Things To Work On

Here a some things I've discovered that I need to work on...If you wanna help me with any of these be my guest, I'd appreciate it!
*Becoming better, learning more, and learning to be more confident with singing
*Reading my bible and being better at praying
*Coming out of my room more often, instead of caging myself up in it!
*Organization- I used to be so good at it, and now I just never know where to start unless it's someone else's things
*Eating healthier and taking vitamins, so that I get sick less this winter...last winter my record for strep was 8 times..and YES I still have my tonsils! But the only thing is I am a super picky eater, and I don't exactly know what it means to eat healthy since my outlook on all food is that every bit of it can make you fat, and even when I eat something healthy I still feel like I shouldn't be eating it and I really wish we didn't have to eat to survive because I still have a strong dislike for food!
*Learning how to catch all of my falling relationships before they completely hit the ground and shatter and growing closer to those who I am close to, to prevent a falling relationship with them!
*Having more faith in everything!

Any contributes will help! Books, advice, 1 on 1 talks, ANYTHING! I'd like to reach all of these goals beyond what I can imagine, and I have much desire to do so!

-Christianna Denise
p.s. I love you!!

Court and Prayer

Last year, my dad's death lead to many many issues, some that are still trying to be solved! First we found out about the company lieing about the protection being up, which wasn't until they'd found that he fell. Then, we found out about some lady that claimed to still be his wife that he was married to a LONG time ago, whom wanted the money to pay for a child that she claimed was his, which turned out not to be after my dad's wife-to-be had to collect his tooth brush and hairbrush in order to get the DNA test to prove her wrong, but the court LOST the divorce papers and it is not on file so therefore this lady that none of us even knew still exsisted because her mother said she'd died is still concidered his wife and might get some of the money IF we get any from the company who lied and is being sued, and it's almost a 300,000 dollar lawsuit!....Here is what gets me the most.....this woman has not even claimed any part of my dad until she learned about the company being sued, and she is ledgable to get part of the money when my dad has us 5 kids that mattered the most to him...I don't care about if I get any part of this...what I care about is my 3 younger siblings being taken care of, what I care about is after my family paid the costs for everything else, the headstone has not been paid for yet...it's been a YEAR and my dad does NOT have a headstone for his grave! What I care about is all of this CRAP effecting my younger siblings in a bad way....my youngest brother just turned 9, and he doesn't even understand anything that's gone on so far really. His response to the visitation was "Look sissy, you can touch him!" What I care about is us all finally feeling like my dad can truly rest! I have been meeting with Heather (the fiance') and the lawyer and all the lawyer keeps saying is that it doesn't look good. I'm scared! I don't know what to expect! I'm expected to show up to these court dates cuz if anything needs to be signed I have to sign for it since my dad's parents aren't alive that means I'm next for all decisionmaking and I don't even know when the next one is! I am pushed to to limit with this, and I didn't make the decision to be involved, I have to be!...I am also all alone in dealing with this, I don't know my dad's side of the family, my siblings and 1 aunt, that's all I know...but I am not around them enough. Is it bad to feel like sometimes prayer isn't enough? What more can I do to make light of this situation?, which is WAY more complicated than I've even written here. HELP!

Butterfly

When you love someone so much whether it's your friends, or family it's easy to give into fear, fear that they will judge you, or fear that you'll stumble and they'll completely abandon you at all costs, then it's like a butterfly...if you've ever held one you try to keep it in your hands for as long as possible and finally you have to just open your hands and watch it fly away, the same goes for the ones you love, you can teach them and learn from them, but eventually you have to open up your hands and watch them rise...You can still teach them, and learn from them, but opening up your hands to watch them rise just brings better understanding of each other and room to grow closer.

