With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Love and War

It has been a crazy week already and its only Wednesday! But I will start with about a month ago. About a month ago, my amazing small group leader asked us to make relationship goals and pray about them. Now I'm not gonna tell my entire life story but I asked God and prayed hardcore for a mother figure because I feel deep in my soul that its what I'm needing at this point in my life as far as relationship goals go...and lately more and more I am starting to see who exactly God has chosen to answer my prayers with. Thank you Jesus. :0)
But now I'm gonna switch directions..I this week..no this entire month have been in a major spiritual battle..I feel something attempting to take my fire away from me and its doing it by attacking the people who mean a lot to me..3 people I care about have died within the past month..and 1 was this past Sunday...its a tough one and was practically my mom!!..not to mension I'm already ahving trouble cuz my daddy's birthday is Friday and I am pretty sure I've got tonsillitis concidering the white spots in my throat and my left lymphnode hurting so badly I can barely turn my head that way!..yep..I'm in a battle..This past month has been nothing but love and war..the war part is starting to have a heavier and heavier weigh in...but love seems to help it ALOT!
-Warrior Girl

Change Again..

So today I spent most of the day alone but that's just the thing I wasn't alone Jesus was there. Today as I was in the process of shopping and I felt something click in my mind or something. Change is happening in a big way..in every way. Even in my heart and mind! I am at that stage between a teenage girl and a young woman and somehow today helped me to feel and see all of the changes that are happening and I'm just not sure what to think yet..or how to feel about it. But what I do know is a small but big part of it is kind of embarassing and I know that it is partly because I didn't allow myself to let these changes happen naturally..I found ways to stop them..and now I am finally just letting this process take its course. There is no possible way to talk about the changes happening without embarrassment. This is just another step in the climb of life. Life is a climb...but the view is great.
-Little Caterpillar

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree

Uncontainable Love 2

Tonight I had my 2 favorite kids in the world! Javen AND Paige! Tonight I swore my heart was going to burst with so much love as I watched them play together and as I saw how quickly it took them to warm up to each other. They are both equally as sweet and loving! They both definately have my heart. I wonder if they know or understand...maybe and maybe not but God is teaching me so much through them..its amazing! I will never be able to wrap my mind around the thought that God loves us MORE than I love them or Amanda or Nicole or any of my friends really! I long to know his love, understand it, and I can't help but set a goal to show it in all that I do!
"Let love be your highest goal!"-1 Corinthians 14:1
...I think I've got that covered..but sometimes I just need a little reassurance. I wanna know...How do you know I love you? What can I do to more effectively show you His love and mine?
-Just Christianna

Uncontainable Love

Is it possible to love someone so much??? It’s indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love! I can’t help but love him more and more every time I see his sweet little face! We spend our time reading stories, playing shooters, learning colors and shapes, counting, cuddling on the couch, ect.. but his favorite thing we do is chase each other around the house. Whether its on a good day or a bad day this little one can ALWAYS put a smile on my face and joy in my heart! If I had to take care of him every day, I wouldn’t even mind one bit! I love playing mommy when Amanda and Justin are busy! I can’t help but wonder what he will be like in 10 or 15 years, and I can’t help but pray that since he has such amazing parents, that he grows up to be a real gentleman just like his daddy and still carries his daddy’s crazy-happy-risky spunk and his mommy’s sweet heart, caring eyes and contagious smile! The more time I spend with him, the more beautiful he becomes to me and the more it leaves me hoping for a little boy of my own in 5 years that I can stay at home wit, take care of, teach and learn from…that is something that makes me feel A LOT closer to God. The thought that he could create something so small that can change your mind, your heart…and your entire life just makes you wonder how much more can He give us to be thankful for? How could we NOT want to live our lives for Him? So my thought of the day is…maybe the way I feel about Javen is the way that God feels about us and the way we are suppose to feel about him too…an indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love. Any lasting words or thoughts??

-A Future Mommy

Passion

(insert wise words about passion)...u might be wondering why this has been left blank..well that's pretty much what my passion looks like lately..blank. Let's hope it returns soon because I am becoming uninterested in everything from social interaction to..dare I say it...God...now don't beat me with a metal pole or anything...hopefully it will soon return..and then I can sleep, eat, and live like a human instead of a zombie! I'm so lame...not to mension a new face would help.
-Beautifully Broken

Through The Long Night

I listened to a song earlier and it said "Jesus you found me through the long night you led me and set me free." When I hear that I imagine literally being held, I picture myself crying about what I've been feeling lately and being held and how my daddy used to and the way he would stroke my hair and tell me that everything would be ok and that he would be there and that making me feel better. That can never happen again, I can never have another moment like that with him and that's what I need but can't have. His love, his arms, his voice, and him comforting me. But when I hear that song it reminds me of that. I miss him so much more everyday. I miss having a family and parents...especially when I really need it. But oh well life is like the energizer bunny..it keeps going and going and going!
-Beautiful Disaster

Fairytale

So if I got to write my own fairytale here's how it would go...

Once upon a time there was an ice princess..she wasn't like the other princesses who were surrounded by tons of real cute animals, or ate bad apples. or lost a slipper...she just simply wanted somebody to love. someone to love her and longed to have somewhere and someone to belong to! She had a pure heart and often failed to see her own beauty although others saw it..they rarely reassured her of what they saw in her. As the Ice Princess sat..she often longed for her Prince to come save her. She wasn't guarded by any fir breathing dragons. or any curses..but rather guarded by her own heart. One day a sweet boy came along and she saw that he wasn't like every other guy who looked at her from the outside only to find themselves lusting over looks. He saw her every flaw...and only found beauty in each flaw. He saw her true heart...and helped her break the wall she built. He swept her off her feet completely and melted her heart. He helped her fall even more in love with the one true God..and that's why she was so attracted to him. They got happily married..and had very beautiful children!...if you wrote a fairytale about your life or something that's on your heart what would your story be?? I'm interested to see other stories! Comments? Love? Anything?? Go write your story!!
-Beautifully Broken

Beaches

So yesterday I was looking through old things and watched a video I made last summer for a friend...and after it was over I realized that last summer for me was a summer of new friendship. Then I got to thinking about the possibilities of this summer and so far...I don't know the possibilities..possibilites for any kind of life this summer is looking pretty slim...I'd like it to include a plane ride to somewhere warm....and a beach! I'd LOVE to go to the beach..SO...MUCH!! I've never been to the beach...but I'd love to spend a day at the beach and watch the sun set with one or more true friends or even take a girls trip to a beach somewhere! I want to go to the beach so badly that it has created ALOT of jealousy towards all of the people going to Florida for a wedding this week...*sigh* someday I will get to set eyes on a beach...and it will be a dream come true for me! Life goal list item: Visit a beach and watch the sun set..or rise!

-Wishfully Waiting