) You are the family who inspired the song or 2) You get my permission

Cold Night

I wanna cuddle
Just wanna hold you tight
That sweet little smile
Just makes me cry
Knowing God sent you here
warms my heart
Being without you
Would tear me apart

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

You are so precious
When I hear your call
Much more beautiful
Than the First snowfall
Tiny hands tiny Feet
Tiny little nose
You're so beautiful to me
Someday I hope you know

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
Makes me so warm
On this cold night (cold night)

{-You are proof that the little things matter
The way you say hello, and goodbye
You're tiny but that big personality
Brings tears to my eyes-}

Cause It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)

Yeah It's a Cold night,
Sittin' here with a little one
By my side,
And I'm alright
sittin' here as I watch you sleep
While my love for you grows
so deep (so deep)
You make me so warm (so warm)
On this cold night
Yeah on this cold night
Cold night

© Christianna Crosby December 2008

Big Steel Gates Part 4: Just A Dream

If I had known that that night at work had been the last time I was gonna see him, I woulda spent all night talking to him, and held on as long as I could. My daddy was always there...and I hid it, from my friends, and family because anytime I ever told them I had talked to my daddy, or went to see him, they would make fun of me....so I hid it and none of them know that he was my rock, that I talked to him all the time, and that we were bonded so tightly together. This is the hardest thing that I've EVER had to go through and experience. Who is your best friend? Imagine losing that person suddenly one day to a tragic accident, knowing that the night before you had JUST saw them and they were just fine! I miss him SO much all the time...and ESPECIALLY during the holidays...I'm not going to lie, I have spent many sleepless nights, many nights crying myself to sleep over how deeply it hurts wondering when it gets easier. Seeing my baby sister (13) hurting just as much as me, and seeing my big sissy who was searching for my dad and never got to meet him before she found out he was gone...my heart, just hurts, SO much for them! Sometimes if I close my eyes, and think about all of the times my daddy held me in his arms so tight just to say I love you, I can almost feel his arms wrapped around me again...but it just doesn't compare. I know that if it had been someone else, and my daddy was still here, he would be holding me right now, and I can almost hear his voice saying "Baby, it's gonna be alright, I'm right here"...just like he did summer 07' when we found out my granny had cancer, and just like the night I got rushed to the hospital that summer. But when I almost hear his voice, and almost feel his warm arms wrapped around me, I open my eyes and realize that it's just a dream...and I know I was hoping that when I was standing in front of his casket staring at his stiff body, and the bruises that they tried to hide, standing there as we put flowers on his casket before it was lowered hoping wishing that I could die and go with him, I KNOW I was hoping that it was just a dream...but it wasn't.
-Daddy's Girl
"God be the solution.....Be a father to the fatherless.."

Big Steel Gates Part 3: Behind Closed Doors

Like I said in part 1...I kind of have a big steel gate built around who I really am, and what has shaped me to be the way I am, and not very many people know my complete true heart..some may know half but I tend to leave the other half unsaid for them to find themselves, if I want them to..for some people I open up kinda quickly and others it takes time and patience. But here's another inside scoop on me.
The statement on the picture says "Tears are words the heart can't say"...and I have come to notice how true that is! When I was 10 I moved to a different school and had to make new friends (for the 3rd time) and I used to get made fun of alot because I wore glasses and I always wore my hair in a braid, so they would call me names like brady bunch, or just some stupid childish names..I never really said anything back to them to defend myself, I just kinda completely shut them out and ignored them even though sometimes the taunting got so bad that they were in my face SCREAMING threats, and calling me names, pushing me, shoving me, breaking the things that belonged to me....there may have been a couple times when I've did something just as mean back to them, but other than that I either ignored it or just looked them in the eye with a smile on my face and walked away, I always though I'd ...but the truth is I would go home everyday, go in my room, and just ball...but then I would go back to school the next day and put my tough mask on again and pretend that they never even hurt me. Those same people taunted me all through junior high also..finally in 8th grade at the end of the year we had a talent show, I tried out, made it, and did a dance solo on stage in my dance outfit and after that none of them ever picked on me again and wanted to befriend me all of a sudden...to this day I can still remember that dance! But as I sit and think about it now and think about that statement on the picture above..yeah I cried because what they said hurt my feelings, but it was a much deeper feeling that I cannot explain and because I couldn't really explain what that feeling was all I could do was cry. Not very many people have seen me cry, I hate crying in front of people makes me feel guilty and ashamed, I'm more of a cry behind closed doors kind of person, but when I cannot hold my tears back and allow myself to cry in front of someone usually it means that something really is wrong. To end this post...it's been a long road getting to where I am at, and sometimes I may show joy, and happiness..but you just never know what's going on and what's happening behind the steel gates closed doors! Have you ever built a gate around who you truely are? What kind of things are behind YOUR big steel gate?