I have learned that true beauty comes from God, that "light" he has placed within us! If that light isn't shining then we are kind of like a horse, the most beautiful ones are the wild ones that run unbridled and the ones that don't slowly lose their spirits. A while ago a friend and I were having a late lunch at Panera just talking and this is what randomly came out of her mouth. She told me that she thinks of me kind of like a butterfly because when she first met me I was kind of like that caterpillar because I was SO shy that I was deathly afraid to come up to her and just say even a simple hello, and I've been through alot in only 19 years of life, and now I was finally in the cacoon, and that she couldn't wait to see what I'd be like when I finally broke out of the cacoon and became a beautiful butterfly. I have taken that to heart...I don't know why but it makes me feel that warm loved feeling inside like we all do during the holidays when we watch all of the holiday movies with happy endings. God and the people we love give us courage to be all that we can and it's up to us to choose to take it to heart or not...if you finally let that butterfly rise to the sun, their hearts lead them back to you when they're ready to land again.

When you see someone you love hurting it's hard to hide that your eyes have been constantly streaming with tears, and it's hard not to let the hurt overtake you. But just as I've said before you have to open up your hands and let them rise, otherwise they'll never know what it's like to fly. We experience everything for a reason, and I believe our experiences make our hearts stronger! How is they're heart supposed to grow stronger if you don't open your hands to watch them rise?

So encourage the people you love. Love them, teach them, cry with them, be that person, open your hands and just watch them become that beautiful butterfly that flies abandondly into the sun, they will be led back to you when they're ready to land. Help them to become beautiful butterflies!
Shoutouts....if you are in my life right now, I don't care if you think you don't matter...you do, more than you know! I love you truely!
-Christianna Denise
p.s. here's the song lyrics!!!



When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands and watch you rise
Chorus

Spread you wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be, so spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Verse 2

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly (butterfly)
Bridge

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't overflowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye (stand and say goodbye)
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly (Oooh)
Fly abandonedly into the sun (fly to the sun)
If you should return to me (I will know you're mine)
We truly were meant to be (spread your wings and fly)
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly (my butterfly)
Chorus

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be (you and I)
So spread your wings and fly (spread your wings and fly)
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
Butterfly
Fly
Spread your wings and fly
Butterfly.

Sacrafice...

When we become followers of Christ, it's so hard when you start to learn sacrafice. The Mix 08' is gonna be amazing, I feel it!...and in order to go I sacraficed my phone, and for me that's a huge deal...it's eating away at me right now...tomorrow unless some magical money fairy comes and blesses me with $35 I will not have a phone until tuesday, when I get paid....it's eating away at me when I get texts and can't respond...AHHH! It's also very frustraiting that my paycheck will be gone next week basically, all because of nessessities....why do we need to pay freaking 100 for some stupid sticker to go on ur license plate...I mean really, Isn't the fact that we paid for some stupid letters and numbers to be bent into metal enough?...no of course not you have to have a stupid STICKER to go ON the plates!! Nothing is ever enough and I'm sick of it! Not enough money, or love or If you're body doesn't have enough food, you die...there are freaking kids in Africa STARVING, DIEING and this is EATING AWAY at me because I feel as if I have nothing to give them but my thoughts and prayers because I myself am just barely making it...and I can only HOPE that next week I have enough to pay all of my expenses...otherwise it's again no phone!...and then I'm pretty much screwed if anything happens, or anyone needs to get ahold of me for something important....on the plus side I will still be able to recieve texts...I just won't be able to send them or call anyone!....is there a help button hiding somewhere? If you find it remember to tell me where it is so that I can go push it! Needless to say YES YES I would really love to hide away in my room for an entire week, month, or so and never come out...but that doesn't solve anything and I'm pretty sure I'd get 15 million calls saying Why haven't you been at church for the past four weeks?...Oh because I'm a selfish pig (I'm not I swear)!...What a lame excuse is that, Christianna?! <--(me talking to myself) or maybe 1 person who cared enough would come pounding at my room window actually probably not, lol, but you get the point! I actually have thought of stopping going to church for a few weeks....but then I was like I don't think I could do it, I really don't...I'd miss the amazing presence of God, and seeing change and I'd miss Amanda, Javen, Justin, The Blest girls, ect...I would miss everyone too much...I would miss everything about that church too much to even miss one Sunday, or one Wednesday. The sunday I sang at my mom's church all I could think about was how I was probably missing out on a sermon that I really needed to hear, and missing all of my church family! Okay, yeah I'm done now...needless to say Frustraition to the max right now...I hope 2009 holds more hope than 2008 because I feel as if I didn't start to learn or grow until I started hanging out talking and yes....well I am done...I'm sure I could write an entire book right now...but I'll save you your sanity and stop here because apparently I have lost mine...if you find it make sure you send it back my way, thanks your a pal! :0) Much luv <3
-Just Christianna
p.s. yeah lame I know...but aren't I supposed to be posting my feelings on here anyways??

