HELP, I'm Dreaming again....

When it comes to my dreams, I think hard and long about what I want. Everyone who knows me knows that my heart has ultimatly been left on stage...the stage, oh sweet sweet spotlight...it brings me closer to not only knowing who I truly am, but it also brings me closer to god because before I hear the claps of the audience it's just me and him. I like to call it being "in the zone" because when you're there, it's like you're zoned out of this world, and as you're performing you don't even remember that there's anyone watching until u hear the claps, then when u open your eyes and look around you're like whoa I forgot they were here!...I LOVE that feeling, the feeling that god is the only one watching you and looking into your heart as you're singing out just for him. Tonite I went to the TRI show, and as I was watching each of them use their instruments (which are really good ones by the way, including vocals as an instrument) but as I was watching them I was thinking (and dreaming) I wonder what it feels like to be a part of something like that, what it feels like to be able to say "oh well my band so and so...", what it feels like to just be a part of something like that, I wonder that if I was a part of something like that if I would be any good, or if I would be able to blow people away or have them hoping that someday they could be that good (as I was tonite). I dream that someday I have that, but I find myself slowly doubting with the years passing that maybe that will never happen for me, that maybe that's only meant for certain people and maybe I'm not good enough to be a part of something like that...but that is and has always been since I was very little, one of my hearts biggest desires. My hopes, my dreams, they're huge...but sometimes I just don't know where to start. God speak to me PLEASE!
-Christianna Denise

My Biggest Dream!...

So I have been thinking lately about family, and how exciting it will be when I have my own little family. How exciting it might be to have a husband who cares so much who is truely the love of my life, to raise a child in such a wonderful home around such wonderful people! There are people in my life that I look at and I'm like wow, they are so blessed! These people have made such a difference in my life because the lives they live show me how I can make my life better, learn from mistakes and gives me hope that someday maybe I can make a difference in someone's life and maybe someday I'LL be one of those people that people look at and say wow she is so blessed, maybe I'LL be one of those people that gives someone the hope and inspiration they needed to make their own dreams in life and help someone to grow so much, maybe I'LL be one of those people who helps someone set God and Jesus Christ back into that number 1 spot, maybe I'LL be one of those people that can make someone cry the happiest tears they've ever cried in their life just because you gave them so much and didn't even know it most of the time, maybe just maybe I'LL someday be that person that someone will look at and KNOW that the reason God has set them in my life to give me inspiration, and hope, and to remind me that even when I don't feel loved, I AM because of the Christ who is within me! Thank you God for the family you have spoken through to show me this! (I think you might know who you are) I am not sure if I could EVER thank them enough because they don't even know what a difference they've made in my heart!...it leaves me in such awe!
-Christianna Denise

Beautiful

Another song lyric inpirated note....

We are all born different for a reason, and even identical twins have something about them that is different! Sometimes I think the world and life around us makes our view of beautiful think only about what is on the outside, so we cover our faces with make up to cover our little flaws.Why should we cover our little flaws with makeup? We are made beautifully by such a wonderous creator, when I say someone is beautiful I think of not just the outside, but MOSTLY the inside because it's your soul that counts the most! The world definately pushes many young girls and some males into such things as eating disorders because they are crying out and nobody hears them and they need someone to extend their hand to them so they can grab it and hang onto it, so that THAT someone can tell them that their outsides don't count, and that they are made beautiful by what created them, and as they are dying for new life they might find it if someone were to be that extended hand! We all want to be thought of as beautiful, we want someone to look at us in awe because they've looked into our hearts and been amazed at what they see in it, we want who we are to be enough for someone to be worthy of their love. Sometimes we all wish we were someone other than ourselves, and if you're a Christian you still know that you were made beautiful but it isn't enough so you still wish you were someone else. We all fight to make the mirror happy, we spend hours on our hair and make up, and picking out fashionable clothing...we spend countless hours trying to find what we think is missing to complete us physically but really what we are missing is the glory of god! It is so hard for me to read that and type that right now because just as I am typing that, I am having this exact problem, and it seems that I cannot shake it, my body image consumes my mind and it's horrible! But I will say that I cannot wait for that moment when it finally hits me and I realize truely that our lord and savior made me beautiful, and how beautiful he is makes me stand in awe, he is in our hearts and it makes me amazed to think about it....and most of all the one person we can always count on is him because he'll always think of us as beautiful because who we are is enough for him, he makes us worthy of love and beautiful! And right now as I sit here thinking about what just came out of me, I'm thinking that I really wish I could take my own advice, I just don't know how. Without further adue..here are the lyrics to that song!
-Christianna Denise

Beautiful by Bethany Dillon
I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

[Chorus]
I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

[Chorus]

