With Arms Wide Open

This has been one VERY tough week for me! I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break so much. My Daddy used to sing to me all the time and we would karaoke together all the time. I remember the last song he ever sang to me was the song With Arms Wide Open by Creed. On Mother's Day my mom told my Granny that it was okay for her to go home with Jesus and she was fighting it for some reason..someone mensioned me and my mom asked her if she was waiting for me and she blinked her eyes..then my mom told her that I said it was okay for her to go because she already called me and asked if it was okay...20 minutes later she finally stopped fighting and left the earth to enter the heavens. Life...is just so plain and tasteless right now at this moment. The only thing that really helps me feel better right now is spending time with my 2nd family ;0) so I try to as much as I can but life is busy so it's not as often of a thing but other than that...I don't really know what to do with myself. I miss them undescribably so...and feeling the love they had to provide me with! I understand that Jesus is there and all that and blah blah blah...and it's not like it's not enough because it is and it should be...but God, Jesus...can be there spiritually...but what about physically? Can I look at them literally face to face, tell them how I feel and physically recieve their love?..who will be there..waiting with open arms ready to just do the same thing that my Daddy and Granny would do, just to wrap their arms around me and simply say that it's okay to feel not okay and everything will be fine? I dunno but I do know that it seems as though I am in a major battle with the enemy...because on top of everything else my neck feels like its falling apart because my lymph nodes hurt pretty darn bad. BUT..maybe this all just means that there's something amazing around the corner..I guess I'm just in a season of mourning and joy is on it's way but whatever happens I will continue to smile...nobody really knows what lies behind a smile. Today..this week...behind this smile...is mourning and sadness but memories to last forever. I hope they are with Jesus...I asked for a sign...and I saw 3 eagles today!..I'm taking that as my sign because it seems to always be. I know they are in my heart..it's just not enough right now.

-Beautiful Disaster

Love and War

It has been a crazy week already and its only Wednesday! But I will start with about a month ago. About a month ago, my amazing small group leader asked us to make relationship goals and pray about them. Now I'm not gonna tell my entire life story but I asked God and prayed hardcore for a mother figure because I feel deep in my soul that its what I'm needing at this point in my life as far as relationship goals go...and lately more and more I am starting to see who exactly God has chosen to answer my prayers with. Thank you Jesus. :0)
But now I'm gonna switch directions..I this week..no this entire month have been in a major spiritual battle..I feel something attempting to take my fire away from me and its doing it by attacking the people who mean a lot to me..3 people I care about have died within the past month..and 1 was this past Sunday...its a tough one and was practically my mom!!..not to mension I'm already ahving trouble cuz my daddy's birthday is Friday and I am pretty sure I've got tonsillitis concidering the white spots in my throat and my left lymphnode hurting so badly I can barely turn my head that way!..yep..I'm in a battle..This past month has been nothing but love and war..the war part is starting to have a heavier and heavier weigh in...but love seems to help it ALOT!
-Warrior Girl

Change Again..

So today I spent most of the day alone but that's just the thing I wasn't alone Jesus was there. Today as I was in the process of shopping and I felt something click in my mind or something. Change is happening in a big way..in every way. Even in my heart and mind! I am at that stage between a teenage girl and a young woman and somehow today helped me to feel and see all of the changes that are happening and I'm just not sure what to think yet..or how to feel about it. But what I do know is a small but big part of it is kind of embarassing and I know that it is partly because I didn't allow myself to let these changes happen naturally..I found ways to stop them..and now I am finally just letting this process take its course. There is no possible way to talk about the changes happening without embarrassment. This is just another step in the climb of life. Life is a climb...but the view is great.
-Little Caterpillar

Caterpillar...Life

Well where do I start? God is AMAZING!.. that was a perfect place to start! It's been a little rough and a little good lately.. I've seen plenty of both sides.. and have no clue why writing that made me tear up but I guess those are my true feelings, which I don't really express very often. I am finally leaving Porkies.. Porkies has taught me patience, kindness always, and good manners. I am leaving Porkies.. for McDonald's..I know it doesn't SEEM like a big step.. but it really is.. and most importantly I get insurance.. and for me and my sickly self.. that's AWESOME! I feel like I've got a ton of potential to move up and tons of chances to become bigger things there. Most of my time is spent working, serving at church, attending church, and my favorites.. hanging out and bonding with Amanda, Nicole, and Mady mostly AND taking care of Javen! That little boy sure knows how to leave very deep footprints in a heart!.. as well as the rest of them. I wouldn't trade my life for anything.. even though sometimes I swear it's going to fall and break into a million tiny pieces.. but because of these people and their constant love I know that I am blessed.

The thing on my heart the most lately has been my parents. I often long for my Daddy, I miss him alot. Oh how I WISH that I could see his face and feel his comfort and warmth.. he would be so proud of me and my accomplishments even though I decided to not go to school this year. I miss my Momma alot too... and though she is still here it still feels as if she is not present. As I was listening to the song Butterfly Fly Away.. it reminded me so much of my Momma. My Daddy wasn't always present... and I lived with my Mom for the most part, so I understand how tiring and hard it was to take care of me on her own, but even so we used to have so much fun together. Sure I never got tucked in at night and we never really had our bonding moments but I remember that she used to always at least say I love you before I went to bed. I just miss her so much though. Finally being out of the house has been great.. although we have drifted and I see her about once or twice a month. Anyways.. I could talk for days about that... it makes me very sad. I guess there comes a time when the caterpillar has to break out of it's cacoon, become a butterfly and fly away.. and maybe that's exactly what this situation is teaching me.

- Caterpillar In The Tree