Mic. Check, Reality Check, Debut Part 2!...

So.....Part 2....
Mic Check: Practice was ummm interesting...and my first mic. check will never be my last and the oddness of saying "check" into the mic will always be just a bit awkward I think...it was quite funny actually...Shannon "SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!"...Me "CHECKKK!!!". Then practice resumes and Austin "Can you hear yourself okay?"..Me I shake my head but really I'm thinking "Yeah if I scream"...too shy to say no no I really can't lol! As practice resumed I started to think..
Here's the reality check..."OMGSH!, Are you freaking serious? Is this REALLY happening? I freaking walked into the church and SAID I was gonna be here in this spot and I'm standing here!"....at that point I got a bit teary eyed and I wanted to jump up and down with JOY saying "PRAISE JESUS!"....but I chose not to since I'm 100% sure that that would draw some attention..I try to do the least of that!
Debut: As the time countdown is showing my heart starts pumping faster 30, 29, 28...OH GOSH the adrenaline rush I get before is what pushes me to continue! The music starts and I immediately was brought into what I like to call "The Zone", which I will explain shortly, and I was no longer nervous, no longer getting that adrenaline rush, but I was comfortable because it was me and God!.."The Zone" is my favorite place to be, and that is when I grow the MOST in my faith, it only makes me want to worship praise and thank God, even MORE!...it's when I feel that nervousness and that adrenaline rush lifted off of my body and as I am doing whatever it is I literally forget that everyone else is there, like I'm listening to a cd and worshiping or something, and It's me, God, and the music that's playing keeps us in unity, keeps us in sync with each other! "Sing to me a new song"...I sang this morning for God to be my voice...and as I was in "The Zone, I felt it! I FELT IT!...At some point I felt my lips moving, I felt and heard what was coming out, but at the same time I felt like it wasn't my own voice, but this voice lifted me higher than anything! At the point where I started coming back from "The Zone", I felt the biggest sigh of relief and I felt as if something was telling me that as far as ministry goes, it's where I belong, it's where I will learn to grow the most, and it's where God has placed me for a reason! I finally felt important enough to be a part of something and it can only get better from here! Although I really do believe, and I always do believe that I coulda done better...but it'll do for my first time!! Once I get more experience I'll let out like a ball of fire...believe me! I could become the next Amanda Dean!....haha I know that's funny I'm laughing too, if only I could be that anointed, there's only one of those!...WELL I'll have to settle for becoming the next Christianna Crosby..oh wait i am her.. seriously tho, I can always listen and learn from my influences, yes Amanda that includes you, and I'll find my own voice and grow from it! I believe it and if you do too "Can I get an Amen?!" lol! Much love peace music...I'm pretty pooped from an exciting night! (we all know I'll be up 4 another 3 hours)
-Christianna Denise

Mic. Check, Reality Check, Debut Part 1....

Mic checks, harmonizing, and praising Jesus...the third one came at a later time, but as for the other two...they've always been a part of my passion...I haven't even really started yet until tomorrow and I've already put it on my list for things that stir my passion for Jesus and brings me closer to him.
Tomorrow will be my Debut at the Rock...right now I am thinking "Holy Crud, is this really happening??!!"...I will officially be a part of something at The Rock...and let me tell you my entire body and mind is FLAMING with SO much PASSION! The more I think about it, the more I want to praise Jesus for even planning that I'd walk into that church someday...and I'm SO glad that even after I wanted to give up, I didn't and he kept pushing me the entire time! My promise to the rest of the band members is that I promise that I will put my whole heart into it, and work at becoming better each time!...I promise you that I have SO much passion inside of me for this, and in fact a year ago I was sitting in the crowd telling God that THAT is what I wanted, and it's not at all about the stage presence, it's about worshiping God and how I feel CLOSER to him when I am in the zone...I promise you I will do the best I can, and that you can count on me.