Big Steel Gates Part 2: So small, SO BIG!

It's so funny how something so small can be SO BIG in life, happiness, joy, love and make you love more than you ever thought possible. Something that can bring happy tears to your eyes so much because it just reminds you of how BIG God is, and how much MORE he loves us! A year ago if you would have asked me if I planned to have kids when I was older...I woulda told you yes but only one, and I didn't want a boy...and I was probably going to adopt it as opposed to having it the natural way. God did a big thing for me when he brought me to The Rock and introduced me to this little guy...and his family! I have always loved kids...I actually started looking after and helping taking care of my aunt's little girl and boy since I was about 10 or 11 and I changed their diapers, gave them baths, fed them, played with them, all of the things you should know how to do when you're taking care of a child....and when I was little house used to be my favorite game...most little girls you know always want to play the baby, but I ALWAYS loved to play the mommy....but even tho I love kids I still woulda told you that I only wanted ONE. When I got introduced to this church, this family, and this ONE little boy..all of that CHANGED for me. Now if you asked me how many kids I want, I will more than likely tell you 4 at the most and 2 at the least because I want one girl and one boy at least..and that I can't wait to have my own family and hopefully raise my kids in a happy Christian home....and I am still pondering that thought of having them myself (its a start cuz before I wouldn't have even pondered the thought before moving on to adoption)...but I KNOW I DO want to adopt AT LEAST one of my kids!! I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much, I never knew that I could love someone so much, feel so much, feel so important! I NEVER knew that someone SO small, could be SO BIG!...before God brought me here, to this city, this church, this family, and this little boy. <3
-Na Na

Response to: So many options

So many times I sit here and think man, I wish I had artistic ability, I wish I could play guitar, I wish I could learn to play the piano better, I wish I could sing like her, I wish I could dance like that....but I have discovered that it's because I am not 100% sure of my capabilities. I haven't completely discovered what I am fully capable of yet and since others question whether I'm good enough at the only things I really know (performing), I also question whether I'm good enough and often bring myself down because my talent doesn't measure up to this person's or that person's. Ever since I was old enough to stand on my own my mother could always tell that I had a love for dancing and music as a whole. She said when I wasn't able to stand on my own at about 6 months she would stand me up on her lap and turn on the music and I would start moving my feet and bouncing up and down to the beat of the music and as soon as they turned the music on I started screaming and crying but when they turned it back on I stopped crying and started bopping along with the music again. Then when I was a little older probably about 3-5 I started begging my mom to put me into dance classes, and telling everyone that when I grew up I was gonna be a ballerina, lol. Well then when I turned 10 I finally got my wish with a little something extra: gymnastics! I did the whole dance thing, and gymanstics, and my mom believed in me enough to let me compete. To this day I would still LOVE to be in every dance class possible, do gymnastics and compete....and I would LOVE to be an actress and do shows....I would LOVE to sing, dance, and act my heart out in front of millions of people, I absolutely LOVE the stage life, the 2 minute scene changes, the 1 minute costume changes backstage, the crunch time and busyness the week of the show, I love every second of it BUT I don't want to do it for me anymore....I want to do it for his glory! I want to do it to inspire others to live for Christ too!! I also enjoy writing, and have been blessed with the gift to write great things....I have won awards, and also gotten my work published in a book!! I would LOVE to write a play or a musical, be in it, and cast others to play other parts and perform it on stage someday! I would also LOVE to be a part of a BIG production someday! If money were NOT and object I would hop on a plane to New York right now (and I'd bring some friends), and I'd go to audition, after audition and I'd get a modeling and talent agent from Ford Models, Elite Model Management or any other of the big names. I have BIG BIG dreams that would take ALOT of wishing hoping and praying to even get a foot in any kind of door. BUT of them all two of my biggest dreams are to become a mommy and a wife and at least adopt 1 child and raise a wonderful family and hopefully be a great mommy and wife, AND to greatly impact someone's life and inspire someone for the glory of the one and only savior! The most important thing to me when it comes to my gifts is that God gets all of the glory for what I do instead of ME because if it weren't for him nothing would be possible. The sun wouldn't shine, the stars wouldn't exsist, and the people in your life that inspire you wouldn't exsist either. How could you look around at everything made so beautifully and NOT think that there's a God that created it all with his own hands?