The Cause of Bad Days

I'm pretty much having a bad couple of days and when it starts to get better something else always happens....bad days make me want to jump in front of a moving train and be done with it already!...it's pretty extreme, but for a person with previous suicidal thoughts, it's not. It feels like I'm standing in the pouring rain getting soaked with no way to get out of it, like everyone is locking their doors when I try to come in from the rain. I'd rather jump off a bridge...or better yet follow in my dad's footsteps and fall through a skylight..I mean really come on!! What makes me feel like that again? When everything is such a mess and starts resulting in relationship failing....which ding ding ding that's pretty much been my past few days. If I were lieing to you I would be telling you that everything is fine, and that I am not being hindered from God, and Jesus Christ, if I were lieing I would be telling you that I'm okay and I haven't been having suicidal thoughts for the past few days that have caused multiple bad panic attacks where I nearly pass out....WHILE DRIVING! Last night I went to Friday night worship...and there were a couple prayers in particular that hit the spot....Mady was apparently spoken to by God, that's not a lie, and told her that there was some kind of blockage some kind of wall being built and it was blocking my relationship with him...and when she told me that I thought of earlier that day when I had thought about just quitting and not going to church for a while. Then some other lady went up to the mic and apparently God spoke to her too, sounded like, and...I am choosing to not even get into that one on here, but that too just hit home. Then this morning my morning started off with a big bang...let me tell you....and it included arguing with 3 different people over twitter, and text. Needless to say......DAYYYY PLEEEEASE GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAYS PLLLEASE, I'M FREAKING BEGGING YOU TO GET BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...please :0(