"I'll be right here where you need me, anytime just keep believing, and I'll be right here. If you ever need a friend, someone to care and understand, I'll be right here. All you have to do is call my name, No matter how close or far away, Ask me once and I'll come, I'll come runnin, And when I can't be with you dream me near, Keep me in your heart and I'll appear, All you gotta do is turn around, Close your eyes, Look inside, I'm right here."

-Christianna Denise Crosby

Breaks My Heart

<--That happens to be or at least is supposed to be one of my best friends. I've known her since kindergarden...and she's amazing BUT right now my heart is breaking just looking at this picture, it makes me want to start balling because at the rate we are going right now, if something doesn't get done soon we are both going to end up saying that we USED to be best friends. That's all for now because I'm 100% sure that if I say any more I will cry. Jesus!!!
-Christianna

Someone To Love

I am so excited for when I finally get married and have that relationship and my own family! I am very much so longing for someone to love unconditionally and someone to unconditionally love me. I have so much love to give and to be honest, whoever I marry will be a blessed guy because I want to make him feel like he's the most blessed guy on the planet and that marrying me was never a mistake! But most importantly I want him to set Jesus as his first most important thing and when the other guys are complaining about their wives, I want him to be the real man, the one who stands out without any doubt or fear to say that he's blessed to have me! I want a husband who shows Jesus in everything he does, who amazes me, who can be my best friend, loves every flaw I have, who stays true to his word always with so much faithfulness! I am utterly longing for someone to love and someone who loves me! Jesus, you know what's in my heart....send me that blue-eyed wonder who is SO crazy about you!!...someone to love and love me!
-Christianna Denise

A Day I Won't Forget (A Year Ago)

A year ago today is a day I will never in my life, forget. Here is exactly how my day went...

I woke up at 7:30 to get ready for school, which I happen to live 5 mins away from. Headed to my first class Art Appreciation, second class Speech, then met Justine to walk to Math class with her.We had a test that day...as the teacher was passing out the test a lady comes in, talks to the teacher and then calls me out to the hallway. "Your mom called and said you need to call her right away. There's been a medical emergency." So she takes me upstairs, on my way up my heart is racing a million miles an hour, my stomach is churning, and so many thoughts of what it could be were running through my mind.."Oh, no, I wonder what happened to Granny. I hope Crenesto is okay(my uncle)."...trying to prep myself for what I thought would be the worst news. "You can use this phone right here to call your mom"...
"Trinity Medical Center, this is Davonda speaking"
"Mom?"
"Hi, aren't you supposed to be in class?"
"Yeah, but someone called the school and said you called and said there was a medical emergency and I needed to call you"
"That's funny, I didn't call. It wasn't me..but that's kind of wierd because Jeanie called me 6 times on my cellphone but I missed all of her calls"
"I hope Mistie is okay. I hope nothing happened to her"
"Oh hold on...she's calling right now"...then she switches phones and is talking as I'm trying to listen to see if I can hear anything.
"Chris, go back to class, We'll talk when you get home okay?"...she says in a someone died kind of voice.
"Okay, bye"...I say in a scared choking back tears kind of voice.

