King Of Pop

So, it's barely believable that Michael Jackson is dead. It's crazy.. seems like just yesterday I was watching him and Britney on tv performing The Way You Make Me Feel the same exact year that I was using that song for my dane competition song and won 1st place! So in honor of the King Of Pop..I wrote this letter to say goodbye to a man who did more than just live up to the name he gained.. King of Pop.

Mr. King Of Pop-

Its such a Thriller that you're really gone! I can barely believe it. BUT this is the perfect time to let you know The Way You Make Me Feel. Your music and talent has inspired many, including myself who competed and placed 1st in dance competitions 3yrs in a row to your songs. You sure taught many people the ABC's of the dance floor and made millions of people just wanna get outta their seats and shake their booty! Most of all you taught us that We Are The World and although people had their doubts and rumors about you, only you knew what was really true and I hope you looked at the Man In The Mirror every day and liked the man you saw. I hope you knew how Dangerous it is to not know that we have a forgiving God. We all know that Billy Jean was not your lover... but I hope Jesus was, and to sum it all up I'd like you to know that You Rock My World..you rocked millions of peoples worlds! RIP Mr. Michael Jackson!

-Christianna Denise

Expanding Love

This woman is pretty much one of the most talented, inspiring, trustful, sweetest, caring, loving women I've ever met! She is pretty amazing. The first time I ever went to Rock Church she is the first smiling face who greeted me and she happened to be pregnant with Javen and "ready to pop at any time", I was told. I didn't truly MEET her until about a year and some odd months ago through my close friend Nicole, whom happened to be in her small group. Upon meeting her I had no clue that my prayers for an understanding, close-parent like- relationship would be answered or that my mind, my heart, my life.. would be changed in the process. It took me a while to actually go up to her and say hello..I was so shy and scared of her.. but finally I'm sure she was like okay enough avoiding me.. so she came up first instead of me.. and said "Boo!" because I had told her I was too afraid to come up and say hello. It's pretty hilarious now to think I was scared of her because now I'm either around her somewhere, helping out with Javen (which I happen to be doing at this moment, but he's napping), or at least thinking about her and or Javen or Justin. Now again things just keep getting better and life is about to change to a whole new level. Saturday night I was sworn to secrecy to not tell anyone until after Justin's birthday that she is pregnant again! Baby number 2 will be here some time in February! I cannot begin to say how excited I am that I will have a chance to let my heart expand, and grow to love and care for another little one as much as I love and care for Javen or how excited I am that I get to watch her tummy grow and hear about all the stuff that comes with pregnancy (afterall in about 5 years I have a feeling that I will be having my own so I better get the knowledge and practice in now!)! I cannot even BEGIN to say enough, do enough, or be thankful enough towards her and her little family for just taking me under their wing and loving me because it means more than I could ever express. Even just love has changed my mind about how much I am thankful each day to wake up, my heart about what I want and love most in life, and my life because I feel like they were a gift from God to me and since meeting and getting to know her my life has taken twists, turns, and winds all over to get me to where I am at right now...a beautiful butterfly just waiting for the right time to break out of it's cocoon, just waiting for a chance to break out and have a chance at fluttering into the sky. It's amazing how just love can change a life. Thankfully..I choose love, Humbly..I choose love, and Wisely..I choose love!

-Beautiful Disaster

The Breath Before The Kiss

"Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Have you ever felt this way?"-Glitter In The Air by Pink

This song reminds me so much of close friends. I only really have a few close friends who really know me and this song brings tears to my eyes because some parts of it really speaks to my heart. Often I am so thankful and my heart is filled with so much love for them that I barely know what to do with myself. There isn't a day where I don't sit for a second and think of how blessed I am to have the few close friends I have and sometimes even end up balling my eyes out because it means so much to me. I could never repay them for meaning so much to me... never. Sometimes I can be in a room filled with a ton of people and still feel so alone because the only place I wanna be is spending time with them. Yes..I have wished for an endless night and I've held my breath a million times asking myself "Could it ever get better than this moment?"..I did that just today as I was spending some quality time with one of my closest of close friends. Is it possible to love these people so much? Could love get any more unexplainable? "Have you ever felt this way?" I feel so undeserving of such wonderful people.

