Praise You In This Storm

If u havent noticed I have been having major issues lately believing God in all situations...if that's how to word it. My last blog I was just SO angry at God for making me the way I am and writing my story the way its written and continuing to allow certain things to happen when I began to feel like I was at the peak of my faith and then it made me feel like it was all my fault and like I have a perminant marking on my forehead saying that its ok to hurt me and like I could have prevented it, and like I am/was serving a life sentence for what other people have done. Last night my heart sank to my stomach so many times just hearing certain words and I thought "God why do I have to serve a life sentence for things that they did to me? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who feel guilty? Shouldn't THEY be the ones who are feeling ashamed?"....the message hit home completely. God was there the whole time...in each of those situations...but I failed to look beside me. Its not easy to look past everything in those situations and praise him in the storm. Sometimes I feel so weighed down by it...and like I can't carry on because I can't find him. The thunder starts rolling and I can't hear him whispering through the rain. But I will learn and I'll praise him in this storm...I will lift my hands because his love never changes no matter where I am or what I'm going through...."and every tear I cry, you hold in your hand,you never left my sight.."....and though my heart is torn I WILL PRAISE HIM IN THIS STORM!!! If u hear anything from this I would want u to know what I am about to pray to God for and ask u to also help pray for me! God I pray, I cry out to you for your love and comfort! I pray to see u in all situations and PRAISE YOU IN THESE STORMS when my heart is torn!! Change this, that constantly leaves me feeling broken, ashamed and guilty!..that I see u standing right beside me, God, and reach for Jesus instead of wanting to die and get it over with already, to reach for Jesus instead of anything else!
-Beautifully Broken

I wanna be...

I wanna be a better me. I wanna trust God with everything in me! I wanna be beautiful...A better healthier more beautiful me. I wanna be beautiful. I'm afraid that the person I am now is making other people look at me as an ugly person all around...or at least I feel that way. I'm done with procrastination and fearing certain things. So in order to be a better me I am going to 1) work out for at least an hour each day 2) eat healthier which means hardly no more greasy food and the last is the most important 3) Study the word with Nicole AND by myself each day. Today I worked out for about an hour and then also did 500 crunches (which I'm doing 500 more with Nikki when she gets home). Working out always makes me feel a little bit better about myself...and I love the day afterwards cuz u can feel that u actually accomplished something. I am going to be pretty sore tomorrow probably..but I can't wait to do more and meet a goal..once I set one. I'm a pretty picky eater and because of that my eating habits have gone down the drain but I really wanna start eating healthier starting with greasy food...NO more..only on occasion. I already have heart problems and I'd like to be alive when I'm 20. Then there's The Word...man I'm terrible at reading it and studying it! Its a nessessity and I am terrible at it. So Nicole and I agreed that we wer going to have our own bible study, just the 2 of us then I decided I'm getting into it everyday on my own too...hmm well I have to find my bible...I lost it..oops! Well PLEASE if ya got any great tips or any good food tips for a pretty picky light eater like myself then COMMENT PLEASE!? Or if you just wanna comment on anything I said then please do so, I greatly appreciate it.
-Beautiful Disaster

Beautiful Disaster

If I were asked on a personal level right now by a close friend to describe myself I'd say that I'm a "beautiful disaster". Between what my past holds and what the present is like I could probably describe both words to a T. My past sometimes I look at it and think it made me beautiful and other times I look back with guilt, shame, hurt, and wishing it could all just be taken away because it still effects how I live day to day..if u don't know what I mean then don't try to understand but if u do I welcome conversation. Lately I have been having a HUGE issue with change. It seems like too much is happening at once and I am so overwhelmed!!!...and with my extreme emotions...lets just say it makes me feel so miserable a helpless. Change is good....but hard...but good...and I keep trying to like jedeye mind trick myself into being happy for all of these changes but the honest truth is that I'm extremely sad....and along with my emotions its miserable. I'm quick to give in but easy to give up quick to smile but easily angered quick to laugh but so easy to cry...never one side of the road...I'm always both! Life goes on...it can only get better from here..but it will get worse first.
-Beautiful Disaster