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Thanking God

I have been praying nonstop for god to show me something amazing, something that will change me forever and he showed that to me today. If you know me and you know what kind of person I am you know that I love my friends, and I care so much about them. Lately me and one of my best friends since I was in kindergarden, Nicole have been arguing alot lately, even this morning when we woke up we argued nonstop about the stupidest things and we argue so much lately that it's starting to concern me. But today as I came home and was putting away all of my gifts randomly I got overwhelmed with feelings of such gratefulness and thankfulness and it sent me into such awe that I started balling and it wasn't bad tears (obviously), it honestly was the happiest tears that I've ever cried in my entire life. The two people that immediately came to my mind was Nicole, and Amanda, I don't really know why, but they did, and then I thought of everyone else and how I've lost some really good friends in my life, or at least people who I thought were my friend, and god replaced that spot with Jesus Christ and because of that I grew stronger with Nicole, and also got new best friends like Amanda, and all of the people at Rock Church. So when god showed me today how he was going to change my life, he showed me that it's going to start with these feelings of gratefulness and thankfulness that sent me into complete and total awe today. I now feel like I can never thank god enough and I don't feel worthy enough to have the things and people I have in my life and I feel so lucky I can't explain to have these people in my life and just to have everything and to just be alive because 11 years ago when I died for a whole 10 minutes I could have been gone forever, but it is truely a miracle that god said he had a bigger plan for me and brought me back. Thank you god, thank you Justin and Amanda, thank you Rock Church, and just thank you everyone.....I feel like I constantly need to thank you for the person you have helped me become! Thank you Jesus for dieing for my sins so I can choose to live for an eternity!
-Christianna Denise Crosby

My birthday

So yesterday as many may know was my birthday. I turned 19, but I don't feel any older. I will actually probably still mistake saying that I'm 18, it might take a while to get used to saying I have lived on this earth 19 years...wow! I was so happy that my birthday was on a sunday this year because sunday's are my favorite days and they always have been. Well yesterday after church I went out to eat to Olive Garden with Cloe, Nicole, Cassie, and Aubrey then after small group I had a party at my aunt's house and it was soooo fun! We played Singstar and Rockband AND we taught my Tia Gata (Aunt Kat) how to play big booty! Then we put on some music and danced and sang and just had so much fun! It was such a blast! I thank everyone for coming. I told everyone that asked me what I wanted that I didn't want a gift because my birthday wish was just to have fun with the people I loved and cared about, and I got it. Thank you god! The only bad thing was that when it was time for bed we had two big blankets....Nicole layed with Cassie, Mady with Kayla...and I didn't have anyone....I also didn't have any covers, so I didn't sleep basically all night because I was freezing!....but I am thankful they came. I feel spoiled because I wanted nothing for my birthday and I got alot....here are only a FEW things that I got....
This shirt with bracelets to accessorize with (I am slowly being taught how to accessorize because I am not too good at it)



This makeup bag that I will be using as a purse because it's cute!



These awesome bangles Mady got me that go with one of the shirts she got me!




Pink spray and lotion that smells muy muy fantastico y delicioso!


Like I said..I got alot more...and thank you to everyone because I love everything that I got! I feel unworthy of recieving so much, but I thank you so much too! Thank you god for keeping me on this earth another year!
-Christianna

Little things

I really do believe that it's the little things in life that warm your heart and make you happy. A smile from an adorable kid, memories of having fun dancing in the living room with your mom, a friend making up with you by giving you a really sweet card after arguing all day, when my little cousin colors a cute picture for me and she writes "i love you Chris, thank you" on it in her little chicken scratch childish letters just because I took her to the pool with me, just little things matter to me so much, and each little thing warms my heart and makes me truely happy more and more each time. A person I have been talking to and getting to know was talking to me online and she stayed on until midnight just so she could be the first to tell me happy birthday, that was so sweet! I don't know why that mattered to me so much, but it did and it made my night!

My only wish for my birthday this year is that I have fun with people I care and love with everything inside of me. Last year my birthday umm was not good at all, I ended up balling like a million times because I was so unhappy and SOMEONE was being non cooperative and self centered like usual, and all I asked for was to have fun and be loved, and I didn't get that wish. So this year I fully intend on making my only birthday wish come true, I want to be happy, be loved, and have fun with people I love and care about, I would settle with just that and I would truely be happy! Thank you god for putting such amazing wonderful people in my life, and helping me create such great relationships with all of my friends who are constantly by my side. Today so far life is great. Thank you god!
-Christianna Denise Crosby

Children are great!

It was a privledge (as always) to be able to watch little Javen this week. I love him, he's such an awesome kid!




Well I said he was awesome didn't I?! lol. Last night I went over to Justin and Amanda's at about 6 and we played cars outside and then came inside he ate a snack and I shared my pizza rolls with him too and then Jav wanted to play the chase me game so we ran around in circles for at least 30 mins if not more and to make it fair I decided to run on my hand and knees since he's a lil guy! lol...it was lots of fun...and he didn't fall asleep until around 9:20...I tried to put him in his crib but he held onto me for dear life crying "momma", and so I couldn't just leave him and all I could say was "I'm not your momma, but I will do the best I can". So I stayed up there with him rocking and singing him to sleep, like I always end up doing...who knows I probably shouldn't but I cannot sit and listen to a child scream for their mom or dad to comfort them, it breaks my heart a little...so I always try and do the best I can, even if it means sitting with them and rocking them to sleep myself. And then the other day Paige's mom told her that she needed to get her hair washed and brushed out really good, so what does she do?...gets on her mom's cell phone and calls me, lol! Oh dear, I can't wait until I have kids...well I mean I can wait...I'm just super excited for when I have my own child to take care of, play with, and put to bed! Peace out for now my luvs!
-Christianna