-Beautiful Disaster

With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Love and War

It has been a crazy week already and its only Wednesday! But I will start with about a month ago. About a month ago, my amazing small group leader asked us to make relationship goals and pray about them. Now I'm not gonna tell my entire life story but I asked God and prayed hardcore for a mother figure because I feel deep in my soul that its what I'm needing at this point in my life as far as relationship goals go...and lately more and more I am starting to see who exactly God has chosen to answer my prayers with. Thank you Jesus. :0)
But now I'm gonna switch directions..I this week..no this entire month have been in a major spiritual battle..I feel something attempting to take my fire away from me and its doing it by attacking the people who mean a lot to me..3 people I care about have died within the past month..and 1 was this past Sunday...its a tough one and was practically my mom!!..not to mension I'm already ahving trouble cuz my daddy's birthday is Friday and I am pretty sure I've got tonsillitis concidering the white spots in my throat and my left lymphnode hurting so badly I can barely turn my head that way!..yep..I'm in a battle..This past month has been nothing but love and war..the war part is starting to have a heavier and heavier weigh in...but love seems to help it ALOT!
-Warrior Girl

Change Again..

So today I spent most of the day alone but that's just the thing I wasn't alone Jesus was there. Today as I was in the process of shopping and I felt something click in my mind or something. Change is happening in a big way..in every way. Even in my heart and mind! I am at that stage between a teenage girl and a young woman and somehow today helped me to feel and see all of the changes that are happening and I'm just not sure what to think yet..or how to feel about it. But what I do know is a small but big part of it is kind of embarassing and I know that it is partly because I didn't allow myself to let these changes happen naturally..I found ways to stop them..and now I am finally just letting this process take its course. There is no possible way to talk about the changes happening without embarrassment. This is just another step in the climb of life. Life is a climb...but the view is great.
-Little Caterpillar

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree

Uncontainable Love 2

Tonight I had my 2 favorite kids in the world! Javen AND Paige! Tonight I swore my heart was going to burst with so much love as I watched them play together and as I saw how quickly it took them to warm up to each other. They are both equally as sweet and loving! They both definately have my heart. I wonder if they know or understand...maybe and maybe not but God is teaching me so much through them..its amazing! I will never be able to wrap my mind around the thought that God loves us MORE than I love them or Amanda or Nicole or any of my friends really! I long to know his love, understand it, and I can't help but set a goal to show it in all that I do!
"Let love be your highest goal!"-1 Corinthians 14:1
...I think I've got that covered..but sometimes I just need a little reassurance. I wanna know...How do you know I love you? What can I do to more effectively show you His love and mine?
-Just Christianna

Uncontainable Love

Is it possible to love someone so much??? It’s indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love! I can’t help but love him more and more every time I see his sweet little face! We spend our time reading stories, playing shooters, learning colors and shapes, counting, cuddling on the couch, ect.. but his favorite thing we do is chase each other around the house. Whether its on a good day or a bad day this little one can ALWAYS put a smile on my face and joy in my heart! If I had to take care of him every day, I wouldn’t even mind one bit! I love playing mommy when Amanda and Justin are busy! I can’t help but wonder what he will be like in 10 or 15 years, and I can’t help but pray that since he has such amazing parents, that he grows up to be a real gentleman just like his daddy and still carries his daddy’s crazy-happy-risky spunk and his mommy’s sweet heart, caring eyes and contagious smile! The more time I spend with him, the more beautiful he becomes to me and the more it leaves me hoping for a little boy of my own in 5 years that I can stay at home wit, take care of, teach and learn from…that is something that makes me feel A LOT closer to God. The thought that he could create something so small that can change your mind, your heart…and your entire life just makes you wonder how much more can He give us to be thankful for? How could we NOT want to live our lives for Him? So my thought of the day is…maybe the way I feel about Javen is the way that God feels about us and the way we are suppose to feel about him too…an indescribable, undeniable, uncontainable love. Any lasting words or thoughts??

-A Future Mommy

Passion

(insert wise words about passion)...u might be wondering why this has been left blank..well that's pretty much what my passion looks like lately..blank. Let's hope it returns soon because I am becoming uninterested in everything from social interaction to..dare I say it...God...now don't beat me with a metal pole or anything...hopefully it will soon return..and then I can sleep, eat, and live like a human instead of a zombie! I'm so lame...not to mension a new face would help.
-Beautifully Broken