I didn't know what was going on but as I was walking back to class I was choking back tears the whole time worried that something happened to one of my best friend's and I'd known her since I was 5, and she has a kid, how is Addie going to live without her mother. So I decided I couldn't sit in class and just went back to get my stuff and tell the teacher I wouldn't be back in class, then head to my car to go home.
As I arrive home my mom is coming down the street at the same time as a fast speed and pulls into the driveway. I park my car, get out, and head inside and set my stuff down.
"I think you should sit down"
"Okay"
"Chris, there was an accident this morning with your dad"
"What happened? Is he gonna be okay?"
"He was working on a roof this morning around 8 or so and he accidentally stepped on the skylight and fell through it. The fall was 16 feet, he fell pretty hard...he didn't make it"
I then start babbling and crying histerically..."But I just saw him last night! I talked to him! He was there! He came into work to see me and we sat at the table with Heather and talked! HE WAS THERE I SAW HIM!!!!"
"I'm so sorry Chris."
"But he was there.."
"He came to visit you?"
"Yeah, I called him because I wanted to talk to him and we weren't busy at all so we talked for like 30 mins and then he said that he would see if Heather would bring him to see me and he said "Maybe you'll have to cook me some dinner"..and then when he got there he tried ordering one of everything on the menu. I saw him...he was there!"
"What are you doing today?"
"I need to go run some errends before Nicole picks me up for KYC."
"Maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for you to drive."
"I'll be fine! I need to go...I have to run some errends!"
I walked down the driveway back to my car and drove off. At that point I didn't know that I would be the one signing papers, choosing where his body went, I didn't know that the two sides of the family The Dietches and The Whipples would be fighting because the Whipples didn't want him where I chose, at that point I didn't know that a year later we'd be getting a lawyer because his work company LIED and because of their lies he could be alive today! I DIDNT KNOW THAT A YEAR LATER WE'D STILL BE JUST GETTING STARTED WITH THE COURT CASES FOR TWO DIFFERENT REASONS!
Daddy, I love you so much and still long to jump into your arms and just hear your voice one more time because there is no love like the unconditional love of a parent! I still sometimes don't realize that when I go to your house, you will not be there greeting me at the door "Hi Honey. I missed you!" I still sometimes don't realize that you will not be walking me down the isle at my wedding..instead you'll be a memory that I once had. We all still miss you, and the boys are starting to look more like you each time I see them (Kota acts so much like you!). And I really hope that you are at peace because sometimes what's going on here makes it hard to believe that it's even possible to be at peace (court). You're in my heart, and part of the reason I am where I am today...getting to know Jesus like I should be. I know you'd be happy for me because you always were. Like you always said to me "Love ya more!" and I'll "Always be your little girl!"
-Christianna Denise Crosby

Passion

The word passion can be defined as a strong enthusiasm or fondness for something. Jesus is a passion that I have chosen to persue, I have stumbled and fell a few times but thanks to Amanda who has become one of my favorite people, best friends and inspiration this summer, I have learned and am still learning how to pick myself up and continue on my path to eternity. Everyone has a voice and my passions are what helps me find my voice that has been lost and silenced in my past. BUT if you know me you KNOW that I, CHRISTIANNA DENISE CANNOT talk about PASSION without expressing my passion for the stage and the stage life. Here is a little taste of what I enjoy...the 30 second costume changes backstage (it's fun, adrenaline rush!), being on one side of the stage and having 20 seconds to run to the other side when you get backstage before you have to be on stage again, the fun amazing costumes themselves (it's like playing dress up!), dreaming of being on bigger stages when in reality I'm in my living room performing to my favorite songs and imaginary audiences with a mic in my hand that doesn't even work but I don't even care that they don't....I have been blessed with a very strong passion for performing...and better yet in a couple weeks I will get to use this passion to worship Jesus Christ, I CAN'T WAIT!! The funny thing is that when I first started going to The Rock I said "I want to be on that stage with them worshiping God! Watch me, I'll be on there, I've got a feeling!". That was a dream to me, and it's so silly but I would literally day dream about it like people dream about meeting their favorite stars, I dreamt about worshiping God on stage at The Rock while doing something I'm so passionate about. Thank you God for giving me these passions, sending me an inspiration who is so passionate about you in everything she does that every inperfection is what makes her perfectly beautiful, thank you god for helping me find my voice again.
-Christianna Denise (aka Lil' Diva)