Trusting God

I am beginning to feel how hard this road actually is as opposed to taking to easy way out...I always choose to do things the hard way...I don't know why but for some reason I almost always do. When I say this road I'm talking about choosing to put Jesus Christ in the number one spot and being a Christian. No one said it was easy...if it was why would we even be here? Would there be a point to there being a God? No because if it was easy everything would be perfect! Let me tell u its far from that. Lately I have been experiencing so much change and its scarey and it feels as if God is tugging on me and completely flipping around my life. I love it and hate it at the same time. But I was reading the bible the other day and read about someone who trusted in God fully and didn't even think about whatever they were worrying about anymore because they completely trusted God had already answered their questions. That is SO hard to do!! SO HARD! Being naturally a big worryer its hard to ask God for something then let it go and not worry at all. I want to have more faith in God but fear overcomes me so much and I fall back. Many people don't know that though simply because I don't talk to that many people because I'm so shy to talk to people that I am scared of them! I literally avoid people to avoid talking to them...for example for the longest time I avoided Amanda, I would see her coming the way I was and I'd run and hide or go the opposite direction because I was SO afraid to even say hello to her. Now we are close but man it was hard to talk at first because I was so shy and sometimes I still catch myself being shy towards her and I'm like hello she's pretty much family! I dunno. I've pretty much said all I wanted to say. Trusting God is a huge issue...especially with so much change happening right now. Hopefully its all for the better!
-Beautiful Disaster

Streching

This year I am LONGING to grow my gifts so much! I'm not sure where or how to start but I know that today as I was practicing with the whole band I was getting SO upset because when I sing with the entire band I forget the harmony I am supposed to sing and not knowing the song that well doesn't help! That is why I feel not good enough, but if I wasn't would I be a part? Probably not so I obviously am! The rest of them are just more advanced than I. This year I just want to get so much better and stretch so much so that I can be just as good instead of not being. Jesus come on, I'm trusting you.

What I'm Not

I am NOT some wimpy girl who will let you step all over me. I am NOT heartless. I am NOT unloving. I am NOT ever gonna lie to someone just to tell them what they wanna hear. I am NOT just another person. I am NOT you or that other person, but I am ME...and if that's not good enough I'm NOT sorry! I am loving, giving, and my shyness and timidness can get in the way of showing who I truely am but I am deserving of at least the love of Jesus..and if that's all I've got then that's all I need. Thank you..the end.

Small Stuff

I was going through my things today organizing, getting rid of stuff and found some cards a friend gave me and began to read these cards thinking wow..we've come a long way so fast! Then I started wondering why did God create friends? Well I don't know why but I do know that for me its the littlest things that matter to me. Reading those cards made my entire night! The first time I emailed her, the small group trip to shop how we all had so much fun riding with her, doing her hair in a side ponytale to copy off the other car, her and her own versions of songs when she's being silly, our little talks, when she went with me to get 6 inches cut off my hair, getting a "makeover" before the TRI show, when it was bad outside and she stayed up late to make sure I had a place to go and having bonding time while I waited for the call back...that and so much more....the small things matter to me the most when it comes to friendship and seems to be the things I remember the most. Finding those cards tonite made me smile, warmed my heart and made me think..that THIS is why God made friendship. Thank you God so much for the gift of friendship...its much sweeter than the summer air!

Complete Chaos

<---That is one of my favorite sayings...because that's exactly how I feel. The last couple weeks and days have been complete chaos. Full of SO many tears, broken hearts, blame, anger, guilt, and fear! For me this all started a little before Christmas...and I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I was....but the Christmas spirit skipped over me this year. All I wanted to do was stay in my room with the doors shut lights off in bed and cry. Then the other day I witnessed the Holy Spirit take over a friends body and speak through her...and I've never seen anything so amazing...I know now that I felt the way I felt and feel the way I feel because God is bringing life change and it's going to be so hard and so tough at first, people are going to be angry with us, hate us, doubt us, think we're crazy, but I know in the end everyone will benefit and God will provide! We have each other and we have God, and if that's all we're gonna have, then that's enough and it's all we need. I still have alot to think about, pray about, and look into but I'm looking forward to a healed heart in the end...no matter how much my heart hurts now! God, I pray for peace, boldness, and a thirsting hungering THRIVING relationship with Jesus Christ. Please God, provide for us!

-Beautiful Disaster